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nobody compares to you

apparently spending 35 hours straight with my crush in her small room helps me not feel empty and alone for a little over an hour after leaving her.

it's better than nothing, i guess. it felt weird, to actually like being alone for a while.

and spending a day and a half straight with her is a LOT better than nothing!

if i didn't need to get up in like four hours i'd gush my head off here. maybe later today...

but fuck, man. that woman is something else. (i honestly stared at her nose today in total for like two hours because it's the most gorgeous damn nose i have ever gazed upon. i love everything about her. every fucking thing, even the snappishness and the aloofness and whatnot. every little thing.)

'cause no one ever looked so good
in a dress and it hurts
'cause i know you won't be mine tonight
no one ever makes me feel
like you do when you smile
baby, tell me how to make it right

a happy dog

i haven't seen her since Tuesday, and since my message about meeting today after work went unanswered, i've grown fretful.
i want to spend time with her! and she's been secreting vibes of things not being alright, but she refuses to tell me how she's doing because she doesn't want me to worry about her (but when i don't know, i worry!). and i heard today that Kauko is leaving us, it was his last day.

these combined were enough to topple my fragile state of almost-cheerfulness. i cried a lot at Kauko - we sang his theme song as a farewell song, and it made me sob like a child.
i then spent half the journey back home moping about her unresponsiveness as well as being upset by Kauko's departure, until our friend told me not to be sad about Her - and she listed things not going well in my wonderful little superheroine's life.
i decided to call her after all, even though i'd just snapped at our friend that i won't bother her since she hasn't replied to my message in two days despite having seen it twenty minutes after i sent it.
no answer. and i fucking let it ring for like three minutes. she has an entire song for a ringtone, i bet i went through the whole song. i fretted. i wanted to call again and noticed it'd only been five minutes. i was rational enough to tell myself to wait at least half an hour! yay me. i sent a WhatsApp message saying please call okayyy and please know i'll be calling until she picks up.
another three-minute ring that ate at my nerves. i got frustrated and sent our friend a text "vittu ku ei voi vastata ;___; " and just as i hit send, She said "huomenta" on WhatsApp (it was 16.59 at this point).
"uni", she continued. "voiko soittaa?" i demanded. "oon koomassa mut joo".

we spoke for 46 minutes, a good part of that just comfortable silence or laughing at random things. i love phone calls like that. it's like... you don't know what to say, and the other person is scrolling Facebook at her end, but it's okay - you're still in contact. you hear the other person breathe and it's like you're close despite the 10 kilometres in between. she described her foul coke so well i got shivers and yucked at my end.

i loved it. like, 46 minutes of talking about important things, the ones that made me worry, but then also random stuff like her trying to figure out how clothes work so she can get dressed, or squeeing about cute poodles. and the silences - it wasn't "oh God i have to say something or she'll hang up soon in an awkward manner and then i'll feel bad!". it was comfortable, "say something when you feel like it, no rush" kind of silence.
we might have talked longer if she hadn't had to go.

but i'm going to go over to her place tomorrow! she said to be there at noon, so i'll have a long day with her all to myself! aaaaaa.
i have to get up at nine but she's worth it. and she makes me happy by proxy as well as proximity.

i have One Direction's Kiss You on repeat and as my ringtone because aaaaah. her ringtone is Through the Dark, though, because it's "our song". Kiss You makes me think of her, too, obviously.
so tell me, girl, if every time we to-o-uch
you get this kinda ru-u-ush
baby, say yeah, yeah, yeah

ohhh and she had had a dream where we'd gone somewhere where there were lots of stars really visible! aaaa. i literally felt a warm fuzz form in my chest when she said that, and i smiled into the phone.
keep dreaming of me, baby. (my infatuation surfaced as the aftermath of two very confusing yet lovely dreams. i woke up, went "... huh? so i really really like her? ... okay. explains a lot anyway." and never looked back.)

but really. when our friend told me of Her problems, my tears about Kauko and Her silence dried instantly. because her problems were things i could help with: i could concretely do something to ease her life.
and then i got her on the phone and while we didn't really resolve anything, she cheered up audibly through the call, and so did i because contact with her is like a drug to me. a wonderful, envigorating drug. "they asked me about drugs, and i told them about your smile." AND I GET TO SPEND THE DAY WITH HER TOMORROW. at noon today i was sure i was heading back towards Relapseville, and here i am all a-smile and feeling good and jamming along to Kiss You.
so, tell me, girl...
(baby, say yeah, yeah, yeah
and let me kiss you)

sä luet mua kuin avointa kirjaa
me puhutaan vaikk' ollaan hiljaa

niin ei sais tapahtuu
ett' vain toinen rakastuu
ja ainoo vastakaiku tulee mun mielikuvituksestani
miksi et unohdu
mä oon hullu
liian kauan oon unta uskonut

and you can tell everybody

her eyes are green. a beautiful, sparkling summer forest green.
(this is in reference to the song lyrics of my last post - writing it, i realised i truly can't remember the colour because i always sink right into them. lucky there were many breathtaking selfies at hand. i spent a ridiculous amount just staring at them in wonder, smiling at them like a giddy shy child.)

and a thing was missing from between our two hugs in the post before that:
how she was squeeing about things on tumblr on her phone at our drama project session, and then all of a sudden went heavily silent. i didn't look straight at her but i saw her face turn to my direction. i guess she read a post of mine.
i'm not happy at all that i'm causing her worry and fear and fretting. i hate it.
the thing i love is how obviously she cares. how much, so obviously. BPD is amazing at making me forget really fast how much i'm loved, so it's good she shows her affection often.
i cherish these memories, like the toilet incident(s - we've now had three...), not because of her worry but because of her love. and a bit because of the worry, so i'll remember to get better.

the flowers went much easier today. no nervous breakdowns, haha. i even finished two and am halfway through the third.
i feel like i'm getting better, starting to rise out of the mud pit i lay facedown in last week.
her selfies made me so squeeful last night, they really cheered me up. and i had a dream about her, a dream so nice i woke up from it because it was such a jarring feeling compared to what i've been mostly feeling in real life lately. i don't remember what happened or anything, i just remember her beautiful face and how happy i was.
and today i sent her a message, just to squee a bit about how Kauko was sniffing at my left arm really closely and then licked my cheek and sat down by my side and didn't leave me even for dog treats (! this is a really big sign of affection from him, haha), and she wrote back "ihana Kauko". she hardly ever uses punctuation or emoticons when she's being really serious about a good thing. really serious about a bad thing warrants periods. ("noora nyt ihan tosi." or even just my name, "noora. sulle ois just nyt hyötyä osastosta." ... i don't know why but the first example tugs at my heartstrings in a good way. maybe because she was so adamant about wanting to meet me even though i was relapsing really hard and lashing out at everything and everyone.)

the flowers go on pretty little notecards, and i was given the task of coming up with pretty little nothings to write on them. i drew a blank for the first three hours, but then i told myself to think of things i'd want to say to her. (or have her say to me, or what she's already said to me like "oot tärkee!") (... my heart just turned to mush, gaah. why is she so freaking lovely?!)
the inspiration was abundant. (well, just look at the amount of gushing i do here!)

aaaaagh girl you do my head in and i wouldn't change it for anything.

"if you ever feel alone
you were never on your own
and the proof is in this song."
she says she feels pretty today

and that her goal for this year is to appreciate herself more

and i just want to shake her by the shoulders and tell her in words and touches and kisses

that she is the prettiest thing i have ever seen even when she's groggy with black under-eyes and greasy hair and unbrushed teeth

that my entire lower body goes weak when she walks by in her jeans - listen, woman, those legs of yours are hazardous to my health

(and dat ass...!)

that i can't stop gazing at her eyes

that she always, always draws most of my attention in any room

and look, my beautiful friend, you single-handedly without ever even trying or noticing at first changed my sexual orientation! my written-in-stone heterosexuality flew out the window the moment i noticed my feelings. i never even questioned them. they felt good.

and i am gleeful when i hear my mother talk on the phone about my "... special friend" and i'm not going to straighten her assumption because it amuses me and i am not ashamed of you not now not ever, and you are my special friend, you are, in so many ways if not the one she means.

and i know my past crushes have been kind of lacking in lustre and class, but you are everything i always said i'd never want, i am sick as hell in my head, i hurt every time you get pissed off and your way of talking jars with mine, and i would still take you over any other person.

if i fell for you this hard, despite aaaaall that's against my feelings for you, then fuck it you are seriously amazing.
if songs like Through the Dark make me think of you without anything else even inching into my thoughts then, if i open up to you about things i've never told anyone ever at all, if i trust you with all my darkness and still find the courage to take your hand and know it'll be there, if you can make me laugh when i hate myself so so much, if you make me feel utterly loved, important, cherished, cared about and like i matter (because i do, OBVIOUSLY i do!) when i'm contemplating suicide because i loathe myself so much...
honey, you are the most gorgeous person on this entire planet, probably in the whole universe, both on the inside and outside.

i adore every bit of you, the scars and the bony bits and the quirky parts, i adore them to bits. there literally is not a single body part of yours i do not cherish and adore.

you should feel pretty every day! no, no, wait, that's not right.

you should feel beautiful each and every single day. because you are. to me you are utterly, completely, unquestionably beautiful in every way.
i wish you could see yourself through my eyes. i wish you could see how you shine.

i wish i could at least tell you all this. and how my heart aches when you say you feel pretty today, when there's not a time you aren't pretty to me.

and what a brutal fight it sometimes is to resist the urge to just grab your incredible face, with the quirky nose and unusual eyebrows and oddly tilted teeth and kind red lips and wonderful, exquisite bright eyes (and all of these i love love love aaagh), and try to convey all this through lip contact. it'd take some time to convey all this because to me you're so fucking amazing, but i wouldn't mind...

girl, no one else can ever hold a candle to your flame. you fucking sparkle with glitter.

and since i can't say any of this, in words let alone through touch, keep posting your beautiful and funny selfies so i can at least send adoration your way via telepathy. and the occasional squee of "ohmyGod you are so cuuuuuute!" and the rarely uttered (not out of lack of need, but out of lack of courage) "you look so beautiful."

those selfies are an instant day-brightener. insta-butterflies and fuzzy buzz inside me.

... i'll stop being a total creep now. it just tore me to bits to see the tag #i feel pretty today because ugh. and because i think i love her more than she ever does herself, despite saying her self-image is a lot better than mine. and that nose, girl, that nose oh Rome was built for it.

so excuse me forgetting
but these things i do
you see, i've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
anyway, the thing is
what i really mean
yours are the sweetest eyes i've ever seen.

(i hope you don't mind
i hope you don't mind
that i put down in words
how wonderful life is
now you're in the world ♥ )

love me, love me, say that you love me

i almost had a nervous breakdown today because i had to sew textile flowers. it wasn't even difficult or demanding, i just couldn't handle anything at all.
luckily she was there to give me a long and tight hug and remind me to keep breathing! and i was moved when she asked how Frankenstein was, and how she mumbled into my shoulder and hair that she hadn't responded to my messages because she'd been lazy and ogled at Korean girl bands and going "awwws" at my writings.
and when she was leaving because she had to leave in the middle of our drama project brain-picking session, she hugged our friend and looked into my direction as she was getting up again, and i threw my arms out and my face lit up a bit - i swear the whole rest of the room receeded to white background noise and all i saw was her approaching me joyfully, arms poised for a hug as well.

but, i mean... who has a nervous breakdown over sewing?
i needed my diazepams to get through the morning. i haven't needed them in years! i've got through a lot of shit without them and now i just wanted to cry and throw things and crumble into a shaking mess.

maybe she was right about my need for a psych ward stint. i sent her a message saying so, because i want to discuss this a little more. (i don't know why; i know her thoughts on this and they are that i need it because she's scared for my safety and wellbeing and wants me to eat and sleep. maybe i'm just a bottomless well and want to experience her love and care for me once again. or maybe i'm attention-whoring, trying to show her how i'm doing good things, so she can be proud of me. i don't know. or maybe i just like talking with her.)

so otherwise "aamu jatkaa tuttua ruttoista latuaan", like Camus said - i'm depressed and about to fall apart and i can't sleep and i hate the very thought of eating and i had a moment with a random blade at work just because it was there and (literally) shiny. and also she'd used it so of course i was drawn to it! because... because? because i'm falling apart.
but every time i think of her i feel electrified, all afuzz inside, and her pretty selfies on tumblr made me squee with delight.
i have butterflies in my stomach all the time. oh, she was right after all (... as always!): infatuation is the best feeling in the world! it's the miserable jealousy and sadness i can't deal with, but metaphorical insects are free to roam inside my body, making me tingly.

that, or i really shouldn't have eaten that egg pastry i drooled over in a weak moment (self-harm at large: eat something you're horridly allergic to).

maybe both.

i could write about

... how bad and frightening my relapse has been.
and i'm still not out of the woods with it. i guess the current semi-numbness is a vast improvement over the past few days' "i should die." and the way i hard-shut down every single social app because i didn't want to allow myself even the chance to spoil and ruin things any more. i feel better now, but not good. but i guess it'd hardly be possible to feel much worse. and the way it snowballed so quickly from a minor, minor, minute thing into an avalanche that sucked me in and broke my bones! and the amount of blood a fresh blade drew from woundless skin actually scared me. i don't remember the last time i've been scared of my own cutting.

... how amusing i find it that the bandaids i plaster on to cover my wounds, both the bleeding and the ones i just want to hide, corrode my skin into festering wounds that look like burn marks.
i literally have wide, open, bright red and neon pink and mellow yellow gaps of sore flesh all over my arm. i knew i'm allergic to the glue but it's never been this bad. i got worse wounds from the bandaids than the cuts, lol.

... how i just blinked and smiled when a friend told me how, the moment i went to the bathroom, She had craned her neck sharply into the general direction i vanished to and barked out "minne Noora meni?!".
our friend doesn't know about all the self-harm. She and i know. my friend thought She was just generally concerned about my whereabouts - my friend was amused by Her worry. i was moved, very moved by the fact that even when i indicate semi-clearly that i need insulin or that i'm sorry but i'm going to puke because i feel nauseated, She worries i might go cut or vomit out of eating-related issues. our friend wasn't there for the depressed "conversation" we had on Friday, where She told me in sighing sentences how i sound really worrying to her and that i should eat because i'm diabetic and how haven't i crashed yet and how this is just one more reason she wants me to take a spin on the psych ward. my answers, so short and barely audible. there was a pregnant pause while i stared at the table decoration and nursed my glass of water and she stared at me, and then she said she's only doing this because she wants to help me. i acknowledged that and tried to divert the topic into ponies, but she wouldn't have any of that.

... how Friday ended with my crying in the toilet after She'd stormed out to scream into a pillow before tiredly asking a mutual friend in the saddest voice i've ever heard, "mitä mun pitäis tehdä?" (and how in Sunday's wee hours she told me she'd known i'd hear her words.)
how i went to have a cry in the toilet because i'd felt it coming all day and i'd just had the final drop and threatened to spill over, how i told them to start watching their TV show without me, i'd just be a moment, and how i hardly got the door closed and slumped into a heap on the floor when She was there knocking on the door and demanding to know what happened. the first thing she noticed when i opened the door was that i was rising out of a kneeling position in front of the toilet (it's not my fault her bathroom's so tiny!). how she held me to her and asked to know what's wrong and if i realise how her first thoughts at my sudden departure like that are that i've 'gone to cut or vomit or... worse.' how we talked of my disappointments and that there are big things i want to say but can't, which exasperates her a lot because she wants me to tell her what's on my mind - "... ai nyt?" "AINA!" -, and how we talked of how it's difficult to be with me because i'm a difficult person, and how i cried and she took my hand and squeezed it tighter than i, and how she got angry at last because i couldn't make myself say what was wrong (because i knew our friend would hear and this shit was too private for any extra ears) and said 'and see how i leave now because i'm getting pissed off and i don't want to hurt you' and stormed away and left me standing there, paralysed with fear and self-loathing, tears in my eyes.

