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Monday, December 7th, 2009
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My friends asked me how could I like Gaga so much, I said "B/c I'm a free bitch, baby".
-awesome response is awesome. in herrrrrre.
GIVE ME UNCENSORED DANCE IN THE DARK AND MONSTER! i don't mind Monster all that much (but i'd still love not to have blanked-out words in my songs, plz) but i HATE it when she sings "I'm a free... bit" at the beginning of DitD.
SHE IS NOT A BIT, SHE IS LADY GAGA.
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I;M DYING AND DANCING ALL AT ONCE
-from the post where The Fame Monster leaked in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) ladygagafans
:DD
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Everyday I think of you
I think a little bit more of you
I take apart my heart
and something inside me is destroyed
Everyday I think of you
I think a little bit more of you
Everytime that the sun comes out
I look for a bit of courage to continue this way
And I see you
that I didn't touch you in that way
I pray for you every night
It dawns and I think of you
The tick-tock of the clocks rumbles in my ears and
I keep thinking of you
and I keep thinking....
Pienso En Ti. ♥
Oh my love! I’d do anything for you
to have you for a second, far away from the world
and close to me
Oh my love! Just like the Magdalena river
which merges into the sea sand,
I want to be one with you.
There are loves which become resistant to any damage,
just like wine improves its quality throughout the years,
in that same way my feelings for you grow ever stronger
There are loves which wait for the winter to bloom
and in the autumn evenings turn green again,
just like the love I feel for you.
Oh my love! Don’t forget the sea,
which has seen me crying at night
over all those memories I’ve got of you
Oh my love! Don’t forget the day
which separated your life
from this poor life of mine
There are loves which become resistant to any damage,
just like wine improves its quality throughout the years,
in that same way my feelings for you grow ever stronger
There are loves which seem to reach an end but then bloom
and in the autumn evenings turn green again,
just like the love I feel for you
I feel for you.. for you.. like the love I feel for you.
HAY AMORES ♥
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"I am nothing.
I will not heal. Not for all time.
I am struck by the lightning of love and burned beyond repair.
She's a splinter that cannot be pulled out.
She's part of me, everywhere I go.
Everywhere, she is."
SERIOUS LOVE FOR THE AUTHOR WHOSE NAME I WON'T TYPO HERE (AS I DO NOT RECALL WHERE THE ACCENTS GO ON HIS NAME).
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"I wanted to devour him with kisses."
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my heart is like the sea - endless and everlasting, even while it is as turbulent as the crashing waves.
... OH MY GOSH.
i can see why this is a world-class classic, this book. 33 minutes into the film and oh my gosh indeed.
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25 minutes into the film and LOVING it.
ohh the accents are so awesome. i love accented English. as long as it's in congruence with the context.
"Shoot me. There is no greater glory than to die for love."
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i am admittedly only six minutes and some seconds into the Love in the Time of Cholera movie, but i am very, very confused right now.
I LOVE IT.
100 Years of Solitude took me like 50 pages to even HOPE to understand something. and then it ended up being one of the most "hupaisa" books i've ever read. like i said to Aki, "hupaisa" is the only word to describe it. (welllll, not THE only, but the best. at the time at least. i've been through IB since then... "särki on hyvin plebeijimäinen kala", you know. and "hauki ei syö käpyjä. se on paradoksi.")
books ♥
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only gaga could stand on a toilet playing the piano and make it look good
-regarding her performance on X Factor
i was going to say i'd probably swoon over Aki doing the same but then i had a mental image of it in my head and decided i'd lol forever at it. i guess. DEPENDS ON THE CONTEXT.
but as of now, only GaGa could do that.
EDIT: i got so excited i almost ate my USB stick cover (the little cover you put over the contact head of the stick to protect it from vile germ and scratches, y'know). i can see the headlines: "GIRL ALMOST DIED BECAUSE OF GAGA"
like that mtv3 news thingy - PHOTOGRAPHER DIED AFTER SHOOTING GAGA. gaaahhh. i'm so sorry the man died but GaGa had nothing to do with his death! why drag her into it?
