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we're on fire now

she's posting porn again, and reblogging in particular characters and people and things i've very recently expressed interest in.
she just reposted her HC-tagged SebStan set, and wrote a whole smutlet about Peggy and pre-serum Steve after i told her she should write more.

it was pretty damn hot.

she talked about it to me yesterday and laughed at my flushed face as she described some stuff in detail, but i hadn't been to tumblr after i flipped over the SebStan tags and whined to her about it on WhatsApp, so i hadn't seen her post about it.

it was... it was intense.

i don't even know how she packs so much description, action and feeling into such a short package of words. she actually wrote a quality porn smutlet in her tags, seriously. and Peggy and Steve was a two-paragraph text in which she managed multiple orgasms and the whole shebang, complete with heavy imagery.
i'm a snob when it comes to both porn and writing so i'm not praising her just because i like her.

so i'm like wow porn, wow porn from her, wow great writing, wow great writing from her.

and i know she's really posting them just because it's Captain America season and whatnot, but it makes me happy to think it has something to do with me. it's like our whole deal with my feelings for her.
and it makes me happy to wish upon a star that she'd respond to my "haluun olla tunne-elämän Steve Rogers!" with a quip about being my Peggy. ... grr, girl.

and she's not even my friend anymore in this house, apparently. she's been referred to as "... it" all day. i got really cranky and defensive.
i know her name is a little weird, it took me a few days to learn it, too, and that's the reason i can't call her by her name here - she'd find this instantly if she googled herself, and i don't want all the potential drama and awkwardness that might ensue. but she still has a name and if you can't use her name then call her by some title that fits - she's my friend, she can even be that girl, she can be anything nice, but she's not an "... it"!
and what the fuck is with the ellipsis? are you now suddenly snapping to attention that her name is practically the only name that comes out of my mouth, that i talk of her in a special voice and with special feeling, that i mention her in contexts where no one else gets mentioned?
i appreciate the gesture of trying to be polite by not saying thiings that remain unsure, but it irks me so fucking much to hear such an angel be referred to as "... it". and that comment about her not having come over because she didn't wake up, what the fuck was that? obviously she didn't come over, would i be slouchung on the couch in ugly PJ's watching Criminal Minds reruns if she had? and as if she's a bad person for having slept all day THAT'S CALLED DEPRESSION and if i never held it against her then no one else is allowed to do so either.

yes, she hurts, sometimes on purpose. yes, she disappoints, because i have such lofty expectations she'd wear herself out if she tried to fulfill them all at once or so soon. yes, she tells me to practise getting angry at her and i do that, i was genuinely upset today because i felt unimportant for a while.
but i will fucking bite heads off of anyone who so much as lays a finger on her image. except for her herself because then i'd be crushless, but i do not tolerate any sort of reproval of her.
it's my choice to let her hurt me, it's my choice to hang out with her, it's my choice to be friends with and have a crush on someone who has difficulties in life. it's an unfortunate fact that our difficulties don't often match and thus her pain ends up hurting me in several ways and vice versa, but we both suck it up because we love each other enough to see past it, to see all the good in each other. our loves are different in nature but that's a minor issue. the main thing is that there is an abundance of love.

until she stops loving me, i won't stop defending her with every cell in my being.

i don't care what your opinion is. she's good to me and makes me feel loved and important - it's my own issues that create the negative feelings, and we've been working on them very well and a lot lately. she's a beautiful person both inside and outside and deserves high praise, not to be a nameless, pronounless "... it" with fucking ellipsis.

asdfghjklöä i'm cranky. (NO SHIT SHERLOCK.)

i don't care what people say when we're together
you know i want to be the one to hold you when you sleep
i just want it to be you and i forever
i know you want to leave
so come on, baby, be with me
so happily

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