... how i was just pondering if it really is for the best if i jump under a train because i keep fucking all my most important relationships up, when the Universe messaged me on tumblr with a "don't punish your friends for trying to be close to you".
how it made me pick up the phone despite all my negative feelings towards myself, my situation and bothering Her. it was 1.30 in the morning. and how we talked and talked and talked. about everything. my cuts, the shit-storm my relapse brought on, our relationship, ways i could get better, things i could improve like telling her more openly about my thoughts and feelings and trusting her to say when i do something wrong or she's tired, having a better self-image particularly on the emotional side and how she wishes she had a magic wand she could point at me and pling! we talked about A and how i don't want therapy any more, and i told her all the pieces so now she has the complete picture and is the only one apart from me to do so, and she didn't even skip a beat when she replied with an encouraging therapy-related response. she didn't even skip a beat, just like she never said anything bad about my room. and we laughed and joked and had quiet moments and she was in no hurry to go to bed and let me talk about everything i had on my mind, she let me ask for reassurances on the most stupid subjects, she let me talk and talk and talk and talked herself as well and told me not to worry she'll say when she can't be at my side because of her own things and that she has made the choice to help me, i shouldn't feel bad about needing her help or seeking it. i can't put it into words what it's like to have someone to talk to, about anything and everything, in the middle of the night, and how she's kind and considerate but also stern when needed and directs me in the right way, and never once rushed me or indicated in any way that i should wrap things up because it's so fucking late and we've talked for so long. we talked for three fucking hours. and it took an hour, from her yawning she could go sleep if i feel alright enough, to our actually hanging up. and how she took my mumbled vague words and not only understood them but explained why i'd read the situation wrong and how she said it's never bothered her that i have a crush on her (oh, present tense, she used it and she was right and still she spoke to me as sweetly as ever) - she asked me why it'd be wrong to have a crush on someone, and i started crying and there was silence 'til i asked her if she's still there, yes, she was just waiting if i'm going to answer or if i need more time to calm down. she said there's nothing wrong with having a crush, it's the best feeling in the world!
that night the best feeling was to have her exclaim in a sweet voice, "oot tärkee!" just as we were hanging up at 4.23 or so. i went to sleep with a smile on my face, when before the call i was contemplating self-elimination in choking, imploding tears.

... how we had a few "moments" on Sunday and how they still make me smile the same way i smiled at her then.
how i told them all about my new little game, What Would BPD Not Do?, and how she high-fived me for having won the first round last night by calling her. how she pur her foot randomly on my knee and smiled at me when i looked over quizzically. how we watched a My Little Pony episode and there was a scene about friends' feelings not changing towards someone even if there's been a rough patch, and how my hand flew to my face to hide my blush and cover for the emerging tears, and she glanced at me. how she showed me scenes and songs from Wicked and we gushed over them together. how we sang along to One Direction's Through the Dark with bright eyes and loving, glowing faces. how, when i told our friend how thoughts and feelings should be outed as soon as possible so they'll not blow up into gigantic proportions inside one's head, she started nodding knowingly and said "niinpä...!" several times in a meaningful voice and a half-smiling, laden-with-meaning expression on her face as she looked at me and i smiled back shyly.

... how something she said on Friday made me ponder if she reads this, but i can't recall what it even was.
i don't know if i'd rather know, in that case, so that i could stop writing stupidly embarrassing things here, or if i'd rather not know because i just might die of shame.
yes, she knows about my feelings. yes, she knows all my feelings tend to be intense. yes, she's a smart person and capable of handling things gracefully and with such wisdom, both emotional and regular kind. but still...
she said it's a little awkward because i have a crush and she can't respond to feelings, but that was before she said all those nice things. but i'd still find it pretty awkward to have all this stuff blown on our faces.

... how we're at a stalemate because she can't love me and i can't not love her.
for now. maybe my feelings will change. i'm going to respect her enough not to say the same for her.
and still, despite this stalemate, everything's alright and the only improvement i can think of would be to have my feelings be reciprocated. i haven't been cut out from her life, she hasn't started avoiding me, she's just as loving and sweet and friendly as before...
like we mused upon during our call: i never said anything to her directly because i was afraid she'd start avoiding me, and she was worried that if we put the cat on the table i'd start avoiding her. i'm truly grateful to have her be so caring and amazing.

... how happy and grateful and blessed i am to have such a friend.
i've never been this loved, even if it's not the kind of love i set out to receive.

relapse(s) and a lot of love.
i'm sort of thankful work starts tomorrow. it's been a rough holiday, both the good and the bad have been too intense for my condition.

memo to self: sent to her in tumblr

tarkoitin että oonko ymmärtänyt oikein että sosiaalimediassa EI pidä jakaa jokaikistä vitun ajatusta, mutta esim. WhatsApp-viesteissä se on okei? ku hämmennyin ja en ollut varma ymmärsinkö oikein.
sanoitko jotain mitä en halunnut kuulla? ... ehkä tavallaan, tuntui raa'alta lukea että kukaan ei ansaitse yhtään mitään. totta se varmasti on, vaikkei mun Disney-hattara-ajatusmaailmaan sovikaan. ja nyt kun on mennyt muutama päivä asiasta ja kykenen ajattelemaan selkeämmin (sen suhteen) ni kyllähän se noin on. kai. sillon vaan kun on niin saatanan paska olla ni toivois että kokisi ansaitsevansa parempaa (ja huomaa kuinka tässä "vastuu" paremman ansaitsemisesta ja sen tietämisestä siirtyy pois itsestä, koska ite ei kuitenkaan arvosta itseänsä tarpeeksi ni toivois että joku muu uskottelis näin), koska epäsuorasti se viittaa siihen että todennäköisesti asiat tulevat parantumaan, mikä taas on sitä toivoa missä mä roikun niin epätoivoisesti ( :D haha epätoivoisesti toivossa) kiinni. mutta oikeassa oot, kuten aina!

kiitos tästä päivästä ja puhelusta ja että rohkaisit tulemaan! toivottavasti en ollut ihan musta möykky, enintään harmaa? pyysin Lauraakin tönimään mua jos se huomaa että oon huonosti. kovasti yritin ja melkein koko ajan oli hyvä olla :) jos olin hiljaa ni yleensä keskityin kuuntelemaan videota tai fiilistelemään. Laura sano että aina kun se oli huomauttamassa mulle asiasta ni mä kuulemma hymyilin ni sit se ei sanonu mitään.
unohdin kiittää miljoonasta eri asiasta kuten Red Vinesta ja kokiksesta ja Wicked-esittelyistä (!!! lisää please gimme gimme more) ja Berliinikansiosta ja kaikesta, mutta toivottavasti loppukiitokseni antoi ymmärtää että tykkäsin paljon. tai edes tässä nyt? kiitos kiitos paljon!
mua jäi mietityttämään se kun sanoit että olin liian lähellä ja sua alkoi ahdistaa, enkä sit osannut siinä porukassa ottaa sitä esille vaikka monta kertaa melkein avasinkin suuni, mutta oletettavasti kyse ei ollut mistään isosta ja kamalasta jutusta, koska sen jälkeenkin juteltiin ja hilluttiin ja kaikkea. sanon tän lähinnä nyt ehkä siksi että halusin jakaa tän että okei jäi häiritsemään mutta meinasin kyllä sanoa siitä, jos oltais vaikka hetki satuttu jäämään kahden. mun on hankala olla porukassa, koska en oo yhtään varma tilanteesta siinä, ni en ainakaan vielä halunnut sekavoittaa tilannetta enempää (itselleni). mutta muistin sun ohjeistukset! samoin ku kävin vessassa ni koetin olla tosi selkeä että meen insuliinia laittamaan tai nyt oksettaa koska huono olo. ois ehkä pitänyt kyllä sanoa se vielä selkeämmin, anteeksi kun en tajunnut/osannut.
apua tästä tulee kauhee romaani taas anteeksi. mulla on vähän asiaa mutta paljon sanoja.
mutta siis kiitos, kiitos, ja kaikki hyvin. <-- ei tunnu hyvältä laittaa huutomerkki mutta en myöskään kyseenalaista kysymysmerkillä :) (se ponihali kun ne sano että ei yksi paha juttu muuta niiden tunteita ystävää kohtaan voi eiiiiii! kamala liikutus tuli, melkein purin salarakastyynyäni vahingossa.)
yyyyy miksi yksdee soi päässä ja liikututtaa katalaa! hyvää yötä haleja nähdään tiistaina kiitos paljon oot tärkeä <3

Jan. 1st, 2014

i just realised that the voice i've called reason for the past six weeks, that tiny voice of sensibility that pipes up sometimes when i want to do irrational things or feel really random, unwarranted emotions...

it's not reason, per se.

it's me.

it's ME.

and i didn't know what i sound like because i've spent the last decade or even more under the influence of BPD.

twenty-five minutes into this new year and i already made such a big observation.

i am going to kick this disorder's arse this year!
tough love is still love.
she favours direct approach, which to me feels like a critique, when she's only telling me things i don't want to or can't see. my (not) sleeping was a topic today - she called it self-destructive behaviour. i don't see it that way... but maybe that's exactly why she needs to be rough with me. and i need the roughness anyway, i need to learn to deal with it instead of hiding and taking it out on myself. i need it from someone who so obviously loves me that the roughness doesn't hurt as much, because she does it out of love. she's disinfectant - it stings but it makes things better.

i am important even though it still hasn't sunk in and i'll probably be questioning this once again by this time the day after tomorrow. i am important to her.
she said i'm not a bad friend, i'm just going through a really hard time and i haven't had all that much experience with healthy friendships, but that doesn't mean that we don't all try or appreciate.
and she said she'll be there, she is there, even if we don't see every day she'll be there and not leave me.
she wouldn't be there, not in this quantity and quality, if i weren't important. she's kind but not this kind.

you get through rough patches.
an insane anxiety attacked? fight fire with fire, dig out an old album full of bad memories and sit down to read it cover to cover. i'm not sure what the logic behind it is, but it worked.
your friend and crush tells you something that makes you feel bad? swallow it and respond rationally. she only does it because she loves you and because you don't love yourself, and it's because of the latter that you took her words so badly. she meant well and you know that. <3
you feel like it's all gone to the gutter once again? but that's not true and you know it. feelings are not facts, you know that. you just don't feel that way. it's the disorder talking. put a gag order on it! you will get through this and you will feel as good as you did before, this is just the irrational wave of emotion caused by a panicking illness because it knows you're starting to win ground over it. don't let it get the best of you, you'll make it out alive.
you want to use those knives one last time before you and she go take them to the garbage collection? you really, really want to use those knives one last time? think of how sad you were when you thought you'd not make it to Friday and the one month benchmark. think of how disappointed that made you feel. and if nothing else works, think of how angry and how sad she will be when she finds out, and she will find out because she reads you oh so well (remember that time with the toilet incident, how you came back eyes wide open and a nonchalantly confused expression on your face as she looked at first your face and then immediately at your sleeve, how her whole posture changed) and cares about you so much that she keeps an eye out for your safety all the time. think of her face when she wanted you to say "let's throw them away" and you said nothing.

think of how her voice echoed with sadness and fear and shock when you went past and she asked "Noora mitä sä teet?".
think of how it makes your heart crumble to bits to remember her face right there, her voice.

even if you don't think you deserve more than those 30-cent blades, she does. and you think she deserves better.

so if you can't do it for yourself, do it for her.
you know she wants you to, and you know she'll never ask because she wants you to work for yourself and not for her.
do it for her. do it for the smile in the pin photo.
do it for her.

she loves you so much. i wish you'd remember that more often.

she loves you so, so much.

yeah, these are things that i don't understand
(but they're true despite that.)

Dec. 31st, 2013

i love the way my name tastes on your lips.

and i will hold you closer

i'm completely in love with how she didn't buy my story straight up, when she thought she had contradicting evidence.

so many people just take "no, i'm fine" on its face value and let it go, when i'm pretty sure more than half of the time the one being fine is just too scared, nervous, shy or what have you to admit they're NOT fine and they need help.

i was fine, really - but i love that she still demanded the truth. what if i hadn't been fine?

she is so kind and wonderful and has such a big heart, i can't even fathom it.

i stayed up 'til half past eight in the morning because i was so keyed up. she'd hate to know that so i haven't said anything about it, but i felt so... fuzzy and cared-about and loved. i kept reading our conversation again and again and every time the same parts would make my stomach do backward flips and cartwheels and i swear my uterus squee'd in excitement.

and you know what i yearn for the most with her? (right now, at least.)
i want to sit next to her on the mattress on the floor, shoulder to shoulder, and have her lean her head on my shoulder as we talk.
or lie on my side with head on her thigh while she strokes my hair.

or stand in the cold grey weather next to our garbage collection stand, all frozen up with shock and fear and confusion, and have her wrap her arms around me and hug as tight as she can. (... i'm seriously getting choked up just thinking of it.)

i want to make her laugh. i want to surprise her positively with everything i can become better at or with.
i want us to splash in the cold English Channel water and squee with giggly laughter.
i want to take her to Scotland and show her my home. i want to take the train to Mallaig and ferry across to Skye. i want to ease my sickening homesickness with her and there.
i want her to show me around London, look at the glow on her happy face more than what she's pointing at.

i want her to be happy. which is quite contradictory to my other wishes, because if she's happy, she'll go off to fulfill her dreams while i stay behind.

but you have to learn not to be selfish when you love someone in any way. she's gone out of her way for me several times, just to make me happy. i need to love her enough to do the same.

oh i will carry you over
fire and water
for your love

oh i will carry you over fire and water

literally seven minutes after i posted the previous entry, she messaged me.

said she was really worried about my safety and that i should seriously consider a leave at the psych ward (i'm making this sound rude but she was just concerned for my well-being). that she's scared i'm going to try to kill myself.

a ball of anxiety and a lot of other emotions instantly formed in my upper chest, a cold constrictive agonizing ball of fear. "this isn't the way i wanted her to care about me, not at all, this isn't the way i meant things to go..."
i replied everything's okay, no need to worry <3

she told me to cut the bullshit, not to lie to her, i'm cutting myself and writing things about shaking all day just trying to keep things in control.

i got really baffled and only responded with how i haven't hurt myself in several weeks.

she didn't buy my story. she questioned in several messages why i'd have bandaids and why my arm is hurting if i haven't done anything. i got really frantic as i tried to explain the bandaid's just a cover for the old cut and that my arm is hurting from the glue, which she knows i'm allergic to. it was the truth, too, but somehow i still got all flustered, even after i said i wouldn't lie to her. (i wouldn't! i just stay silent if i can't reply honestly; at least i did that the last time she asked if i've hurt myself. after a minute of my just sitting with my head in my hands, staring at the table and trying to come up with a good answer, she said "... mä otan ton kyllä-vastauksena.")
i guess she finally believed me, because we veered into a discussion about how she doesn't want to reply to angsty things i post online because it just feeds my bad behaviour model, which is why she's been inactive towards me, and how she's been quiet because she's had some issues of her own and she knows i feel bad when she feels bad so she's kept distance on purpose.
i started worrying about her wellbeing and she got angry about how i turned the discussion away from me once again when she was "fucking trying to do the same for you here can you accept the help".

i felt so bad. really, really bad throughout the conversation. worse than i've felt in the past few days. worse than the bad feeling that lead to her worrrying about me.
i love her so much and the last thing i want is for her to feel bad in any manner because of me. i said (almost) as much to her, and got back a shiny heart emoji.

i promised her i'll get help before i have a noose hanging from my neck (her words), because she specifically said "pyydän" - we were talking about how devastating and despairing it'll be to realise how the bad feeling(s) will keep coming back, they'll never have a real reason but they'll come anyway and what a great wave of despair that'll be to realise... - she specifically pleaded and i know it's tough for her and it killed me a little.
i got back "hyvä <3 ".

a bit later i decided to bite the bullet despite my great apprehension; "tuutko mun mukaan jos mä heitän ne typerät veitset pois?"


i don't know what to say.
i'm just so moved. and baffled, because i honestly hadn't even realised how badly my writings could be taken. i guess i was so hung up on my bad feeling and my disappointment in being unable to shake it off sensibly, and so focused on trying to get rid of it in any manner i could think of - any manner except asking for help directly... - that i forgot to think of consequences and reactions from people who care about me.

and she said if i feel bad then i need to ask her directly, privately, if we could talk about it, and then we'll talk or she'll listen, if she's not feeling shitty herself (which is so understandable i shouldn't even have to remark on it).
i said maybe i'll be brave enough to nudge her and ask for a moment of company in the future.