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MY ALMOST-9-YEAR-OLD FUR BALL IS CUDDLING MY SWEATY SWEATER ON MY BED AND PURRING INTO IT IN HER SLEEP.
brb dying of squee.
it's the little moments that make you the happiest. I KNOW.
♥
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i cried.
a lot.
no, wait, i lied.
I AM STILL CRYING. POOR LITTLE CAT.
brb i'm gonna go get my cats here and hug them to death till they get frustrated with me.
EDIT: Helmi is sleeping on my bed, glaring at me whenever i smile happily at her. all is well.
(Misu-Hillevi is not here since she eats everything. i haven't cleaned yet so for her safety and my peace of mind, she's not here.
but i love her still.)
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hahaha so much love for these comments.
ugh Teeth is playing in my head non-stop. i love the urban beat, even though it's space miles from what i'd normally associate GaGa with. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS, I THINK.
oh and remember my love for Bad Romance, the sex-in-a-song-form song?
ALEJANDRO IS BAD ROMANCE TO THE POWER OF FIVE.
my ears are still ringing from blasting Alejandro on repeat for an hour last night.
show me your fangs
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Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
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I THOUGHT THAT WAS A SMALL CHILD SMOKING HOOKAH BEHIND YOU XD
-lollerskates :DDD
i'm going to end up having three or MORE copies of The Fame :DDD i have the one that come out a year ago (i just bought it in september! because i thought it wouldn't be available once The Fame Monster came.) and now this Limited Edition Dijipak version of The Fame Monster. and then the Christmas present, too.
AND i'll have to buy one more once they release the uncensored versions :DDD
Lady GaGa doesn't want your money, though - she wants your soul.
stop calling, stop calling
i don't want to talk anymore
i left my heart and my head on the dancefloor
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In a perfect world, she'd be nominated for everything. Seriously. They should just hand her the key to the award cabinet and leave.
-GaGa fans/stans discussing what Grammys GaGa will be nominated for. :D
my The Fame Monster came in the mail today and it's so purty!!! i can't wait for my christmas present (technically this was one of them, but since i opened the package i snatched the CD and carried it away :D)~
i'm only going to have like four presents anyway but it's going to be EPIC. best christmas since 1995 (when i got a ballerina barbie, a talking Meeko and a Meeko photo album and some other cool shit).
i'm going to have the The Fame Monster super deluxe bundle WITH the t-shirt. (my dad was like, "how much is it?" me: "... a lot? BUT IT'S ALL I WANT APART FROM CONCERT TICKETS IT'S GOT *EVERYTHING* IN IT AND OHH IT'S SO PRETTY!") AND a TV. with an IN-BUILT DVD-player! (yea i know everyone else already has stuff like that, but my family's so poor we usually count coins to get food :D)
all that's left is Aki.
and i got a gazillion Sylvia books from the library since Dance in the Dark has made me fall in love with her all over again. Ariel was SPECTACULAR. i read it when i was supposed to be studying for finals, and... i just couldn't put it down. <3
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Thursday, November 26th, 2009
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from my e-mail box:
joskus on sellanen olo ettei millään oo mitään väliä. mä tiedän et akilla on aina väliä, --
it's from an old comment of elina's.
it struck a chord, considering i wrote this following e-mail this morning;
klo 4.57 noora istui portailla ja mietti, kuinka helposti voisi vain nojautua eteenpäin ja kaatua pimeyteen. kuinka hauras on ihminen. sisältä rikki revitty. usko siihen, että jokin päivä - pian - sinä tajuat kuinka väärin tämä on ja kuinka väärin sinä olet tehnyt/sanonut/toivonut ja kuinka paljon ihminen tarvitsee juuri tietynlaista apua ja kuinka rikki voi olla, kuinka vereslihalla joka ikinen päivä ja vielä enemmän joka ikinen yö. usko siihen on ainoa asia, joka saa ihmisen tarttumaan portaan kaiteeseen. klo 5.46 nooran päätä särkee (nukkumisen aloittaminen on liian pelottava ajatus ihmiselle) ja noora miettii, mitä ihmisruumiille pitää tehdä saadakseen sen sairaalaan sellaisessa kunnossa, jossa sinä hellyt sen kanssa keskustelemaan. ihmismieli on siinä tilassa nyyhkyttänyt jo kaksi vuotta.
i titled the e-mail itsemurhamuistelmat.
