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'cause that's where i belong

Monday was really, really bad.
i could write a lot but i want to focus on good things and my meds are making me tired and unfocused.
but anyway, my crush and i and our friend were hanging out after work at an art supply store, and i wandered off to look at their plentiful supply of knives and blades while they were busy looking for new colour pencils. just as i was about to leave the sharp loves and go see if they were ready, my crush vame up behind me and snapped, "miks sä katot veitsiä?! IHAN OIKEESTI...!" her low voice made it sound twice as bad.
i twirled around a little, not knowing what to say or how to feel, and then just made my way towards our friend while my crush followed in a huff.
later that night at home we had a three-hour WhatsApp chat during which she called me off for looking at blades while in company of friends, that that's the last thing you do with friends, that i complain about knives lying around at work as triggering and then go straight to the knife section myself. i snapped back that if i'd wanted attention i'd have bought the damn surgical knife. her anger was, apart from worry which also comes out as anger in her, caused by a miscommunication between us, and she mellowed out after we straightened it out. she said she was sad for me, because i have a contradiction in my head that hurts me.
we talked about my hopelessness and when i asked if she think it's better that i stayed alive in January she replied with an emphasized "on."

on Tuesday morning i sent her a message about how i woke up at six because of my own anxiety and how i'd cried my eyes out at some point during the night (of which i have no memory, i was all drugged up at that point and just comatosed for six hours), and then pondered why i'd felt the need to tell her that. "on vaikea olla kun ei oo mitään syytä olla."
i worried she'd be cranky as usual - talking to her before she's had coffee is potentially self-destructive - but she replied with "kaikki syyt olla."
i love the periods. she rarely uses them so when she does, you know she's really serious.

i had an out-patient clinic meeting with my favourite instructor coming along to help me tell my nurse how much worse i'm doing than she thinks (and i hated every minute of it, i hated hated hated it, but my crush has been harping on me for months to do it and i want to get better for her sake if not my own, so i went along with it). before getting there i messaged her pondering if she'd like to come over during the weekend to help me clean, just to keep me company and maybe paint her nails or whatever. i added i feel it's a stupid question but that maybe it's because of my general state of being so i won't apologise. i heard my phone beep a response but i didn't dare look at it. the fear of rejection is strong in this one.
when i got to work she came to me for a tight hug and asked me how it went, and i moaned "kamalaa! piti taas puhua siitä isosta keskustelusta." and she said aww and hugged some more.
and she was happy for me when i told her i've finally told the truth to my nurse and that Anis can vouch for me, and at that point Anis came to us all enthusiastically and said yes, yes she can! my crush said that's really good.
i then braved to look at her response on my phone, whilst she sat next to me, and her saying yeah she'll come made me really happy. i sent her a squeeful response even though she sat next to me, and when she saw it she smiled to me, "ihan pöhkö viesti!"
we also had a really amazing, laughter-filled discussion about painting with one's genitals. she desgined a whole art course around the idea and we all roared with laughter.

in the afternoon i thought i was going home so i went to hug her (lol, we have "aamuhali!" and "kotiinlähtöhali!") and thanked her for asking about my appointment, it was nice that someone cares, and also thank you for yesterday (for sticking by me when i wanted to go kill myself and when i made her really upset by accident). i mumbled these into her shoulder and she nodded her response to mine. and she added we'll see tomorrow and on the internet tonight, and she kind of laughed in a good way at that.
i hung out with the remaining people a bit more and moaned about wanting to buy an ice cream but not having any money, and my crush piped up that she can buy me an ice cream. i looked at her with raised eyebrows and hopeful eyes and asked if she's serious, and she said yeah. (on Monday she bought me a hot chocolate after watching me wallow in my misery for half an hour, and brought it back with whipped cream, and when she hugged me i almost burst into tears. she's broke as hell, too, and she bought me hot chocolate after complaining i'm not fun to hang out with because i just sit there silently with my sunglasses on. i felt loved. and hot chocolate has always been my mental health improvement drink.) i was excited about the ice cream, but on a subconscious level also about the fact that i didn't have to go home alone and could instead hang out with her!
we ended up hanging out at the workshop and then idling along on our twosome to the nearest shopping centre, where we wound up at Tarjoustalo.
she was looking for garden tools and a saw and everything, so we browsed the shelves containing tools. or, she browsed and i followed her like a puppy, not even focusing on the shelves but her. i glimpsed a big carpet knife briefly but it didn't really register in my mind, apart from my recognizing it because my own knives are the same but smaller, but then suddenly my crush kind of snapped out of a trance to brisk attention and said woth soft edge to her beautiful voice, "mennään pois, tässä on veitsiä." i stumbled after her and saw her look back at me with kind concern to see that i'm okay, but i was so moved, SO MOVED i couldn't even look at her. my entire stomach did a somersault and my eyes were burning a bit and i kept my gaze on the low shelf i was passing.
i am so fucking addicted to being cared about. so fucking addicted, seriously.
she bought the most epic jeans ever from Seppälä kids' section, they're lilac pink! when she came out of the fitting room i couldn't even look at her upper body anymore (and i do love looking at it), her lower body was so en pointe with the skinny jeans licking her gorgeous legs and the bright colour just drew my gaze to it even though i tried to look at her face for even just a second (because it's one thing that she's okay with my crush on her, i don't think she'd like me to drool her divine legs at a clothes store). i told her she HAS to buy them, and then asked her not to leave me alone for too long because i'd already found three nail polishes to buy. she laughed and said she's sorry. i made her buy another pair of jeans as well.
goddammit those legs...! ugh.
if i could get an accurate marble or wax statue of her i'd never leave my room again.
i bought her a nail polish she wanted to repay for the hot chocolate and she got all thankful and i was baffled and felt good.
we went to eat at Chico's even though it meant she'd be late for her shopping date, and we had fun and she said i'm pretty cute. and she laughed when i laughed at her stupid April Fool's, "tää ei oo pöytä!" as she stuck her finger on the table. "haha, nauroit!"
and when i praised her, several times throughout the day about several different things, she always seemed really touched and said thank you in a moved voice.
i would date the fuck out of her. why is she so cute and so unattainable?! Universe, you test me truly.