i've been sitting here ever since, my whole face burning with shame and shock and positive emotions and everything, feeling alternatingly choked up and on the verge of (happy) tears. i even watched the Silver Linings Playbook movie and ohh man what an ending, it made me smile so happily, i was so happy for them despite starting the film with bad feelings - sadness, mental health issues, denial, betrayal, loss, depression, Jennifer Lawrence playing a character with borderline disorder... and you know, all those things made the movie grow fonder and brighter and prettier and more touching. by the time i was halfway through the flick i was really into it, even though the good things were only starting to hint of their coming.

it's hard for me to feel so unquestionably loved. she actually got angry at me for not caring about myself enough and because she was scared and worried for me.

i will make more of an effort to be worthy of her affection from now on.

she embodies everything that's sung in Through the Dark. i can't listen to it and not think of her singing it.

you tell me that you're sad and lost your way
you tell me that your tears are here to stay
but I know you're only hiding
and I just wanna see you

you tell me that you're hurt and you're in pain
and I can see your head is held in shame,
but I just wanna see you smile again
see you smile again

I wish that I could take you to the stars
I'd never let you fall and break your heart
and if you wanna cry or fall apart
I'll be there to hold you

you tell me that you hurt, it's all in vain
but I can see your heart can love again
and I remember you laughing
so let's just laugh again

but don't burn out
even if you scream and shout
it'll come back to you
and I'll be here for you

and you don't need
you don't need to worry
and you will see it's easy to be loved
I know you wanna be loved

oh I will carry you over
fire and water for your love

oh I will carry you over
fire and water for your love
and I will hold you closer
hope your heart is strong enough
when the night is coming down on you
we will find a way through the dark

i love you too.
oh, i forgot to gush about her tattoo.

she has, on her left shoulder, in her own handwriting (which is so pretty, personable yet very legible and simplistic):

on the best
terms I can

i love it. i love it. it's so... poignant and relatable, ughhh.

erm, thanks, Facebook. apparently i've mentioned her so often lately to some other friends that she rose to the top of my chat list even though we haven't talked since "höpönassu <3 ", and that was a short conversation too. i've spent literally hours today gushing about her damn gorgeous voice to people. how can anyone have such a fantastic voice?! i melt into a puddle just thinking of how she sang to me when we were cleaning.
but still, come on, Facebook, haha.

oh, well, makes it easier for me to stalk her online frequency and DAMN IT I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT but the temptation is too strong.

like, i sent her a message this evening and checked religiously for the first two hours if she'd seen it yet. i mean, every five minutes or so.
and when she was online my heart started a jig and my cheeks glowed red and i had to open another tab just so i wouldn't sit here staring at my Facebook in stupor. so i sat here staring at a blank page instead.
she hasn't even read it. she won't answer it before she's read it. duh. and still i was so nervous, oh, God.

AND WHY SO NERVOUS? what what the fuck seriously.
as if a friend wasn't allowed to send another a funny picture that made her think of her. as if she'd say something bad - it's a Facebook message, therefore if she's pissed off when she sees it she won't reply. WhatsApp was different that one Monday.

and come on, she knows how i feel and she (says she) thinks it's cool.

"if you're awake at four a.m., you're either in love or lonely, and i don't know which is worse."
ooh, so true it stings.
tonight i am both.

she's been having well-earned "me time" and i'm just thirsty for more company attention compliments affection sweet little nothings and lessthanthrees.
i'm not normally THIS obsessed. i just had a bad night last night and i was very lonely as a consequence, and she makes me feel better than anyone else, she knows just the right buttons to push. (just like she knows exactly what to say to hurt me the most when she's pissed off.) so i yearned for her company more than usually. (and i keep having these really steamy dreams which do NOT help at all, ahahaha. i wouldn't normally mention things like this here but a) i can't control my dreams - i'd love to but i can't, and b) talking about her beautiful voice all evening got me all fuzzy so it's on my mind right now gaah, and c) i will without a doubt one day come moan here about how i had one of those dreams with her sleeping next to me and how it was awkward. because it's just waiting to happen.) (i have major worries for our trip - i'm pretty sure i'll wake one morning all wrapped up in her, hands and knees and faces in awkward places, even though i fell asleep on the other side of the bed, and how do you explain to your major crush that you didn't do it on purpose?) (then again she's changed her bra on or off thrice in front of me now and every time i've either looked away, cheeks aglow with red, stared really sternly at my bedside table, or actually physically walked away into another room, haha.) (when i have FEELINGSSS i apparently like to incorporate as many parentheses into my writing as i humanely can, and then some.) (here have some more.) (parentheses.)

buuut i was talking about being sick for attention, not how amazing she is and how i want her so desperately... ugh. bad feelings, bad feelings, the topic is bad feeling!
this will pass, will pass soon. it's already way better than 24 hours ago. maybe in a day's time i'll be back to normal. (whatever the fuck that is, haha!)

and the Universe has been so so so incredibly absolutely inexpressibly amazingly wonderful; there are positive messages and affirmations everywhere i look just when i start to feel bad again.
can i incorporate the Universe into my tattoo as well? ohh, it'd be grand.

much, much love <3
seriously, i could cut out all the words in all the books in the whole world and there still wouldn't be enough to say how much i love you, Universe. i'm your girl, through and through <3
... if only you could see me right now. i'm sitting here making inarticulate noises and throwing my hands in the air in search of a coherent way to say what i came to say.

how does she not-- why would she-- surely she--

she's wise and reads things very well. like i've said before, she's really en pointe with my feelings all the time and takes them into consideration even when she's getting pissed off at me.

she's also always very considerate with what she says to other people.

she's caring and she has a whole lot of love for us but she doesn't put it into words, she's more of an "i'll show you with actions how special you are to me" girl.


does she not know how it makes me feel? of course she does.

does she not care? of course she cares what the fuck is this question even doing here.

she isn't taunting me or being cruel or making fun of my feelings, i know that. and i know she means it when she says it. and i also know she's aware of what her words make me feel. and that her aim isn't to hurt but to make me feel better.

maybe the question i'm really flawfully trying to convey into words is "why would she say that when she's not being mean and knows how it makes me feel?".

maybe this mess of feelings is actually my internalized hope rearing its head again - "oh, she's suddenly decided she likes me after all!" haha as if.

or maybe she's just pretending that sunday three weeks ago never happened, and is doing such a great job with it she doesn't even feel awkward using affectionate terms, which, again, are really rare from her despite all her help and caring and love, with me. even after my very emotional few days.

or maybe she's been to my tumblr and Facebook or saw my comment about dull knives sucking and read it the way i meant it to be read.

or maybe she worried i'm going to be disappointed even though i'd just said i'm just saying it, not expecting anything, no worries.

or maybe she just likes me. for some stupid reason. not romantically, obviously, but as a friend. maybe i matter to her. (... if only there was a font for sarcasm! i'd use it here. "MAYBE"?! for fuck's sake we've established her genuine affection for me so many times i can't even remember them all anymore and i have a lot of memory spared for moments like that. OF COURSE SHE LIKES ME, SHE LIKES ME SO MUCH AND SO OBVIOUSLY THAT I FEEL COMFORTABLE SAYING IT HERE AS A TRUTH I DON'T EVEN QUESTION and that's saying a looooot, coming from me.)

and did she make me feel good with her words? YES. i started crying out of joy again. (i've done that a lot lately. where do these tears keep springing from?!)

it feels odd that she can take my feelings in her stride and not stumble on them at all. they're there but she never brings them up in any manner anymore after that chat, and she never lets me feel uncomfortable about them either. nothing's changed, nothing at all. if anything things have improved.
maybe, just maybe she really was right when she said she's not going to leave me just because someone else did in a similar situation. that i have to give her some credit and trust her to be able to make up her own mind and form her own opinions.
and the funny thing is, i'm not even scared, really, anymore. sometimes when i feel weak the fear finds a way in but it doesn't burrow deep inside me like before, it doesn't paralyze and drain me dry.
i trust her to stay.

it's a lot. it's so much from me, so empowering after all these years of real and imagined abandonments, lost friends, deaths, forsaking health care personnel... it takes so much, so much to be able to stand up to that fear, my lovely little killer of a borderline disorder and say I AM NOT GIVING IN TO YOU THIS TIME, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE HERE. I RESCIND YOUR INVITATION TO MYSELF AND ONE DAY I WILL ABJURE YOU.

... i love how i can take a small goodnight wish and turn it into a self-psychoanalysis session. she inspires me! haha.

aww but she really makes my life so much better. she brings a lot of light into my life and when the night falls she's always there to light up the stars in the sky for me, to guide my way back to home port.
always there to hold my hand in the howling wind, swirling storms and weak moments. hold it tight, and tighter still.

she's always there in one way or another and it means more to me than i can ever express, even in incoherent noises.
(that's not to say my mouth doesn't try, what with its inarticulate mewls and whimpers that are half sobs and half tinkling laughter. and the lump in my throat! and the burn in my eyes, the tears that refuse to fall because i'm too happy for them despite their being there. and the electric current that runs from my knees to my lower abdomen before taking a detour in my chest...!)

i'm gonna drink my tears tonight
i'm gonna drink my tears and cry
'cause i know you love me, baby
i know you love me, baby


can't hold it back anymore

she liked her Christmas presents - she WhatsApped them to me and our mutual friend and squeed all the way through the unwrapping.
the Mulan box i gave her was photographed only on the sides that had funny quotes on them - the side i papered with True to Your Heart lyrics was left uncommented and unseen.
she got a Pacific Rim figure from our friend and seemed overjoyed by it, and naturally so because it seems to be her favourite movie ever... but the she opened the Marvel sock set i got her as well and there were many squees.
what made me cry later on, though, was when i saw she'd posted the socks on both her instagram and tumblr with the caption "best present ever", wearing the Captain America sock proudly in air in the photo. i was already really emotional because of my presents and something she'd written to me on Facebook which i'll typo about in a minute or two, so when i saw that post i pressed my hand to my quivering, smiling lips as a mewl escaped them.
and the smile on her face in the photo she sent us of her wearing the Clyde pin i got us all! i've stared at it a several dozen times just because... her smile! her smile. her smile. (she said she'd only understood my frightened face, as she found my pin on the floor, when she unwrapped her own. i felt bad because i'd almost spoiled the surprise and i hadn't even realised i'd had a face on, but she said it's okay, she didn't connect the pieces and i'd had so many frightened faces anyway it was one among many.)

i got good presents as well. i got Bones seasons 1-6 on DVD (with a scratched disc, lol my luck), a superbly campy The Little Mermaid book, make-up, money, a gift card to a bookstore, a necklace with a bottle of Mermaid Tears, and MODDED ARIEL FIGURINES. she and our friend had modded them just for me. they are so pretty! full of glitter and better underwear and shoes and SHE HAD MADE ONE OF THE DRESSES A WEDDING DRESS. for me.
i cried. not because of the figurines in themselves but that they had done so much just to make my present something i really really like. and by her! oh yesss.
but the best present by far has been all my friends, both all the new wonderful ones and the incredible old ones i've reconnected with (or should i say they've reconnected with me? i admired that a lot. it takes gumption to write such a pretty message after months of inactivity between us).
every day i'm moved to tears by them. every day i'm grateful for them and everything they do for me and help me do. the little things they do make me happy and feel cherished and cared about and like i matter.

and Facebook?
it means a lot to me to log online just to see i have 12 new notifications and 11 of them are from her, liking things i've written or even commenting on them. and with them i can also see the things she's chosen not to like, which also speaks volumes.
yesterday she'd liked a comment in which i mused i might perhaps try to break my habit of treating bad moments with binging and whisk(e)y. it, on top of everything we'd already chatted about and all the thumbs i'd already got, made me topple over the emotional edge and so i sent her a private message with "kiitos" and a sticker of Snoopy holding a heart to his chest looking happy.
she wrote back "awwwwwww" and "kiitos itselles".
i was confused, since i was thanking her for caring so much and so noticeably about me (even after all the messes and bother i've brought to her), and so i asked what i'm being thanked for.
she replied "siitä että oot".
... the lump in my throat still burns my eyes.
after all this shit i've stirred in our relationship she still loves me (as a friend). after all this time? always.

i was asking my father about my savings account balance because She and i talked we could purchase the trip already now so it'll be cheaper, but that means i'll have to pay for it now and she'll pay me when she gets her summer job again. (i'm only mentioning this because YEEESSS BRIGHTON HERE WE COME and because it takes a lot from me to trust someone not to up and leave in the meantime but with her it comes on its own, unforced.)
he said maybe i should think about it a little more still.
i get it, i really do, but my first thought was that everyone's against my being involved with her, because she's a her and has mental health issues as well. I GET IT. i just don't like it or agree with it because have you seen the smiles on my face, the light in my eyes? have you heard the loud tattoo my heart beats against my ribs not only because of my infatuation but because she rejuvenates me?
i would never, never be ashamed to be loved by such a person. she is kind, smart, compassionate, considerate, caring, funny... when she holds you, you feel like you can never fall because she'll be there to catch you, stand you upright again and help you take the first steps again.
and she will. she has and she will.
one ought to feel privileged and special to be so important to someone so amazing.
i won't care what they say
i'm in love with you
i don't care what they're going to say
let the storm rage on
the cold never bothered me anyway

i would fucking FLAUNT it to the world if she were mine in the romantic sense. flaunt it proudly and happily.

one of the many things i really liked about my presents was the name tags. her handwriting, personal yet clear and simplistic, my name in capital letters surrounded by lots of cute little hearts.
i've thrown a lot of useless memorabilia away in the last week, but these tags i saved. they make me happy because of all they remind me of.

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

first off, Frozen is so fucking amazing. it's on my absolute favourites list already. Elsa is fucking awesome! and Anna and everyone else is so adorable.
seriously, just check out Elsa's Let It Go on YouTube. it's on repeat as i write.
just like Ariel is my depression analogy, Elsa became my BPD analogy immediately.
we all cried a lot in the movie. two of us were 26, i 24 and the youngest 23. we all enjoyed the flick immensely and probably got better kicks out of it than the kids in the audience.

and then She came home with me to clean my room. she was supposed to just help me, keep me company while i clean.
we were delayed by an unexpected coffee shop excursion, which made me feel upset because the movie had already eaten hours off our time alone. she noticed pretty acutely my feelings as always and asked, when we were alone for a moment, what i'd meant by asking so doubtfully what the plans are after we've had our drinks. i explained i'd thought we'd all go our separate ways then, and she seemed genuinely taken aback and a little hurt when she said, "vaikka mä oon luvannut tulla sun kanssa?"

