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love scars

people keep touching my left arm a lot when they're being affectionate.

I don't mind, not most of the time, because the touches are light and well-meaning, but I find it funny in a slightly weird manner. I don't mean that people think "oh I'll touch her in THAT place" at all, but I'm pretty sure all these people are aware of my little habit.

my favourite instructor made me sit on her lap some weeks ago and hugged me, and places one of her hands on my left arm. I let it be - I only fretted about being too heavy and too old, and then too emotional. hers was a light, soft, protective touch.

or the other day when my world came crashing down and I had to call a friend to pick me up or I'd die, she petted me on my arms a lot. the same thing as above: a soft caress never did me any (physical) harm.

and once, many many weeks ago, my shitty "friend" (who was my fiend at the time, though) suddenly grabbed my left arm to say something empathetic to me, but it hurt and I winced and tore my hand free and she got all condescending on me, "what have you DONE?"
ugh.

maybe her reaction is the reason I'm so aware of people touching my arm a lot when they touch me. I even hug people with my left hand in main position sometimes.
I know it's a disgusting, bad thing to do but I've chosen to do it anyway - I don't need any more judgment from anyone. my body, my
rules.

like every criticising comment aimed at me, that one made me very self-aware of the part of me in question.

I've come a long way from the spiteful days of DON'T TOUCH ME, though.


I don't know why this is such a big deal. maybe I miss it more than I thought - today will mark four weeks without what used to be a daily habit.
I await tomorrow; things are shitty even if I don't do it, so I might as well.

I keep fucking things up anyway.

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