we didn't see yesterday, but on the bus there was a woman whose profile was just like hers was from my favourite hair phase of hers (we've dubbed it "mäyräkoiratukka" but it was gorgeous and she was sexy as fuckkk with it - not that she isn't now...), so i stared without shame through my sunglasses.
//sunglasses, ah, cover up my green eyes...//

today when i attacked her with a demand for morning hug, she held me tight and said i have nice perfume. she said the same last Friday when we were hugging and i was crying about my bunny and the fact that she was comforting me, "sä haiset hyvälle."
i love that we have discussions while we're hugging. i love that she gives me long, tight hugs and sways along as i do and pets my back like i do, and puts her face/chin on my shoulder like i burrow my cheek to hers. even this afternoon when she was in a really bad hurry to leave, i ran to her and she let me hug her.
and she wore her pink jeans - "PINKIT FARKUT!" i shouted when i noticed them - and a Jaws shirt and ghetto hoop earrings with latina-style slicked-back hair and she'd painted her nails with the polish i bought and made them The Winter Soldier -styled. i wish i'd got a photo of her but she rushed off before i could ask. she would have let me, though. i love that. i love that she lets me take photos even though she knows how much i adore her.
and we had good discussions today, particularly about Captain America, which i spent all evening yesterday with and which we fawned over on Facebook (i had over thirty notifications in total from her, lol), and i enthused about her coming over on Saturday and her face got all deviously amused, "muistatsä mitä viimeks tapahtu? mä laitan sut oikeesti siivoamaan sit!", and we'll go see The Winter Soldier tomorrow probably and we'll go have a VIP tour at Korkeasaari in a few weeks and ohhh...

i just wrote a post on tumblr about how i still feel hopeless after Monday but this text implies otherwise. maybe it's in a state of fluctuation right now.

this afternoon our boss was musing what to make the remaining little posse of us do, and then she said cheerfully, "pelastetaan maailma!"
it ended up meaning that i glued some clippings on cardboard before sliding over to my crush's side to colour colouring pictures with her. i love Thursdays. ... WHOA HOLD THE FUCK WHATTT did i just say that? after all these weeks of anguish and tears and emotional pain over Thursdays. yesss.
my crush saves my world.

aaand she just reblogged a photo set of Sebastian Stan on tumblr with tags that ended up being hardcore porn and i feel weird now. all flushed.
i sent her an asdfghjklöä-ish message about how she should write more and is there nothing she's not good at dammit woman.
ugh.

i swear she's going to make me spontaneously combust one of these days.

cause of death: tumblr, tapeworm feelingsss and pink jeans.


i love that One Direction's Diana, which i've been jamming to lately, can also be sung with her name.



"it,s only been four months but
you've fallen down so far"
how could someone mislead you at all
i want to reach out for you
i want to break these walls
i speak a different language but i still hear your call

Diana
let me be the one to light a fire inside those eyes
you've been lonely, you don,t even know me
but i can feel you crying
Diana
let me be the one to lift your heart up and save your life
i don't think you even realise
baby, you'd be saving mine

we all need something
this can't be over now
if i could hold you
swear i'd never put you down

Diana
baby, you'd be saving mine.

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