... her cleaning method was tough love. but i do appreciate the fact that she never once said anything bad about the state of my room and was actually encouraging and kept saying it's completely fixable and it's understandable why it was the way it was.
she just started stuffing practically everything into plastic bags while i stood by, shaking a little and not quite knowing what to do. she said she understands, it feels awful but it'll pass and i'll feel so much better then. and that that's why she's there to do it, because i couldn't do it myself.
we took at LEAST thirty bags and boxes of things into the trash. it's really strange to look at my room now, here - there's all this floor space suddenly, my clothes are in the closet (instead of me myself, haha) all folded up neatly by her, she gathered my books and put them on the shelves... all my magazines and newspaper cuttings are gone, she put some cute pictures on the wall for me and threw all the rest away... and she kept an eye on me too, both to make sure i wasn't constantly abandoning my current task to start another in a fit of ADD and to see how i was feeling. i got upset quite many times, but i also got a lot of cheering words, encouragement, lovingly said toughness, many compliments on my incredible effort and letting go, a high-five every time we came back from the trash station, and many tight, long, loving hugs with sweet words muttered into my shoulder.
i don't think she quite knows how much it meant to me to hear her say "mä oon niin vitun ylpee susta." AND she wrote into our semi-public chat group that she's proud of me. and she made a status about our work. (she rarely writes about other people in her statuses, which she also writes quite seldom, so it was special.)

she always meant to go home, because she had so many bags to carry and didn't want to take them to her sister's, where she was headed next, but then somehow it was one-thirty in the morning and the last bus had driven by twenty-five minutes ago.
we set her up on the spare mattresses (like a princess, one wouldn't do, haha) and she worried about my night light because she couldn't sleep with the light on but also knew i have horrible issues sleeping in darkness. i said i feel safe with her there - 'no monster will dare to come while you're here!' - so i don't think i'll need a light tonight. and i didn't. i slept almost through the night in one go, never once measured my sugars with worry, had no anxiety or bad dreams or anything.
i wish i could hire her to be my sleep companion (... that's not a euphemism for prostitution). i slept so well. i didn't even have any memorable dreams, i was in such a deep sleep after so many weeks of so little sleep.
she then meant to get up and leave before noon to go home before going to her sister's. she left at five-thirty, and we spent the hours cleaning more and she painted her nails with my polish collection (after we woke up, which took at least an hour; i asked her "miksi aina aamu" and she chuckled in agreement). i kept worrying i'm keeping her here, making her do all the work, which was silly because she actually enjoyed it, she got a kick out of feeling helpful and useful and a good person and because she viewed all this time as hanging out with a friend - and she really is the kind of person who will say "i'm leaving now, bye" if she wants to leave.

i was really emotional all throughout the whole thing, starting right from the movie, and playing One Direction's Through the Dark made it worse, as did seeing all these old papers from A times and stuff, and obviously just throwing away about half of my possessions and all these things i'd treasured for such a long time was hard enough, but what really got me the most, what still makes me go all weak not just at the knees but everywhere, was when i was folding clothes on the floor and she was organizing my desk. she went quiet quite suddenly and the air felt pregnant, so i looked up and she was holding my packet of blades, weighing it in her hand, and looking at it and me, and she said they're not good for me, they don't do me any good... she made some sad faces at me. "they're no good for you, mon."
and i know she wanted me to say let's throw them away, and the thing is i wanted to say it, but the words didn't come out. i couldn't even open my mouth. i felt really electrified, in a bad, sad way, right down to the pit of my stomach and kept folding my clothes, but in a really slow motion, and all the while felt her burning gaze on my face while i looked at anything and everything but her. she put the packet on the desk shelf and never said anything bad about it nor seemed disappointed in me, but i saw her look at it with sadness on her face.
(a week ago or so, we were hanging out at work and i was asking after her book-making process and whether the knife i'd given her was still sharp enough to help, and i asked if i should being more knives in. she said she's totally okay with the one she has and the ones we have on the work tool shelf. then she glanced at me and added in a heavy voice, "mut jos sulla on kotona joku... stashi niitä, ni tuo ne tänne. ihan sun oman turvallisuutes takia." it made me feel awkward and i didn't quite know how to be there so i stared at my hands and at the table and twisted and turned about on my chair whilst nodding vaguely. it's hard to feel cared about! completely and utterly amazing and wonderful, but it's such a novelty i still don't know how to be with that feeling or how to respond when someone really really cares.)
but one day i will make her proud and throw them away. one day i'll make myself proud. one day i'll be in control of my emotions and be stable enough with my sense of happiness not to need them anymore.

she called me "Noora kulta" at one point and i know it's just a term of general affection, but it's been so long since anyone's said it to me without pity. i paused for a fraction of time just to feel good about her choice of words. i think she saw my face light up a little.

another thing that was completely amazing and made me awkward as hell and tearful was when i showed her the list i once made for sassy gazelle, a list of things that are wrong with me. she didn't even read it, she just took the papers from my hands and tore them to shreds with a noticeable amount of determination and said, "tätä mieltä mä oon sun 'huonoista puolista'." she then continued by praising me but she did that so many times during the 22 hours we spent here i've forgotten exactly what she said at such and such a point. (how novel for me!) but i was "ihana" at some point, that i remember.

when i was walking her to the bus, she said we're awesome, and i said "SÄ oot loistava", and she stuck with her own phrasing and said i shouldn't diss myself all the time, i've done an incredible amount of work both physically and mentally, because unlike her, i've had an emotional bond with the things we've thrown out.
i didn't know, once again, how to respond, so i started singing in a soft voice, "oh i will carry you over..." she took over, "fire and water, for your love..."
i will never not associate that song with her. (but i do love that meme that says "and suddenly every love song was about you".)
and holy fuck her voice, both talking and singing, is amazing. oh, the shivers when she harmonises or does hooks. i could listen to her reading the phone directory out loud and still be mesmerized.

and yes, we really are going to Brighton! yay! i wasn't quite sure if it was seriously in consideration or if we'd just been joking about (and obviously my feelings could have tipped the scales awry as well), but apparently we really are going there and we might even reserve the trip soon already OH MY GOD MY HEAD WILL EXPLODE FORM SQUEE. and she said i need to be shown around London (she's in love with London. i just kept talking about Baker Street). and we also talked of Scotland briefly, because she really wants to go there some day. (i already Googled train ticket prices from Brighton to Inverness, ha.)

everything's been so wonderful, really, really wonderful, but i think in the long run the thing i ought to be most grateful and happy about is how nothing's changed for the worse between us. she doesn't mind my leaning over to see her phone screen so that my head is almost on her knee, nor when i press my head to her chest because i'm in an awkward position and thus end up resting my temple on her breast, nor when i hook my arm with hers, nor all the long, tight hugs, nor all my scratchings of affection - i even get to pet her head even though she's really wary about people touching her head or feet (and let's not forget the times i've sat on the floor beside her and leant my head on her legs). she even took her bra off while i was sitting on my bed, and put it back on in the morning the same way. i averted my eyes out of politeness and embarrassment, but she didn't seem to mind. and while the bra was off we admired its glitter with enthusiasm.
at one point i gave her a hug as she was sitting on the floor, so that i was standing behind her and bent over to wrap my arms around her clavicle area and put my head on top of hers, and we just swayed around for a while and i uttered feeble thank-yous to her. is it a sign from the Universe that not only do our fingers lace up together perfectly, like a jigsaw puzzle piece and its partner, like her knuckles were molded with my fingers in mind, when we're holding hands, but that the back of her head was like made to rest on my boobs? haha.

she's so amazing. she loves to sleep in and stay up late, she likes to pig out on junk food (which i find a little unnerving because she's such a slip of a thing), she gets out of breath walking and talking at the same time and doesn't want to walk too far or use stairs if there's an escalator, she likes to fangirl lots of things (we spent fifteen minutes today looking for Magikarps from my old Pokémon things, and we've been talking about Disney animations a lot and singing songs from them with a lot of heart), and she killed a spider for me even though she's scared of them too - and did i mention already how she said nothing but nice things even though my room was a landfill, and how she held me tight tight tight to her and said lovely things to me and how i'm amazing and great and make her so proud and and and AAAAAAAAGH.
i have a lot of feelings.
and she's so fucking pretty and her voice and everything and SHE'S SO FUCKING AMAZINGLY SMART AND WISE. she actually sees how i feel or what i'm thinking of, just by looking at me for a moment, and she always tells me to 'think aloud' and tell her what's on my mind, to put it into words or even try to.

as she was leaving, i suddenly blurted out how i've always, for years and years wanted the kind of friends Disney animations have, and now i do...! 'and it's not to say the old pals weren't good people, we just... didn't click in that way.' a bit later i added she and i have a good supply-and-demand ratio going on, and she laughed it's true.

maybe it's good, at least for now, that romance things turned out the way they did. i'm learning that not everyone leaves me, not even when i'm being difficult - and frankly i think my head would be in real danger of imploding if she were "mine".
that's not to say i've given up hope. i honestly don't even know how to do that. hope is instilled in me, it's a vital part of me.
but just having her as a friend makes me really, really happy, so happy i feel right now it's enough. i wouldn't know how to be with all that extra happiness still!

AND Helmi turned thirteen today. mama's little teenage tiger. three years ago today she was fighting for her life and i'd been told she has practically no chance. there she is now, purring in her sleep downstairs, dreaming of all the sausage i promised we'll eat in the morning.
the darkest day of the year has been exceptionally light for me.

Universe, you are so kind and graceful and amazing to me. i am dearly, dearly blessed with so many good things in my life to counterbalance the shit my head keeps coming up with to torment my days and feelings.
i am so, so, so grateful. i love you. i will always be your girl. always.

oh, i will carry you over
fire and water
for your love
and i will hold you closer
hope your heart is strong enough
when the night is coming down on you
we will find a way through the dark


i will love you unconditionally

she's sleeping half a metre away from me right now.

if our friend wasn't sitting on her other side i could barely contain myself. i'd just stare. i'd be Edward Cullen. i think i'd even sparkle too.

she's so pretty! in an unconventional way. she has oddly shaped teeth and unkept eyebrows and her short Spock bob is sticking out in almost every direction in greasy spikes formed during a night of rolling around. her nose is big and her eyes slanted almonds. she keeps moving about in her sleep and suddenly waking up to look at my cat and talking to her in a cutesy voice. she almost kicked Hely in the face just a moment ago and then slept for a minute with her knee in the air all randomly.

but... i mean... how can anyone be so adorable? i'm getting hyperglycaemia just thinking of her. i can't even look at her for long, because then i'll get stuck and then it'll be embarrassing because everyone knows about my infatuation and we all pretend it isn't there, i included. (and i'm not doing a very good job. but it seems to be okay anyway. she stayed up with me last night because i was feeling low and upset - The Little Mermaid on VHS moved me more than i expected, i sobbed into my pillow for half the flick and couldn't get out of the rut after it - and talked with me about cute frogs, inspired by her pink frog PJ pants. when she was too tired to stay awake, she stroked my shoulder affectionately and said i should get some sleep too, i'll feel better then. "kaikki on hyvin." ... damn it, i'm getting tears in my eyes just now, just thinking of it.)

she's so tiny! she barely appears to be under the covers, except when she's kicking about.
i hope she's healthy.
most of the time i don't even worry about her anymore, because she seems to be fine, but seeing her so comatose and so fragile and petite... she was on her side and the way her body curved from hunched narrow shoulders down even more to a slim waist and then up again to her hips made me really sad for several reasons.
please don't hurt yourself. please take care of yourself. please let us know if you require assistance - not "if you want help", but "if you need help" (because if it's about wanting help then she'll die kicking before admitting she needs it).
i will be there in whatever form desired. i won't tire. i will pull you up just like last night from the floor even if takes ages and drains all my energy. i will.
if you just let me.
... and of course her frame also made me sad because it's not mine to touch or to sleep next to.

i've taken lots of pictures for keepsakes from this pyjama party. it's been a convenient way to take pictures of her. i've not framed everyone else out of the picture but my focus has admittedly been in getting her in the photos. i took two or three dozen just of her playing with Hely last night on the floor. and i was devastatingly obvious about my agenda, ugh. but no one said anything about it and she asked if i could send her the photos as well. (i may have to eliminate some shots just so as not to appear TOO into it - i don't think she understands how intensely borderliners feel emotions and thus my crush is really really big despite being relatively new (six months ago i didn't even know her name!) - but she knows i like her a lot and she knows i took several several photos of her.) (and yes, she knows i'm sitting here. i may be all stalker-like but at least i,m doing it openly and acceptedly.)

i'm getting upset because we were supposed to watch one more film before the girls leave, and everyone's still sleeping, at least technically.
the reason i'm sitting here, apart from being able to be so close and bask in her presence and beauty, is just to be able to spend the remaining time with her. even if she's asleep 95% of it. ... i can't explain it. maybe i just have an addiction. i crave more time with her so badly i'll take all the dregs i can.

hee now she's talking with me all cheerfully and petting Hely on her chest.

aaaaa i can't take it.

no, seriously, i can't take iiiiiiiiit.

things are really, really shitty

and i want to give up

i found a roll of bandaid and a bag full of old meds and they cheered me up more than i'm comfortable admitting

but a newsfeed is once again trying to capture my attention; tumblr had

"where there is great love
there are always miracles.
-Willa Cather"

... yea i really need one now!

i can't breathe.

i need my gills.

oh, Universe, you don't have to beat me down so badly; you always win anyway. (and i'm supposed to be on your side! why won't you aid me?)

you don't have to beat me. i do it myself quite well enough. we both know exactly where it hurts the most.
the ten newest notifications on my Facebook are all from her. then there are a few other random things, maybe two or three, and then another slew of her thumbing pretty much everything i post (with the noticeable exception of anything where i seem sad or talk of Feelingssssss).

my sense is screaming at me to get a grip, she just laughed at the two newest ones, but...

the surge of hope and elation is ridiculously high. i cannot face it, i'll drown in it. a happy death!

she says she reads Facebook quite seldom, she just checks for messages when she comes online, and now she's been thumbing me for several days in a row. and she's thumbing EVERYTHING except sadness and feelingssss.

i'm reading way too much into this, i know, i know, but i still feel all touched and... like i stood a chance.

oh, ocean of hope, drown me. this little mermaid cannot swim in such warm seas.

(hey, Universe? i love you.)

"too shy or too scared?"

i look at you
you look away

all these things we leave unsaid
for better or for worse
hanging not even in the air

the air is too full of electricity
and my butterflies and longing
do i smell like pheromones to you?

but hanging in the ether
my self-sabotaging plentitude to make you see it
your determined unliking it

it leaves me hanging too
do you know, do you care?
do you worry as i do? should i share?

things posted online can be ignored
but your face when directly in line with mine
and my bright cheeks and glowing face

and my tell-tale eyes
and soft skin seeking solace
i can't believe you don't see it

but we leave things unsaid
for better or for worse
because we're equally scared


you look at me
i look away

glory and gore go hand in hand

she keeps liking things on Facebook i've posted days ago, even though she's liked a lot more recent stuff in between.
she actually goes back to look at my old posts, even though she's seen the ones she's scrolling past.

and this morning i woke up to three favouritings on tumblr, all by her. (i don't care for favourites otherwise, but hers... well, you understand.)

and yesterday when i made a lewd comment on our chat group, "darling, it's better down where it's wetter (that's what she said...), take it from me!", she wrote back "omg
mutta totta toi on"

but the likes!
i literally have a notification tab full of her liking (and commenting) my stuff. i have to scroll down quite a long way to see anyone else's name.

didn't i just write, myself, about having gone back to almost like old things of hers?

yes, i know, i live in the Egyptian river.
but my heart subsists on hope. please don't take it away even though it's false and delusional.

i know i couldn't make her happy because that's her own job, but i could make things easier when life gets hard. i could carry her.
and it'd be a challenge for me because i feel like such a clumsy idiot when she gets angry at things and i don't know how to ease it, and i know i'm not even supposed to ease it but that's my reaction, and then she snaps at me and i feel like a child that's just been told off for something they meant well with. (which, actually, is exactly what it is that she does to me.)
she dropped something on the floor at the pharmacy the other evening and i moved just a foot or so, and she said hastily "mä nostan sen ite." then two minutes later she's stuffing a plastic bag into her canvas bag and it's not going very well, and i barely even move and she clips out, "älä. auta."
and i stand there with my hand in the air by my head, half raised in surrender, frozen with shame and confusion.
we could help each other tackle the demons. two are always better than one. i am so fucking fierce and tireless when it comes to defending people i love. and so is she. it's ourselves we have difficulty finding worthy enough of fighting for.
we could help each other save ourselves, be each other's crutch and cast and ambulance and weapon provider.

i've lost four kilogrammes in three weeks. i haven't done anything out of the ordinary. two of those three weeks i subsisted on fast food.
but it's been three weeks since i accepted my feelings towards her.
in reality i must have a tapeworm, i know, but i find it strange that things coincide so. i see signs where there really aren't any, are there?

oh, Universe, let me be good to her, please.
she's posting heavily hinting things on tumblr and

i know i'm really just projecting my vain hopes here but

i really really wanted a sign and then there she was with her song lyrics and quotes and semi-pretty girls with full eyebrows and red hair and

i literally turned on my iPad just come pour this out here because

it freaks me the fuck out to think that there's always the chance that two people like each other and miss the chance because both are too scared (or too shy) to say anything but

i dare not say anything because it'll make things awkward, i'll get that horrendous "you're a nice girl but..." speech again and no i am not a nice girl if i were you'd want me, and i don't want to lose such a precious person and golden friend just because i can't handle my emotions

what do i do, what do i do?!

can she not be the one to be brave, to say something, if things are as i read them?
and if she does not, as i know she will not do, then i am to presume i have been dealt all the love in this interpersonal relationship, all the love to burn on and out.

can she not be the one who proves to me why things never worked out with anyone else?

dear Universe, i know i'm asking for so so so much but please please please i want to love her so so so much. please don't let heavy hints posted back and forth on tumblr be the highlight of this romance. please please please.
i am worth it, i really really am. i am worth her, i really really really am!

oh, dear Universe, how i love you so.
never before have i had a crush whose statuses from 2009 i've almost 'liked' on Facebook.

lucky for me, a brain cell was still awake just as i was pressing my finger down.

