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so happily...

i feel like things are, AGAIN, progressing quite swiftly towards "[my crush's name] meidän pitäis varmaan puhua."

i never got to that point last time, she asked me about my feelings before i got to my implosion point - which was about a week away anyway. it took three weeks and a day from my realising my feelings to her asking me if i have a crush on her.
must be some sort of record.

but things are accumulating. maybe they're just in my mind! but i operate based on that mind and if they keep accumulating, they need to faced and defused somehow.

but there are borderline-flirtatious things thrown around, she keeps bringing up her sexual orientation, and last night oh God last night she liked my Facebook status in which i said "jos joku ois puoli vuotta sitten kertonut mitä mulla pyörii tänään päässä, oisin nauranut tosi räkäsesti ja sanonut et ei vitussa. (... lol sanat)
voi kevät. tarvitsen oman Peggyn."
AND THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND MY ALLUSIONS. this is exactly the type of status she always refused to like - she'd like every fucking thing i posted BUT things like this.
she knows i meant i'm drooling after ladies. she knows i mentioned spring because she's done that. she knows Peggy is also a hightlight term for her - not exactly code but a term i know she'd notice.
and she knows i still like her.
and she's still very sparing with her likes for me (and if i'm noticing a trend, in general as well since depression came and swept her off her feet) - apart from that, she's only liked things i've specifically tagged her in, and not even all of those.

SO WHY DID SHE LIKE THAT STATUS ARGH she knows i overanalyse things.

she knows how the air feels between us. she was there on Friday, dammit.

she's about one step away from realising how dirty i'd want to get with her. i think she knows it's a possibility, but i'm not sure if she'd manage her current nonchalantness towards me if she really knew. maybe she'd be the same. maybe she is.
goodness knows i've thrown around more hints by accident and purse than i'd care to think about, and she's not stupid at all.

if anyone wants proof about my feelings, all they need to do is have a look at my thoughts. i spent all yesterday simmering in my own steamy thoughts.
i keep getting really vivid images in my head of us doing things i never once ever dreamt of doing even with any of my previous, decidedly male crushes. and with her it suddenly seems... plausible, you know.
i can see her being my Peggy. i wonder if she ever thinks of me as her Steve. (she sees herself as Steve, though, so maybe i'd be Peggy. but she has bravado and leadership i don't. and Steve and Peggy didn't have a happy ending anyway... but we could give them that, couldn't we? we could.)

exhibit B would be how i sat quiet for five minutes just staring at her tags on tumblr, tags where she opened up a bit about how bad she feels and how she's broken. they made me cry.
i want to hug her and kiss her (with her consent, duh) and make her see how beautiful she is in every way. how the stars shine for her. how my genuinely very pure heart feels companionship with hers.

i KNOW it's all in my head. i know. but she does things that don't make sense.
she KNOWS my coda, she knows what i mean with roundabout referencing.

everything is all weird and kaleidoscopic and the air is heavy with pheromones and sometimes our eyes meet and it's like they speak and neither of us really knows what they're saying.

i don't know.

all i know is i'd be good to her.

i really would be. i know it in my very core.
i'd be good to her.

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