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no cleaning for us.

depression strikes again.

i managed to make it all about me, of course. i cried for hours. until i remembered how she said to me back in November how she hopes i won't be disappointed in her when her going inevitably falls into a slump, and how vehemently i swore i'd carry her like she's carried me.
recalling that - i actually wrote it here, at the end of November - put everything into proper perspective and i stopped feeling sorry for myself and disappointed in her. now i'm just sad for her.

i thought she felt alright yesterday, in the evening. we laughed and she sangand we had fun and she was prodding me in an amused way to make sure i wake up early enough today.
i wish she'd have come here, if i might have the power to dispel her blah-ness for a while. she really wanted to feed Viljami.
but i guess the hard part was getting out of bed, dressed and out. (notice how curiously enough i don't think of myself as the hard part.)

but maybe it was for the best right now that we spent today apart. her feeling wasn't too good, and after our 90-minute porn talk yesterday i would perhaps have said things that would have made our relationship awkward. (not that i didn't already do it by posting my cover photo on Facebook - mentioning self-injury and love and that i was hurt was probably a bad move from me but i can't undo it anymore. and i hope she'll see that even though i still have feelings for her, i've acted way better than before.)

i just feel so impatient, like some sort of time is running out for me. like this is a bad, irregular thing and that our normal relatioinship was closer than ever. in some ways it is, and this week has been great for our friendship from my point of view at least, but it's only been two months since the intervention and i shouldn't expect everything to be patched up by now. but i do expect!
and this was the third weekend we've planned that's been cancelled.

i guess it's an improvement that this time she actually meant to come over.

i'm sad but it'll pass. i just got upset over the "lost time" and my disappointment from eagerly awaiting a lovely weekend with her. and because i feel bad for her.

but she actually said "mä oon pahoillani", which i'm not sure if i've ever heard from her before. i think it's really hard for her to admit she "screwed up" - which she didn't, not really, she's just really unwell and i totally understand that.

and we will do fun things together and spend time together like we've talked, we're going to go to Myllypuro for a weekend of One Direction blu-rays and everything and she'll come feed snakes and pet kitties and we have our Korkeasaari trip soon and she said we'll go see Cap 2 next week (i told her we need seats from the row with bigger leg area so i can writhe around in my seat better) and i'm still determined to sell the Scotland trip to her.
and there are plenty of good "signs" about, too, so i must hold on to them and not sink into self-created darkness. she needs me, she needs me to be strong for her.

and i will carry her over fire and water for her love
and i will hold her closer, hope her heart is strong enough
we will find our way through the dark. together.

because she's carried me so many times i've lost count. she's not heavy, she's my friend.

my love must be stronger, bigger, brighter than her illness. i will cast it aside by any means necessary. AS SOON AS SHE LETS HER GUARD DOWN SO PEOPLE CAN COME CLOSE AND HELP.
i'll break down the walls, dammit.

last night when she played the piano and sang (about one-sided and/or shy loves...), i lay on the floor in the corridoor adjacent to hers and cried because angels can't sound better than she did.

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