"i like you as much as won't freak you out."

why i want you so desperately

the way you say nothing
when i sob for a hug
the determined motion of your arms as they move from my shoulder to the chair
the scrape of metal legs on cold grey floor
the way you pull my head to your heart and hold it there for minutes
the "ha, sain sut nauramaan!" when i finally manage mirth again

the way you like
half the inane ramblings i post on Facebook
the way it looks on my notification tab
just you all over it
"she likes your status"
"she likes your comment"
"she commented on your status"
the way it makes me feel

the way you burst into laughter
high-pitched and gasping
the "MITÄ!", the "ei vittu!"
your open mouth and bright eyes
your cute teeth
your openness and expression

the way you make light
of your rough moment and my awkwardness with it
by quoting Disney animations
"artikuloitsä aina noin selkeesti!"
my quip about tying my own sandals and everything
"i'm a damsel, i'm in distress. i can handle it. have a nice day."
and the way you approve of my Meg imitation expression
"no niinpä"

the way you both
man-handle me like anyone else
and yet constantly cushion me from the blows i deal
the way you say
if there's a problem we'll take care of it
the way you let me ask
if everything really is okay
and say yes of course don't you stress
the way you keep reminding me
it's not me, it's my illness
that's a bitch
the way you make me believe it

the way you don't judge
nor pity
when i manage to blurt in incoherent bubbles
the hurt i was dealt
the shame i have felt
the way you crush the petal in your palm and remind me
what you're thinking of
the way you sit with me
hold my hand
do everything with me
when your own art piece is already over the deadline

the way you make
a really bad failure
seem not so big
not too big to cope with
the way you grasp on to the positive
"ajattele miten pitkään sä pystyit olemaan ilman sitä!"
"vaan kolme kuukautta...!"
"kolme kuukautta, sehän on tosi pitkä aika!"
the way you say
'if it stops you from killing yourself then go for it
because I'd rather have you here'

the way you reach out to touch me softly
gently petting my arm
when i want to tear it to shreds
the way you take my hand
and lace your fingers in
and hold tight
and tighter still

the way you look at me
when i fall into my thoughts
and my chest tightens
the way you say
"ajattele ääneen"
"puhu mulle"
"kerro mitä sä ajattelet"
"mä nään että sulla pyörii joku ajatus päässä nyt, sano se ääneen"
the way you tell me where it is that i go wrong
where i lose my place and my way
and why

the way you always cheer
for me
for me
when i manage any small victory against my monsters
the way it feels to see
"hyvä Noora!!"
an exclamation mark!
smiley faces
and your wise, wise kind words

the way you hug me close
and say it's such a cliché
but things really will be okay

the way you take up the issues
i'm too scared to mention
the way you accompany me
just for security and company
and a hand to hold on to
an arm around mine
painted nails scratching my dirty-purple sleeve in compassion
the way you press your warm heavy head
on my shoulder
the way it feels
just right

the way you like to talk
in the movies
the way we sit with our heads together
and make random jokes and crude comments
the way you let me press my head into your shoulder
or squeeze your knee
the way you let me take your hand and hold it tight
while i'm biting down tears at the suicide
of a man you've bitched about for two hours
the way you say "aww..." with sadness on your face
when i wipe my eyes

the way you say
'i would definitely hear you say
"i'm going to go jump under a train now bye"'
in a serious manner when i
have merely joked about your obsession with your blood-prickled thumb

the way you let me walk
holding onto your arm or hand
pressed against you
the way you tell me
how the universe is balanced
how we need black holes
the way you let me turn it into
"wind is good because it means teh Universe is in balance!"
because hey, whatever works, works

the way you apologize
for your own issues
that just collided with mine
when my issue was the one that created the problem
the way you tell me to think of
Mads Mikkelsen in a corset
when i can't breathe for anxiety
the way you sing and dance
Time Warp
in your short pretty white lace dress
and pink Gaga shoes
God how beautiful your legs are

the way you love
"puhutaan jostain kivemmasta aiheesta..."
...? ... !!!
and lame jokes
so lame they're crippled for life
"mä oon ihan pihalla."
"ethän oo, sä oot siinä!"
the worse the better
"two fish are in a tank..."

the way you hug
long and tight and cheek-on-shoulder
the way you make meowing noises
as you scratch a shoulder in passing
the way you light up a little
when i smile at it

the way you sing along
to Disney and Gaga songs
and harmonize with me
the way you begin
with a mention of an opening line
and i can join in

the way you pause
and ask 'why would you have to do that?'
when i ask if i should have a vegetarian meal too
the way you say you'd eat bacon on bacon if you ate meat
the way you wolf down big meals when i'm only half done

the way you dance at the restaurant table
jam to the disco boogie with
closed fists by your shimmying shoulders
a nerdy look of shivering enjoyment on your face
and do it more when it makes me beam

the way you sit with me for hours
when i ask not to be left alone for a while
the way you search for tickets for me for days
even after i've given up

the way you ask what's wrong
even when i've said nothing
when i meant to say nothing
the way you know how i feel even though
you're there and i'm here
and everything's in between us
the way you put it in words so i don't have to

the way you say yes let's go
when i moan for Brighton
the way you let me dream
without a wake-up comment

the way you include me
in the group
when i fail to do so myself

the way you buy tickets for me too
when i neglect to reply to messages all day
the way you don't even question
my coming along
the way it's a given

the way you let me talk to you for an hour
rolled into a ball half in your lap
possessively stroking your hand
and mumbling out fears and tears

the way you let me sit at your feet
pressing my head to your knee
my cheek to your shin
even after i've uttered aloud
'yours are the prettiest legs i have ever seen'
the way you scratch me behind my ear
the way that little gesture
conveys to me a continous sense of
affection and caring
the way i practically purr in contentment
an hour after i cried into your sweater

the way you let me talk
about anything and everything
the way you don't get flustered
or grossed out
the way we talk
of purging food
at the dinner table

the way you're unashamed
pick your nose
talk rudely to rude people
sing and dance in public
the way you say exactly what you think
and how you feel
and still take care of me

the way you care
the way you show it
the way you listen
the way you respond
the way you touch
the way you make a hopeless place seem abundant with love
the way you see me behind my illness and disease
"sä et oo sun sairaus"
the way you break down the walls
the way you don't leave me on my own

above all

the way you look up from your work
with worry all over your face
when i go past with a bandaid and my supply bag
the way you ask
"Noora mitä sä teet?"
the way your voice echoes with sadness like a radio
a little off its station
a pale shade of panic vibrating in it
the way you ask a mentor what should be done
if you think someone's about to hurt themselves
the way you look at me
when i come back
with my poker face in place
and see through the pulled-down sleeve
the way you say nothing of it
the way you ask
"nähdäänhän me huomenna?"
as i'm leaving
and we're hugging
the way you reply to my apologetic message later with
"aina saa halata! olet tosi tärkeä enkä halua että sua sattuu. nähdään huomenna!"
and a fuckload of emojis
and the way that afternoon moment
your face
your voice
makes my heart crumble and stutter with sadness

the way you look at me
like i'm important
and i matter
and i am cherished

the way you love me
even when i despise myself so badly
it shows on my face
the way you hear
the "truth" i speak in a language of
hatred hidden beneath a joking laugh
the way you get angry
at my disease, not me
for not loving me enough

the way you

you're insecure
don't know what for
you're turning heads when you walk through the door
don't need make up
to cover up
being the way that you are is enough

everyone else in the room can see it
everyone else but you

baby, you light up my world like nobody else
the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
but when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell
you don't know, oh, oh
you don't know you're beautiful
if only you saw what i can see
you'd understand why i want you so desperately
right now i'm thinking of you and i can't believe
you don't know, oh, oh
you don't know you're beautiful
oh, oh
that's what makes you beautiful

you brought me to life

i know how difficult the situation is, how hopeless, and i was so giving up and desperate and hopeless myself yesterday, and i am on the move with quite a different feeling and very much less agenda now...

but the way my stomach tightened in tiny electric butterfly flips today when i looked at her straight in the eye and beyond...

i remember thinking how curious it is, that that feeling still arises so easily, so assuredly.
that was my first thought: how curious, this, still so strong.

and again, a tiny happy punch in the gut when i noticed our last week's movie ticket was in her wallet, in the picture window. (she had other tickets there, too, so it wasn't as if she'd kept it there just as a memento of a magical evening - but it still made me feel better.) (... i know, i know.)

i think it'd be optimal if i could leave things be now and let them happen on their own if they happen, and just concentrate on enjoying her company and unwavering friendship.
emphasis on the words 'if i could'. but i'll try!

anything can happen.
such a curious feeling, this one: my RIGHT arm is sore as fuck. from the bowling.

it's quite a handicap because i'm predominantly right-handed. so strange and new to have to be cautious of this arm, instead of the left with sorry red lines.

cutting now makes me think of Friday last week, and her, and her encouraging, kind, wise words and how tightly she hugged me when i asked if i could have a hug, held my head to her heart for many a minute.
it's such a positive memory, which in turns renders whatever wish there was to cut into nothing.

how can someone make me stop cutting precisely by telling me it's okay to cut?

reverse psychology at its finest, subtlest.

God bless the broken road that led me to you

let's run away and don't ever look back

because i like doing what i tell myself not to do because it'll hurt, i read through summer 2012 entries here. i wanted to remind myself what i wrote about sassy gazelle and how i dealt with my roiling emotions.

i found gems. (well, duh, of course i did, this is my journal, i have written these amazing sentences! haha.)
like, in July 2012 i'd written that things will be different this time next year, different in a good way. and they were indeed different in a good way in July this year!

a little later i'd written something about wanting to gain control and insight and not like him anymore, and to get rid of shadow creature.
and that i don't mind the pain if it's a pre-payment for something good to come, i just hope it comes soon. LOOK WHERE I AM NOW.

i know it didn't seem that way at the time but i should have believed every day, every second fully and forcefully and implicitly that It Gets Better.
not the way i'd imagined, not at all, but... i like the way it did.

a sidenote that made me feel better just now: she's taken up saying "ahaha" instead of the old "haha". i have influence! (... way to sound like a Slytherin wannabe.)
i sent her my Einstein-cycling-in-space pic with that imagination will get you anywhere quote as a reply to our mutual longing to go see Brighton pier, and she replied "ahaha söpö", to which i replied, "niin oon! ahahaha no lol joo".

and i want to write this down here 'til i can work on it more:
don't measure your friendships in days; measure them in skipped heartbeats, butterflies in the stomach, force of laughter, strength of joy, depth of companionship, the comfort of touch.

and then eight steps into the right

i just recalled Brighton is so southern, there must be large spiders in there. maybe they'll be outside in the summertime, enjoying the weather instead of frightening us to death...?

i can see us, trying to climb each other in a frantic effort to get as far away from a spider as possible.

never ever date someone with the same phobia as yours.

it'll end up like "if you cared about me as much as you say, you'd kill it!" "why won't you do that for me?!"
a true test of "how much do you love me", haha. (and i speak of love here as all kinds of love, including friendly.)

can i take a bottle (a five-gallon bottle) of Raid along? can i spray myself with it?
can i not run into anything with more than four legs please?

can we please go to Brighton?
the beach, the pier, her. and me.

i could go feed Pinky at Korkeasaari again before we left, so i'd be all "i've fed a gigantic hairy-arse tarantula, ain't no damn English spider gonna scare me no more!"

we both love lemon so we could douse ourselves in it for the holiday! natural Raid and a lovely scent.

i want her to undo everything sassy gazelle turned awry, want her to undo them without even noticing, without any effort on her part, just by being there. being here.

every time she's still there despite my fears she's grown sick of me, a tendril turns into the right direction, a cell is rejuvenated and remembers how it's supposed to work.
i have a whole lot of emptiness inside me to fill up, but we're doing it. together. little by little. i don't feel empty and hollow anymore.

she said maybe one day the fear won't be there anymore.

it won't. i won't let it stay. she and it don't fit in the same heart and brain. she repels it.

"the antidote for fear is love."
i waxed poetic at the thought of going to Brighton with her;

"i could kiss you
under the moon
and turn you into
a mermaid with stars in her hair."

the last line needs to be completely overhauled, but otherwise i like the tone. the beach is to DIE FOR. oh God.
i can see us jumping around in the waves and leaning over the pier and sitting side by side on the sand as the sun goes down.

i liked her response to my letting her know i'd Googled the place and loved it: "Brighton on ihana siel on kivan värisii taloja" verbatim.

then again i also liked pretty much everything else she's said to me today. that she doesn't recall being interrupted by me at all, smiley face, "oot pöhkö", and how we can go to Brighton, only not in the winter (i suggested late summer instead - we could celebrate our birthdays together in between the two dates), and she needs magic money, and "haha omg" at my "autocorrect stahp!" messing about, and how she liked my psychedelic Einstein quote picture, and how the "let's take a train to Brighton!" idea was met with a positive response. (well, duh, what else is there? we can't afford a taxi, neither one has a license, taking a plane is pure nonsense, neither one has the stamina or strength to cycle there, and i think we'd kill each other with kindness fifty kilometres into it if we walked.)
a train ride in the UK, to Brighton, to the beach of my dreams, with HER...! please excuse me while i go fan myself.

I also wrote about her and the Thursday evening yesterday at the writing group: about her cool, slender strong hand around mine ever so tight, her bright eyes and explosive laughter, and how she's STILL there, after all the shit she stills stays up with me just because i have difficulties being by myself in an emotional turmoil.
i didn't mention names, not even sexes/genders (i really need to educate myself with these words, ugh), nor dates, because i don't want anyone to guess anything because i hate awkwardness - just a few flashes that keep replaying themselves before my closed eyes. how my ADD quiets down, my area of attention is limited both visually and aurally to the edges of the table we're seated at... (when has anyone ever seen me pay attention to such a small area of vision and hearing?!)
i made the group leader cry, and all the other participants said aww, too.

i like the way she makes words bloom in my hands.

when i first told Laura - i had to tell SOMEONE, it was eating me up inside and i'd chickened out when i was supposed to tell HER -, she asked if i'd really be ready for everything relationshippy if my feelings were responded to in kind: "harrastaa seksii, seurustella, kävellä käsi kädessä?"
i was quiet for a moment, because that is a legitimate question to me after 24 years of presumed heterosexuality, and then i laughed i like her order of priorities.

i wasn't ashamed at all to walk hand in hand with her. i was happy, i was proud. i wanted people to notice, just so i could hold even tighter and show her i don't give a fuck about others' opinions.

i like the people i'm surrounded with. they're supportive, encouraging, and accepting as fuck. i was so cheered for when i told them i'm going on a BPD course and then maybe DBT. and it doesn't matter what you're telling them, "my grampa isn't sick!" or "my sock has a hole in it...", someone listens and replies.
you get a feeling of being alive, existing. someone sees you instead of just looking through you.
and the way she always comes to me with her arms open for a tight hulloagoodtoseeyou hug, wherever i am...!

or like when i told some people i've got some messages from people from my past and don't know what to do with them, the writing group leader, who's one of my absolute favourites, said she's getting really pissed off at such people and asked me if i'd want her to tell them to fuck off! complete with a fist slammed into the other palm, haha. (i do actually have a big influence there: people have started saying "vittu" a lot more than earlier. i originally took it from sassy gazelle. ... my contribution to society, oh, yes.)
or when i'd had a really bad meeting at the psychiatry outpatient clinic and told our boss i felt i wasn't being listened to nor believed, and the boss immediately asked me if i'd like for her to come along with me to my next appointment, said she'd make sure my views were paid attention to. i declined, but it moved me a lot to even be offered anything like that.

or when Danuka came with me to the sofa chat session, just for support and comfort. just for me.

"i can't promise to fix all your problems, but i can promise you won't have to face them alone." <3

please, God, let me never forget these precious moments and always be grateful for them.

if beauty was inches, you'd go on for miles.

Love needs room to breathe

I've wavered all over the place emotionally today. Hope, despair, anxiety, depression, loneliness, exclusion, fun, ... You name it, i felt it.

I even managed to unlock a major achievement: i felt two completely opposite, quite contradictory feelings AT THE SAME TIME. I thrashed in both.

I was ready to seal the day as a horridly crappy one, and then was amazingly surprised:


I can get rid of this shitty disorder. I CAN GET RID OF IT.

I got so excited i sent her a heart from under the table secretly and then shook with excitement, awaiting the moment i'd get to run out to text her.


I am seriously in love with her for the way she's stuck with me. The amount of time is short, but the amount of baggage and weight form my heart i've poured out to her has been enormous.
I haven't written about it yet but she literally held my hand as i hammered that rose i got for A to smithereens. Then we burned it, and i flushed it down the toilet. And she was there the entire time.

I then got worried about her terseness and unemotional way of chatting, and asked if we're still on for the movie. The rush of good feeling i felt as i got back "tottakai on" was more intense than i'd anticipated. (maybe because i hadn't anticipated. I was pretty much sure she'd grown tired of me in that one-hour period. Thanks a lot, BPD.) she said she was playing her favourite game, which explained everything. I said i'm quite jealous because Magneto ugh (we both like him) (and also jealous because play me instead? Haha. I didn't say that, obviously, but i think she might suspect stuffs anyway) and mentioned a positive little thing about the concert i've been so hung up on, and wished her a fantabulous evening.

I know i sound like a teenager for fuck's sake but the heart i got back made me feel all fuzzy inside.

And maybe i am a teenager in a sense. I'm starting to feel alive again, maybe for the first time since my life was put on pause. So if i was on pause, cryogenically frozen, am i not eighteen now? (she was appalled i'd carried my burden with me for over six years, but said it's not my fault i never told anyone. She said she wants to take a hammer to his face. Or a saw. A saw, she decided, would be better for its jagged blade. Hammer was on the list for better damage. ... God, i love her so much. Problem-solving skills 10/10!)

I made her a dream machine. To show her i want what's best for her, and that i trust her not to up and leave.
I hope she comes tomorrow.
After i told her the good news, i said i want to hug her so tight her bones make noises but without hurting her <3
"huomenna", came back the answer.

A few simple small things she said made me feel better when reason, crying, great news and positive expectations did not.
I don't feel like choking anymore. Not right now, at least. And i know it'll pass.
I'll go all Bender; "we'll make our own trip! With black jack and prostitutes!"

Awwww my God how can anyone be so perfect and not really see that themselves?
She's acknowledged i'm sensitive and get hurt easily, but did it in such a way that didn't make me feel bad. She said it's not fair my illness runs my life and builds a wall between me and people. She's been taking down the wall one stone at a time and never, ever flinched away.

She said i'm worth the bother.

Do you know how much it means for me to know that? Not just hear it, but to know that in my bones. How much it means to know there's someone out there who cares, who bothers, who will carry you when your legs fail.

She is the best thing that's happened to me since Helmi didn't die. And i told her that, too.

... I just realised she HAS to know about my feelings, it's so obvious it burns (especially my blazing cheeks every time she comes near). Which makes her that much more appreciatable - still she hasn't backed away or started treating me differently.

aaaaaghhhh. I just want to gush and praise her to everyone. I tumbl'd an inage that said "she talks about you like you put the stars in the sky." and that's how i feel i talk about her.
Because she does, she does put stars in my sky.
Literally, too, in a way, because she told me about the comet!

I wonder if it's still there and if yes, can i make a wish...?

"I watched you sit alone
I watched you cry your eyes out
Now tell me what you've done
Is it so bad that
I would cut you out and
Leave you here alone?
Yes, i saw what you did
I was right there with you
I won't let you sink
No, i forgive you."

where have you been all my life

i follow her around like a lovesick puppy.

which, technically, i am. such an apt phrasing on so many levels.

on the other hand, when i was trying to avoid being too bothersome and stood by myself at the other end of the room, she called out to me to come sit with her.

before she came, i kept keeping an eye on the shelf where we keep our stuff and shoes. i had a sound therapy group going on in the food hall, but i still kept glancing over my shoulder every now and again, because i knew she was coming but not at what time. i'm the only one who couldn't lie still for the meditation part because i kept grinning at nice chat bits from the weekend and literally twisting myself on my head to see the shelf.
i worried one of the group leaders would pick up on my infatuation too well, so i tried to tell myself to keep calm when she comes.

and because she was on the phone when she came in, i only went past and smiled a hello, but her face sort of lit up a bit, and when she was done she attacked me with a hug.

and she wished me a happy yoga, after i'd fretted about not wanting to go but having to because i've skipped so many already and because we're on the same yoga group but she had a medical reason not to come.
(how strange for me to have a crush on someone who has periods. not strange in general, just... new and odd for me.)
i squeed about her immensely cute suspenders before i went, and she snapped them proudly, and then flinched because both banged right into her sore stomach. SHE IS THE CUTEST EVER.

and we went grocery shopping after work and we like practically all the same things (unrelated to groceries but she had the same pair of shoes on Saturday as i did for Gaga in 2009) and we were constantly saying what the other was also thinking.
i asked her where she's been all my life. she always replies the same, "hiding in a cupboard under the stairs."

and i joked i have a fan club for her and have VIP status because i'm the only member (not because others don't like her but because i'm the only one constantly being in awe of her), and she asked if it's arrogant to join one's own fan club, and i laughed i get to have a meet'n'greet every day.

and at the bus stop as i was getting on my bus, we hugged and i said "sä oot IHANA." and she said, "tunteita!", to which i replied with "ON!"
so technically i've told her how i feel. if she doesn't see it from my tumblr by the latest (for what about my rosy cheeks, my constant unlimited praise, all the hugs and worrying and analysing our friendship and rubbing one's cheek against the other one's shoulder, and... and everything), she's really blind to her own charm,

and she was sorry when it turned out we couldn't go to a concert like we'd planned. and now she's spent a long time trying to be joyful for herself and compassionate for me (because obviously i feel like shit because i can't go and i feel excluded and jealous because i wanted to have a fun trip with her, and i also feel like shit because i can't muster up enough unselfishness to be just and only happy for her happiness and am also making her feel bad for me) and i hate myself for letting anything show but she guessed my feelings before i'd even said anything about them.
on one hand i feel elated in a twisted way because it's obvious she cares, she cares a lot about me, and then on the other i feel shitty exactly because i know she cares and therefore can't be 100% happy like she should be.

and it tears me to tiny bits to see her tumblr and all her joy and not to be able to be completely happy for her because i'm selfish and wanted to be there too.
it's not like we'd have been on our own, even! i'd just have been jealous of her paying attention to the others because i'm selfish and possessive.
i don't get this bad feeling. or, i do, i know where it stems from, but i can't find reason in it.

then again i guess i'd be healthy and happy if i worked on reasons.

but she's very understanding, at least to my face, and keeps comforting me while i try to get over this.

as if we'd never spend time together because she's going to a concert next summer with other people! and she's going to be so hysterical there i'd just... i'd just feel excluded and replaced (and what the fuck at feeling replaced how am i replaced when i'm not placed at all in the first place).

both my brain and my heart completely ignore the fact that eight days ago we were friends and i really really liked her, but we hadn't really had any "moments". EIGHT FUCKING DAYS. apparently i magically expect us to go from "can i hug you?" kind of friends to "let's get married" kind of lovers in a week.
we've gone through so much in this past week already, it's amazing. i've learnt so much new, i've felt so many new things, she's opened up so much about herself despite saying multiple times she doesn't want to talk about the dark things... it's been a week and we're so much closer now. A WEEK.
why must i be so damn impatient? and insecure?

she's said several times now that i won't be excluded from "the gang" and that we WILL spend time together, a concert won't change that at all (and i think my brain is forgetting that people often do things with other people than me and it doesn't take anything away from me because i can't hang onto them 24/7 - except i did today but aaaaagh back to what i was writing about) - we're going to the movies this week anyway! and food. Chinese was on the list the last time we talked.
it's like a date except not because she doesn't fancy me and it's hardly a date if this is the case, as it is.
but it's still a movie and dinner with a person i cherish a lot. i say love, too, but not in the romantic sense - i have a big crush, yes, but it's still a crush - i love her as a person, as a friend. she's stuck with me through shit i'm embarrassed to even think about. like this disappointment about the concert trip. she's sat here for three and a half hours chatting to me just because i asked not to be left alone.
and she said she hopes i won't be disappointed in her when she'll start feeling worse! oh my GOD. no. NEVER. i told her it's different if someone can't deal with me and walks out, that's what i fear for because i don't want to lose people, but if a friend who's carried me so far with all my weight starts feeling bad, I AM GOING TO FUCKING CARRY HER. i will do everything, EVERY DAMN THING she'll let me do for her (she seems to think that she sucks if she doesn't do things herself).
i'll fucking stay up all night every night if she's scared to sleep.

... i just said to her i'd thought i was farther along with my borderline practice, and that that partially caused the bad feeling, because i wanted to be better for her. she said it's just been a week, i need to give myself more time. i replied that it's still damned annoying and bothersome, especially to her!
she said it's just got to be endured.
i said that hit the biggest waterworks all evening. to think that i am worth all this hassle and bother and annoyance. i am worth it.

she may not love love love me but she definitely loves me.

i'm gonna drink my tears tonight
i'm gonna drink my tears and cry
'cause i know you love me, baby
i know you love me, baby

and she reserved backrow seats at the theatre.

"sä et oo sun sairaus."

i must have died without realising it because that girl is an ANGEL with a heart of gold and she has so much shit of her own and still she carries me too.

oh my Gooooood.

i always wanted a guardian angel and never realised they could be mortal too. so very, very mortal.

i have lot to write about but it's so fucking late and i'm too keyed-up to type well, so later.

but this little cuteness from today:

there were lots of amazing performers and a few touching speeches at the birthday party, and i was growing more and more tearful and upset because i was so moved by the lyrics and thank-yous.
in order not to sniffle too much or choke on my swelling throat-lump, i started fingering my glittery arm and bandaid thoughtfully as i listened.

not many seconds managed to pass before i felt a soft finger start stroking my arm comfortingly, and i looked at her and her sympathetic, caring smile and managed one of my own in return, and i took her hand and she laced her fingers with mine and squeezed it.

not a single word was spoken, and yet how much took place!

HOW MUCH SHE SHOWED SHE CARES, just by reaching out to touch my arm. even after what she knew was under the bandaid and why it was there.



this person likes me. with all my shitty behaviour patterns and overblown anxieties and cutting because i can't handle ten minutes of wanting to and mood swings from HERE to heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere in two hours and everything i hate about myself, EVERYTHING I HATE ABOUT MYSELF -
she still wants my company, she still cares, she still listens, she still strokes my shoulder when i go mope in her armpit without a word, she still hugs me so tight i hear my bones cracking and i love it i love it i love it.

if she's "my reward" (not in a literal sense, but you know) for having stuck out with all the past shit, then i consider myself paid well.


lots of exclamation marks

i spent the night worrying for her. when she was on Facebook briefly at three a.m., i was so relieved i almost cried.
i haven't prayed in a looooong time but last night i begged for her to be kept safe. she of all people deserves it.
it was so brain-befuddling because on one hand you KNOW the odds for her not being safe and well are really small, but then the anxiety and fear for her overrides it completely and you end up washed in tears and heart aflutter because she hasn't been online all evening.

i thought she'd never come, like yesterday, and spent all morning in anguish and tears. i NEVER cry in front of people but now i just went around right on the verge of tears, and then holed myself in the toilet and bawled. i actually went downstairs, outside a bit before lunch just to have some air into my anxiety-squeezed lungs and to see if she'd come. i crawled back up the flights of stairs ever so slowly because i stopped at every turn to look out the big windows.
then she came, and i felt anxious and didn't know how to go say hi. i went for my insulin instead, and then there she was, right by the coffee machine, when i came back. i stopped and she noticed me and said hi, and i just stood there semi-frozen, but she came to me with her arms open, so i rushed into her arms and squeezed her ever so tightly to me. i bet half of my lipstick is now on her sweater shoulder.
(i left some hair on her shoulder and she said it's fine, leave it be, when i tried to pick them off, and then later we joked i'm marking people as my own like cats do by rubbing my cheeks on their shoulders.)

"onks kaikki hyvin?" i asked, holding her really tightly (and how comforting it was to have her hold tighter too, to know she felt my anxiety and fear and wanted to ease them).

"kaikki on hyvin... mut sulla ei selvästikään oo."

i sniffled and pressed my cheek tighter into her shoulder, and asked if we could talk a little.

i think we talked... maybe over an hour, even. a long time anyway. sat next to each other on the sofa and she held my hand tight the entire time, and i had my head on her shoulder for half of it.
i poured out my worries, my overblown anxieties, how twisted my personality disorder makes all interpersonal things and how previous abandonments make me sick with worry it'll happen again. how horribly i was scared for her after what she told me of her past. i said if she ever ends up in a hospital again i'll come hit her on the head with a frying pan.
she promised she'll tell someone if she starts to feel bad again, and she'll tell me if i do something wrong - and that as long as she doesn't say so, i can proceed with the assumption that i haven't done/said anything wrong. and that while she can't even see us getting into a fight, we will sort it out and make up if it happens; one fight doesn't mean everything's finished, we'll never be friends anymore.

when we were kind of done, for the moment at least, and going back into public areas, she hugged me again really tight and said it's such a cliché but that things really will be okay.

i continued to feel bad the rest of the afternoon, which was weird because i thought everything acute was now settled and talked over. i could feel the relief flush over, and yet i had to lie on the floor because i couldn't breathe for the knots in my chest. (severely depressive episodes have their pros: i hadn't eaten in two days so i was ever so flat-stomached as i lay there. not that that really helps when you're stretching yourself like a cat just to be able to breathe.)
when i managed to sit up i had my head pressed to her knee or shin (she sat on a stool and scratched my head behind my ear affectionately).

when it came out that i haven't eaten since Monday evening, she became really stern and ordered me to eat my cookies and banana, and literally watched me try to swallow morsels of that cookie. i threw it up, so happened to the banana a bit later as well, and she sat there working on her piece and keeping a worried eye on me at the same time and pleading me to have a forkful of lasagna.
i got applauded when i managed to drink a tetrapack of juice and kept it down, hee.

no matter what i said, the most trivial thing moaned from the floor, my head pressed to her knee, she reacted with interest and enthusiasm. do you know how amazing it is to feel you're listened to and actually responded to, instead of "mm, yeah..."?
and how many people you know will let you sit on the floor next to them, practically glued to their legs, even after you've praised them (for good God if they aren't the most wonderful, beautiful legs i've ever seen)?

we went on whim to see the new Hunger Games flick, and i was squeeing inside at how she suggested a later viewing so we'd have ample time to go trawl through shops - and she asked if we could visit the toy section. oh my God, i love toy sections!
we got strange looks at the stores, and we mused it was because of her androgynous clothing (she was THE MOST ADORABLE CUTE HUMAN BEING I HAVE EVER SEEN, she had a bowtie and suspenders, and those delicious jeans!), and once because i laughed gaily "jaetaanko ostoskori!?". apparently those girls have never heard of two people using one basket for convenience before. the look they gave us was akin to if i'd suggested a wild orgy at the back alley.

we shared a meal at Hesburger, i got most of the soda and fries because she wanted me to eat something, while she wolfed a hamburger and i loved her messy way of doing it, unabashed. we had two straws for the soda cup and she said it's convenient to sit across from each other and drink, and i laughed, i really laughed aloud joyfully if we're going to drink at the same time, le gasp! we laughed we should have taken a picture for Facebook, especially after i paid her with a lunch coupon and she said it's too much, to which i replied i'm enjoying myself so much the extra is like... prostitution money!
God, i love to laugh with her. that high-squealed "mitä!" and how her face crinkles up while her eyes light up and she opens her mouth in a silent D, and the jokes we throw around aren't even very mature (prostitution is from the classier end, haha). she's my kind of girl.

she's also my kind of girl because nerdy comics and superhero movies, we fawned over Michael Fassbender/Magneto and X-Men together and rooted for the trailer to be shown before Catching Fire, and dirty jokes and she digs her nose at the crafts table after asking if it's okay, and she so proudly showed us her glitter bra at summer, and she always listens and sympathises and actually feels sad for my past experiences again and again, and she gives affectionate little back scratches and makes meowing noises of sympathy and excitement, and she understands when i say it's not me that's being a bitch it's my disorder and i hate how i see it happen but can't control it, and she likes Lady Gaga and Britney Spears and DISNEY we always sing Disney songs everywhere it'd be embarrassing if it wasn't so much fun and amazing, and i can throw around stupid comments like "you stir that, bitch!" when she's stirring ketchup or "dat ass!" when we're talking about her arse being on the telly or "you have really beautiful legs", and she loves puns and double entendres (the discussions we had today about Meaty Sensations cat food and the lesbian undercurrent in A Whole New World were ah-mazing), and she has this beautiful unique kind of low voice that's spine-tingling when she sings A Whole New World and a calm way of speaking (unless she's defending her friends, in which case she's ferocious and curses fly) and we like so many of the same things people usually hate like lemon, and she sings along and dances to Spice Girls at the city centre just because it's playing in a pub we walk past and it's completely adorable and so much fun, and she has the same fucked-up day rhythm as i do ("Moth and i have this agreement that when we see each other on Facebook at four in the morning, we both ignore each other and pretend it didn't happen, wanna join our 'oh we were totally asleep!' club?"), she loves animals more than people, and the way she dances when she's jamming and singing any random song is so dorkily cute it kills me with her shoulders hunched and hands moving in rhythm fists closed eyes closed cuuuuute, i've understood she doesn't want kids, and she likes to talk Finglish!, and she "hates" stupid people, and she gets IT, and she and i both share that "i could crush you with words but i won't" kick-inducer, and and and... ohh, this list will go on forever but i need to go to sleep soon so i have to finish this. i haven't been able to sleep since last weekend so i'm in sore need of a good shut-eye.
there's so much to squee about i forget half of it anyway.
and i don't mean to sound all creepy and stalkerish; i just want to write down as much as i can in this state of excitement and joy, to remember these feelings and this day later when my mood flunks down again.

dig this, though: both our favourite song is Dance in the Dark, and I HAVE SEEN HER AT THE FIRST GAGA GIG AT KULTTUURITALO BACK IN 2009. i remember her. God, it's amazing. and i overtalked her into being my concert companion next time - she said it's too expensive and she doesn't want me to pay because she'd feel like a charity case, but i said i'm going to pay for a bored sister's ticket otherwise, so it'd be better if someone came along who actually enjoys the show and will dance and sing with me. if she wants to pay me back then she can do it at whatever rate is fine, a euro a month is good.
and we'll go see X-Men next summer! you know, the same movie series/universe i so looked forward to seeing with Sassenach and he never even said anything about it. he really deserves that nickname... except not, because it's Scottish so it's way above his level.

the movie was as fun as everything else: we sat with our heads together and had an on-going commentary about FEEEEEELS and everything. i could say a lot about the film, it was really quite good at least for a total HG layman like me, but i feel much better squeeing about how wonderful it all was.
one of my favourites was when Peeta or Katniss said "so how do we kill these people?" and i quipped, that's what i say on the bus every day! and she snorted with laughter and agreed.

she walked me to my bus because being around alone so late at night makes me anxious, and we hugged and i told her several times she is the best, she's so amazing, and she hoped my good mood wouldn't plummet back down as soon as i got home. i said it won't. i was so sure it wouldn't, i didn't even think of any options. and look at me here!
i think i'm glowing! but maybe that's my mega-long-lasting fever burning up, haha.

... if someone'd told me six months ago that today i'd be sitting here
-with a wonderful job where i'm appreciated even when i do nothing
-with a large number of new friends who accept my flaws and still cherish me so evidently even i have to believe it (!)
-trying to identify myself with a crush on the most amazing slip of a woman
-nursing a hopelessly astounding crush on a person who has quite a major mental illness history, when i always swore i'd never want anyone who's sick as well, i'm sick enough for me and my partner...!
... i'd have died of laughter. seriously. LOOK AT THIS LIST.

i remember, so crystal-clear, being in the interview and being told that some have developed even friendships there, and how i thought, "well, yea, sure, but i know it won't happen to me" (not bitterly or self-sabotagingly, just as a sort of already-known fact)...
and here i am in TEARS man i am IN TEARS because i have such amazing, lovely, kind, big-hearted, beautiful (both outside and inside) friends now, people who have major difficulties in life and still manage to shed forth love and warmth and unconditional companionship and to be a beacon of light and hope for me.

i read today, while i was bawling in front of the computer reading about how shitty borderline personality disorder is ("... this disease is going to kill me!" was the topmost thought in my frayed brain wires), a note that really hit the waterworks.
it said: admitting to have a biological imbalance isn't shameful. it's not a weakness, it's a STRENGTH. you have this shit and you STILL get up in the morning! YOU ARE A HERO. i admire you so much! you're amazing. you deserve a standing ovation.
and it was NOT sarcastic. it meant it.
we thought about printing it to hang it on the wall at work. i think many people would identify with my need to hear praises and be told i am good enough. (our boss said i have a dreadful need to go around asking people if they still like, do you still like me, how about now, do you like me, and it's embarrassingly true, but she said it so kindly and understandingly that i started crying again. she said it's my fear combined with past experience that makes me lose control.)

fear cannot win when there is hope.
the antidote to fear is love.


"you want the D~!"
damn right i do.

Hey, Lifesaver

We're going to a movie and food!


It's like a date except not at all.

But yay good movie and good food and the best company.

well, what the heck

i've always - and i do mean as long as i've lived - thought myself straight as a pole. not narrow by any means, but straight. i admire homosexuals, transpeople and everyone else in that "group" for their bravery, awesomeness and humanity, but i've always had my knees go weak at men.

if i ever feel such a passion as i did for A again, hospitalize me. the afterburn drains everything out of you. (a burn that drains... this clearly is the simile committing suicide that aoscar Wilde spoke of.)

but apparently i'm about as straight as an oval. a semicircle?

the terms questioning and queer fit me so well right now because i'm questioning everything, my foundation of (my!) life has been shaken quite thoroughly, and i feel queer to myself.

this girl (woman) is everything mental and emotional i liked about A and Sassenach in one adorable package.

too bad the only real difference this discovery makes is that now there are technically twice as many dateable people who'd never date me.

or... there is one good difference (maybe more, but i need to dig deeper before i analyze too much): i know i fall in love with a person, not their gender/sex. fall for what's in their brain and heart instead of underwear.

but good God, i could wolf down this anxiety and bundle of emotions and be less choked by it.

it starts with a jump to the left

i've somehow managed to grow this old without having seen Rocky Horror Picture Show. i remember seeing parts of it when i was young, but i didn't get it and Rocky scared me and i had to go to sleep anyway.

a few hours ago my new lovely friends took me to see an interactive screening - the audience (dressed in costumes, obviously) sang and danced along, shouted bad jokes at the characters, threw paraphernalia in the air... the snaps of rubber gloves resounding across the theatre was kind of mesmerising.
and the rumble of excitement when Tim Curry's character was about to make his/her entrance!

i've seen Tim Curry in a few of his recent roles, but he was GORGEOUS in RHPS. God, that attitude, how he oozed tacky, amazing hot mess entrancing sexiness. have an oyster, baby, it's an aphrodi-sy; act sleazy~

but yea. mostly i was once again moved by my funny friends, and we're planning on doing the Time Warp tomorrow after work at the club. with high heels and loose hips. and maybe glitter. we have a thing for glitter.

Laura said she'd realised we're her first real friends here in Helsinki, and we were all very moved. i can't say exactly the same, because i have had a few friends before (and maybe one or two are still around), but i felt empathy for her feelings because i've never felt as openly accepted before.
maybe it's me who's changed and not the kind of people i hang out with. either way, the situation right now is i feel accepted as i am - these girls understand when i clam up or get sad or whatever. at the theatre i said several times i feel anxious, and sat half the movie with my arms crossed (and once climbed on my seat to check the space behind us because a sound made me jump), and they didn't mind at all, they let it be after saying they're sorry i feel bad. and when i got over it, it was as if that had been the way the entire time.

we've talked about being each others' support network a lot recently. that's what makes life meaningful; that you can lean on someone and someone can lean on you and you help each other move forward. and it's a big deal that the girls acknowledge that each of us has difficult days and bad behaviour patterns, and that they're okay as long as one isn't being a complete arse and telling everyone to fuck off.
it's okay if someone doesn't come to work because the anxiety got too bad this morning.
it's okay if someone has a wild day, all over the place.
it's okay if someone gets testy and snappish.
it's okay if someone clams up and sits in a corner quietly.

it's okay because we have each others' back(s).
it's okay because we've learnt to make everything a tiny bit better just by hugging each other tightly.
it's okay because when someone's not there, others send messages asking where they are and if everything's okay.
it's okay because a tiny friendly back-scratch and a sympathetic smile mean a lot - they say i know you don't feel like being social right now, but when you want to, you know where to find me and that i will make room for you there.

it's okay because it's okay, really, and that means the world some days.

it's okay because i may not ALWAYS like EVERYTHING they say or do, but i love them so fucking much anyway. ("mä ei-seksuaalisesti rakastan teitä.")

and you really need friends with whom you can sing Disney songs at eleven p.m. at the Central Railway Station. sober.
Iina and i walked hand in hand and i realised i don't even remember the last time i've done that. just walk, no agenda. just to feel close and included.

they are glitter comets and multicolour galaxies in my starry night-sky.

I'm not ready to make nice

We were talking about bullies today, because the topic's been current and relevant in recent days.
Laura was telling us how she'd run into her old bullies and how one of them had expressed deep anguish and remorse over their past actions and had said she's felt really bad about it for a long time.
At this point our amazing boss said approvingly, "kiva!"

This happened again half a minute later; "kiva."

It made me feel good. And obviously we laughed because it was amazing. But i smiled on the inside as well.

Laura said she's forgiven everyone a long time ago, and i admire her maturity and capacity to forgive, but i find i tend to cling to Rhett Butler's words; that his darling Scarlett is so naive to think that years of torment and cruelty can be erased with a nonchalant "sorry".
Maybe better people manage to get by with those five letters, but like Liisa and i laughed today, maybe we aren't that grown up just yet.

Or maybe we are and cruelty just goes against our grain? Saying sorry doesn't wipe away the hell the victims go through.
It's akin to being shot with an AK-47 and then being told, "oh, sorry you were such a great target. Here, have a bandaid."

Or maybe it's not. I'm just bitter and resentful. (but it really doesn't seem fair that the one saying sorry feels absolved of all sin, while the one not forgiving still carries the weight and blame on their shoulders. "so why not just forgive?" because it isn't always that simple. And there are legitimate reasons not to want to forgive.)

But i am incredibly lucky, blessed and grateful for all these lovely people that have popped up in my social life these past few months. I ain't never had a friend like these~
(bilingual Disney karaoke is a sure-fire way to my good book.)

Perhaps this is my thanks for having survived. So far.

Thank you for my wonderful guppies. <3

they say time heals everything
but i'm still waiting

when you love me down

On thursday i had not just one but many enlightening moments.

The first, and one of the loveliest of my entire life, featured Danuka taking the lead (i was too scared and embarrassed) in taking up a subject with our boss, coming with me to talk about it, and sitting on the sofa next to me the entire hour, arm in arm with me and occasionally pressing her head comfortingly on my shoulder nook.
WHO DOES THAT? I was moved to tears. I told them i've never had a friend who'd do this to me, for me, and Danuka said that's really sad, i'm making her cry. I sat there, nearly completely frozen, tears in my eyes and throat, and i felt electrified inside because someone cared about me that much.

During the summer, in the writing group, one of my "kunpa..." list's items was to have a Disney friend or two.
I think my wish came true.
I have people who take my side in a fight, stand up for me, keep me afloat - people who accept me with all my flaws and mistakes and still cherish me. I feel loved.
I'm doing my utmost to return the feeling, because everyone deserves to feel this way and these people more than anyone "normal".

The second enlightening moment came in that same discussion: we talked about how one bad incident creates trauma, and that posttraumatic stress colours all similar incidents bad because of it. I understand perfectly: my deathly phobia of spiders, my sickening wind anxiety, my tear-inducing fright of dogs. They've all come from a single bad incident, and thus almost all future incidents with the same cause of fear only add to it.
Kauko is helping me with my dog issues, though. Bless his tiny brain and big heart.
But what came up in that discussion was that i've never realised how one bad person from my past has coloured all my interaction with people in present day, too. One bad person has made me believe every mistake of mine, every minor misunderstanding and slight miscommunication, is grave and fatal and completely because of my shittiness. That when someone is cross with me, it's always because of me and that i should go away for ever.

We discussed this with the girls later; isn't it amazing how one person leaves such deep scars behind, how they screw you up so bad that years can't erase their effect? What power that person has had, and has still!

And now that there are people who want to see me, want to spend time with me, ask me where i am when i'm not there, want to help me, come to hug me and say they're on the verge of tearsbecause someone has been mean to me, want to carry me when my legs fail... I'm completely blown away, constantly surprised, still, after all these weeks. Even though i heartily acknowledge their golden oversized hearts and praise them readily to the world at large (or my Facebook network, at least), it still leaves me baffled and overcome with emotion.
These are people to whom i could perhaps tell of 2007...! (but i don't want to, because it will hurt them and i can't stand that.)

The scars a petty teenage girl can leave in her wake... Ugh.
But perhaps there is balm in Gilead after all. Or at work, at least.

And the way they say i'm about the farthest they can imagine from a mean person! Right after we've talked about how pain makes us petty and vindictive and selfish.
Perhaps like begets like - literally, in this case. Or is that ambiguously? Love me and i will love you back, guaranteed. I have so many emotions i can just mirror your emotions towards me. Disliking me will result in mutual disrespect. And i do feel warm affection for everyone who seeks my company for fun and affection, likewise.
Of course there are a few exceptions. There are a few people, counted on one hand's digits, who are indifferent towards me and whom i'd gladly send to Hell. But they are few and far in between. Thankfully. My mental torture chamber doesn't have many rooms. "pain makes me vindictive."
Not that i'd ever have the guts or the amorale to do anything like that in real life - believing in a Universal balance account of karma keeps me pseudomoral - but there are nights my own Criminal Minds imagination calms my aggravated heart.
I like to say i'd never touch these people with a long stick, but that i'd toast to their misery and pain.
Like Mr Darcy, once my good opinion is lost, it's lost for ever.

But to get back to happier thoughts: i'm twenty-four and i finally have friends i know i can count on, even despite their own problems. It makes me so, so, so grateful and i want to shout out to the whole wide world how wonderful these society's outcasts and rejects are. How big their hearts, how strong their inner fire.
(i just remembered what happened the last time i praised Danuka in public, to a mutual friend no less: she crawled UNDER OUR FOOD DISH TABLE in utter embarrassement while Moth and i looked at her, amused and confused. I remembered how my voice trailed off in confusion, and none of us knew whether or not to laugh. She was so adorable. Aww.)

A few weeks ago i posted on Facebook a video from the second half of Mulan, the scene where she's about to break in to the palace to save the emperor, and her fellow soldiers appear in amazing geisha drag, and cue inspirational music~
i posted it because the feeling you get from that is what i get from my friends: they're willing to help, even in unconventional ways. They're THERE. In thick and thin.
They'll dress in a straw skirt and dance the hula for hyenas if that's what the situation calls for.

... I've spent a mass of words here and i still can't put into words what it's like not to feel lonely, alone. The unshakeable knowledge that when i need it, they'll be there on the barricades in full armour, war paint on their cheeks and desire for blood in their mouths, furiously brandishing their frying pans and dinglehoppers, a crescendo of roar rumbling out from their throats - even if i'm lying in bed, unable to get up to fight my own battle.
I hope they know i'd do all the same for them. My sword is sharpened and i'm fiercely ready to protect these precious people from anything and everything.

I always said friendship is about what Sam says to Frodo, "i can't carry it for you, but i can carry you."

I will never, ever, ever forget the feeling of sitting on the sofa with someone right there, holding my hand, knowing i feel bad and screwed-up and lost at sea, stroking my arm. Being there.
Because that's what it's really about. Not the big words, nor even actions, you don't have to know the "right words"... Just be there. It really, really makes a world of difference and they will never forget how you made them feel.

Do you know how much a tight-squeezing, quiet two-minute hug helps?

"Mä en osaa sanoa mitään fiksua, mut mä osaan halata."
I love these people.
he'll go back to her
and i'll go back to black
Work started again today. I was so excited last night that i only got an hour of sleep. It felt like the first day of school in a place and with people that you're familiar with. Of course there were some new people today, but i knew most of the people there and thus i had no reason to feel nervous or shy or flustered. I wasn't flying solo like at the beginning of summer.

It was interesting how excitedly everyone greeted each other and asked to be brought up to date; as if we'd been gone for a year instead of a month, as if we had spent the summer apart between school years when we actually huddled together all summer and cried when it was time to go on leave. (i thought it was silly to cry since we'd almost all be coming back in four weeks, but then i was told with tearful eyes how moving my response to the question "what will you take with you from this summer?" was and i started tearing up too. That's how much i love that place and the people there.)

And it's always a good sign when the boss says that if you're sick or hungover, have a meeting somewhere, OR JUST FEEL TOO SAD TO COME, just send a text and it's okay.
At first i went "oh, FUCK" because to me that's like saying oh, feel free to skip over half of the days. They say it's okay, and i actually know it's okay, but the fact that this is an official intership and you get official certificates and stuff at the end of this makes me feel like it shouldn't be okay. (we had an interesting discussion about authority figures a few weeks ago. Especially the ones that you don't automatically recognise as authority figures, like... KELA was one for me.)
But then i figured that i probably won't be skipping any days, because this is a place i actually look forward to coming, these are people i cherish being with.

How can i ever describe how wonderful it is to be surrounded by people who actually talk to you, not only talk to you but enjoy doing so?
Liisa always saves me a seat next to her and is loud about it, i am greeted with enthusiasm and listened to with attention, i get drawn into cliques and am a wanted member of them... And the fact that these people say nice things about me, not because they want something from me or feel guilty about something like, say, neglecting me or whatever - they say nice things because they sincerely feel that way about whatever they said.
The first time i wore a summer dress to work and five different people squee'd at it and exclaimed i was so cute!, i honestly thought they were fucking me over.
I'm not writing this to be all yay i am teh great, i'm trying to put into words how amazing and lovely these people are.

Before i went in today, i dug out the dog biscuits to be ready. When i went in, Kauko came all guard-dog like at me, saw me and the biscuit box i held out for him, and he skidded to a halt and went quiet. I gave him a biscuit for being so wonderful. He then proceeded to follow me around half the day again, my lovely handsome stalker.
Then he sat in my lap for a while. It always ends up with his trying to bury his nose into my crotch, though, so it's good he gets otherwise occupied before that happens. I'm like, i like you too, i like you so much - but not this much.
But he gave me kisses and LET ME HUG HIM LIKE FIVE TIMES TODAY. Before the break he always got anxious when i hugged him, and today he was all cool about it and even kissed me at the same time.

Laura'd tried to fix me up with a real man, too. She praised him highly; she says he's sweet, smart, pretty good-looking, kind, sensitive, attentive, animal-loving - "and he gives lots of gifts." (i quote Laura!) and she said she's shown him my pictures and apparently he'd said i am a picture-perfect ideal woman of his (kind of worrying, see as all my pictures are even more fucked-up than i am animated). He said i was a goddess, which honestly makes me laugh in a really embarrassed way because for fuck's sake i know i'm nothing like that... But it kind of tickles you pink at the same time. Laura'd finished selling me to him by saying i have three cats, and she'd got back the reply "SOLD!"
I'm not really all that much into this whole business for reasons stated beneath, but it was cute to hear that and i really appreciate Laura's efforts and her constant support and help regarding my disasterous love life. She's listened to me whining about the same old things about sassy gazelle all summer - i had a rant today again after last night's upset tears (i keep making this really silly, cartoony face when i'm about to cry. I literally look like x{ ) and she listened and kept telling me how it's not my fault.

But how come i'm left behind, if there's no fault in me?

And the first thing that crossed my mind when Laura started coyly telling me about how she's been helping me behind my back was that she's put a word on up Above (her relationship with God is kind of amazing so i asked to put a good word in for me; i have my hotline rosary,but it just makes me crack up every time i look at it). Then she told me about her friend and i tried to be open to it but i could feel the clam closing up inside me. She did ask me if i'm still hung up about Sassenach and i moaned about it for a moment and how i hate myself. I also mentioned A, in a really vague way, because it still bothers me a lot and i don't know if i CAN get any more over it before a lot more time has passed and i forget, and because saturday marks the first year and i intend to make it there. And beyond.
Sometimes i get sad or whimsical or nostalgic or blue, and i do miss those feelings, all those senses (how sharply can a grey October afternoon imprint on your mind?!) a lot - but i will never ever ever miss him again.

But my work is wonderful and my coworkers such darlings i couldn't wish for better people, so every day i get seven hours away from feeling bad about Sassenach (and the others).

We were asked today which superhero or what kind of superhero one would like to be, and i said i have to go with the little mermaid, and about half the room made that amused throat sound and smiled at me.
Maybe one day i'll gain my feet two. (bad typo pun intended.)

Up on the shore we work all day
Out in the sun we "slave" away
Nightly devoting
Full-time to drowning
Under the Sea

Hei, kuule, Victor Frankenstein

"i keep facebook open for hours every day just because there's that little green dot next to your name. And when it goes away i leave too, but i come back soon, just to know you're still there. I wish i knew what to say, that i could say something that would wipe away your scars and sorrows and make you coloured again, witty and striking and vivacious, and that bubbly laughter... I miss your snorts of amusement. I miss you.
But i don't know what the hell to say."

I think i have a tapeworm. It's okay, though. I like the emerging bones.

There was a game ad before they played The Berlin File, and it ended with a quote about how courage is not about having the strength to go on; it's about going on when you have no strength.

It was a fuckawesome movie, by the way. Of course our private box and the wonderful company and on-going commentary - mostly consisting of different tones of "voi vittu...!" - made it better, but i quite enjoyed it. North Korean James Bond. I was so proud to know about the politics and the place names and all.
Having cried by the computer for an hour before the movie, listening Kolmas pyörä on repeat and thinking "... Normal people don't listen to suicidal songs when they're going to go to the railway station soon. ... Normal people don't think about that stuff. ... Remember that time you ate at Pizza Hut and talked about jumping under trains for half an hour? Wasn't it fun! Don't you miss it like hell? ... Normal people, normal people...", the scene near the end, on the field in emerging daylight, made me cry really cruelly. I slumped down on my seat, pushed my feet against the balcony wall and bit down.
Just thinking of it makes me break down again. Oh, God.

Kolmas pyörä, pyöri pois
Ett' hän viel parantua vois
Ja me juostaisiin paljain jaloin
Pelloilla sua kissankelloilla kutittaisin
Jos vain saisin
Mä palaisin aikoihin onnellisiin
I am having the war of a lifetime.

Flesh isn't willing, and my mind is weak.

How do you get over something (well, several things) that you bottle up inside?

And it's partly because you're an arse, and partly because the right kind of friends to talk with are never there at the right time or there's something off and it just doesn't feel right, and partly just because it's so hard to talk about such deep private emotional turmoil.

Isn't that a wonderful logic? You want to talk but you don't want to talk.

And then you spend days fantasizing about bb Benjy with a little scream-shout rage revenge thrown in, and nights trying to boost a flailing sense of self-worth with Katy Perry and Kelly Clarkson - oh, Chivas, i wish you worked.

I know this is a spurt of mental growth, and i probably will be glad about this later on, but right now i feel like i'm standing at the foot of Arthur's Seat, looking up, not wanting to go because it'll be windy and my legs will feel like falling off and i'll get acrophobic, "can i not just go round it?"
It'll probably feel jubilant at the top, but i don't want to, i don't want to, i don't want to go up the craigs alone.


frailty, thy name is woman.


Hit the road, Jack

The Universe is flipping me off big time. I'm sure this is another valuable learn-a-lesson period in my life, but it hurts. It stings, it makes my throat swell shut with tears i try to swallow down instead of sobbing into my soaked duvet.

And some of the things are so small, so flippant in themselves, but when they pile up together, i drown in them.
You always think you know that life is cruel, and the a year later you realise you had no idea until NOW. repeat ad nauseam. Kind of like how you always think you're so smart and know everything, and then a year later you realise you were a complete arse in so many ways.

I suppose i ought to blame soaking up Disney mentality as a kid for this heartache.

I used to think it's not too much to ask for a little deserved attention, so to speak, in times of need. But then you grow up to realise that

-one single person bothered to congratulate you on your birthday (they sang to me at work because i'd stressed out about the day for two weeks, and i burst into tears because they seemed so sincerely felicitacious on my behalf)

-no one gives a fuck when your pet dies (OK, it wasn't a cat or dog or some such you can cuddle up with, but i loved her and i still get upset about her death)

-the same with how the only person who accepted you JUST AS YOU ARE died a horrible death and you never get to tallk to anyone about anything relating to him at all, not even the nice things (i remember trying to tell Tiia a few months after it happened, and she went "oh. Well." and started talking about something completely else - i remember feeling floored because i honestly thought people ought to care about such things)

-you remain in angry disbelief over how a rape report is dismissed as "highly unlikely to have taken place with you" (...)

-you have a statistically terminal, life-debilitatting disease and apparently it's okay to make fun of your appearance and shrug it off with "take more meds, duh." (and how about all those times people poked you for "not exercising enough"? I did the same amount as everyone else, but for a diabetic it's not enough. And good glucose balance does something to the body's fat-burning methods with diabetics, so in an exaggerated way you kind of have to choose between being slim and having good balance. Oh and what about the fact that type 1 diabetics actually often develope hi blood glucose from exercising, which is quite unhoped for. You need to find a balance between exercising enough to stay healthy, and not exercising too much so as not to worsen your illness, which in turn makes your health plummet. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD ALL OF THAT IS? With a bum knee and decrepit social skills. And then you get made fun of, publically laughed at and demeaned. You wouldn't do that to someone with cancer, would you? So why is (a type 1) diabetes different? With modern health care they stand about equal in terms of illness-related mortality rates, if not so that cancer actually kills less people because of early detection and great medicinal care. WHY IS IT DIFFERENT? Why is it my fault i have a disease that shorten my life by over thirty years, whether or not i take good care of it?)

-apparently it's not okay to have had bad exeperience with someone if a friend of yours is friends with them. "oh but they're so nice and funny! Don't you think you're making a way too big of a deal about your experience?"
By all means, be friends with them. I think it's great and i don't want to take that away from you, friends are always needed and a good thing to have. But PLEASE don't dismiss my tiny hell because of that. Please don't make it seems like all the hurt and emotional scars don't matter at all. Please don't condone victim-blaming or any of its side-effects.

It's petty, i know. Incredibly petty. But it makes me spend my nights crying my loneliness into salty water.

And i'm not saying anyone should have all the right words ready or know exactly what to do in any of the aforementioned instances. Fuck me, i never know what to say at all. I deal out awkward hugs and stupid cheering-up commentary.
The point is to be there. In any form. You don't have to come up with the greatest birthday congratulation ever, it's enough that you bother to care about it enough to say something. You don't have to know what to say when facing deep-cutting losses, it's enough that the loser knows you're there, even just for an awkward hug. Saying "i'm sorry for your loss" doesn't take much out of your day, does it? But apparently there are limitations regarding how much you care about the loser.
(i use the term loser aware of its connotation.)
I could also write a few paragraphs about how one needs to deserve their friends' kindness, i assume, and how i don't because fuck, but i think everything i could say is already in here in other words.

It gets so bad that there are brief moments where i wish i could talk about all this with A. Then i remember i don't even have him anymore.

I started crying last night when i remembered i can't cut until late December from now on. I don't know how to keep this in any sort of control without any release form.

i fly like stones
as i break every bone
you got me

(like my Facebook profile has said for yeeears now, because it never stops being true;

The wounded forms appear:
The loss, the full extent;
And simple kindness here,
The solitude of strength.)
I should by now know better than to Wikipedia serious things at wee hours.

The centre of Edinburgh is built on and around not one but TWO fucking "supposedly extinct" volcanoes. (Wikipedia has a grand photo of a "supposedly extinct" volcano in Alaska erupting quite magnificently.)
I've traipsed on one of them on several days! Our hotel was across the street from both of them!
They built their Royal Mile between them and the two main castles/palaces ON THEM.

You'd have to be mad to do that.
Or Scottish, but the two are practically synonyms anyway.

I'll have nightmares about fiery molten-stone deaths for the next five weeks.

Scots wha hae!

I LIKE the Finnish national anthem. There's a sense of swelling pride as the song moves to the oomph stratosphere.

But I just got tear-eyed and chokingly homesick as I read the lyrics of Scotland the Brave.

And, well, how could my heart NOT feel at home there where Harry Potter and Sherlock Holmes (not to mention Hamish Macbeth!) were first born.

I had to leave climbing up the volcano off the agenda for lack of time (and my poor legs, whom I haven't been able to practise because of the still-smarting coccyx), but I guess the rest of it makes up for it.
I get to go see pandas, da Vinci's Mechanics of Man sketches and the royal palace (which is conveniently right at the foot of the volcano, so I can at leat go frolic near it), the Highlands where my heart rests and the air is pure, a monastery a thousand years old, the old vaults on top of which the old city was built (I had to email them to ask about the tour being too scary for me, but they said there won't be any ghost stories told), dear old Bobby's grave, the statue of Sherlock Holmes...
I think my heart may be so in awe and full of squee I won't even need to climb up a steep volcano side to make it beat irregularly.

I have this growing urge to land there and stamp my feet wide apart and throw my arms in the air and yell I AM HOME YE AMAZING LAND O' THE SILVER RIVERS.

Oh and I get to go Nessie-spotting again! Third time's definitely the charm. If they can find a massive eel in there...!

I pack more into my life in a week there than the rest of the year here - even with a fulsome job.

Land of my high endeavour
Land of the silver river
Land of my heart forever
Scotland the Brave

My head today

'cause it pays to be a slut
hear the bass, skinny waist
now let's copy Poker Face

Life should be stereo each day

I take back all my late-winter moaning about my fractured wrist.

I broke my fucking coccyx. On my fucking birthday.


It means i'm in constant pain, can't sit, can't walk, can't get up from the sofa without stinging pain at the end of my spine, and God forbid i cough or sneeze.
I just sneezed out of the blue and i could feel all colour draining off my face.

I survived yesterday with a prescription-strength pain killer, but i was still told constantly thati was white as a sheet.

Admittedly my pain threshold is quite low, but HOLY FUCK. At least the wrist only hurt at first and when i bent it. How do you avoid causing pain to a body part that can't even really move and thus can't be kept still or straight like a limb?

At least i got my veggie burger with the crumbly patty. I even stuck my Disney Princess birthday candles on it, because i didn't have a cake. It made a great picture.

All my life i've taken my coccyx only as an interesting part of human evolution, so perhaps this is payback.
I comfort myself with a potluck of sweet potato and chicken wrapped in bacon with seasoning, and a 1063-page collection of Nabokov's finest short stories (currently on page 31).
And the fact that my father's dropping by later to bring me pain killer supplies.
My new eyebrows also amuse me, now that i've stopped mistaking them for tiny caterpillars on my face when glimpsing in the mirror.

If you can't wake up in the morning
'cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you're lost, hurt, tired, or lonely
Can't control it, try as you might
May you find that love that won't leave you
May you find it by the end of the day
You won't be lost, hurt, tired and lonely
Something will beautiful will come your way

Death of The Author

A long, long time ago i wrote into my journal (inspired by a post on embodiment, if i recall correctly),

"my journal is a book about you."

A few nights ago i scribbled in, "my journal is not a book about you, it's a bookk about getting over you."

July of '89
my birthday's comin'
and if i had one wish
then you'd be mine

"i regret this decision immediately."

i just Googled childbirth images.


if that's the only way to be a woman, then i'm very happy being a non-woman.

it was like a sick, sick train wreck. i kept grimacing and going "oh, GOD...!" in a non-sarcastic oh-the-horror manner, and yet i kept scrolling.

15% of women suffer life-long, life-altering trauma or injuries during childbirth (so imagine if you have, say, four kids... i sucked at statistics in Math SL but i'm pretty sure the odds are against you), and way over half of menopause-related bodily alterations are caused by earlier birthings.

i'm sure most women find having a child is worth a life-long colostomy bag usage or being unable to urinate without stinging pain or never having good sex again or developing an infection and hernias and various other icky malfunctions, not to mention everything a child does and causes when it's growing up (also see: We Need to Talk About Kevin), but i beg to back out of this.

i'm sure the gene pool of the world can manage to degenerate with worrying rate even without my contribution.

i'm equally sure i can find plenty of other interesting ways to fuck my own body up, so it's a win-win situation.

but i do wish i'd consider my actions a little longer before acting on them. thank God i went for images before videos.

my new dosage is making me ditzy.

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