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aww, Marilyn ♥
If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
the world was too bad for you, bb. but we remember you. like GaGa sings, you're in our hearts.
baby loves to dance in the dark
'cause when he's looking she falls apart.
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i love my cats.
i love knowing that if i go to Hely in the middle of the night or with treats, she'll talk with me and purr in my lap.
i love the feel of her little paws treading my skin, her hard skull covered with soft hair pressing against my hand.
how she always talks so much.
i love sitting somewhere in the middle of the night, with Misu going round and round around me, pushing her head against whatever skin-exposure she can reach. how she'll stand up and hug your wrist if you're reading a book instead of petting her.
i love laughing at her because she's a big girl and won't go to the toilet alone if the light is not on. how she'll raise one paw off the litter box when doing #2, like a fine lady drinking afternoon tea.
how her fur goes into a mohawk spike when she gets angry, and opens up her paw (as big as a lynx!), but will come back purring twenty seconds later, wanting to be loved by you.
i love how you can go to Helmi and even if she's deep in sleep, she'll kind of push against you. how she'll give you kisses if you ask; "anna pusu! pusu." (kisses = licking your forehead and messing up your hair with saliva.)
how she'll purr if you pet her when she's asleep. how she'll talk back when you talk to her. how she lets you hold her in your arms however you feel and only occasionally give out a warning growl.
i love how i'm always scared i'll lose her, and she always up-ends me. tears of joy - i don't cry them very often but Helmi always brings them around after a vet visit or health scare.
i love words. how they let me play with them.
Lady GaGa, too:
In high school, the Yonkers, N.Y., native, 23, says she felt like an outcast because she wanted to be like "Boy George." She adds that it "took a long time to be OK" with who she is.
"I want my fans to know that it's OK," she says. "Sometimes in life you don't always feel like a winner, but that doesn't mean you're not a winner."
what i don't love is that the only thing larger than my wish to annihilate this pain and misery is an irrational fear.
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Monday, November 23rd, 2009
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life's simple pleasures. (like stuffing your face with crisps and Pepsi Max whilst reading Bash, whereupon i found this following showing of simple pleasures;)
#36468 +(941)- [X] <Defcon> dude my new microwave owns
<Defcon> you put the foods in and then the time and then start
<Defcon> then beep beep and yum
<ToastyGhost> No shit, Captain Microwave Handbook i don't know, i think itäs cute you can be so happy about something so irrelevant and small. i wish i could :D
#38476 +(256)- [X] <karl> OK, fixed.
<dbaker> Fixed?
<karl> I don't mean fixed like it works.
... i love this one.
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i want your drama
the touch of your hand
i want your leather-studded kiss in the sand
i want your love
love, love, love
i want your love
i want your horror
i want your design
'cause you're a criminal as long as you're mine
i want your love (love, love, love)
i want your love
ugh
i want your psycho
your vertigo shtick
want you in my rear window
baby, you're sick
i want your love, luhv luhv luhv
i want your love
you know that i want you
('cause i'm a free bitch, baby!)
and you know that i need you
i want your bad, bad romance
i want your love and
i want your revenge
you and me could write a bad romance
i want your love and
all your [lovers' / lover's] revenge
you and me could write a bad romance
ooh, caught in a bad romance
ooh, caught in a bad romance
walk, walk, passion, baby, work it
i'm a free bitch, baby
i want your love
and i want your revenge
i want your love
i don't want to be friends
je veux ton amour
et je veux ta revanche
je veux ton amour
i don't want to be friends
i don't want to be friends
i don't want to be friends
want your bad romance
WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE.
see, when i heard Bad Romance first, i thought it was absolutely fantasorgasmic. but i just couldn't, couldn't relate to the lyrics. which has been one of the major factors, so far, in my loving GaGa. (for example, LoveGame is playing right now, and i can just see myself playing this to Aki in a meeting like i played Shiver all those long months ago.)
but what you have above are my handwritten-- hand-typed! lyrics of parts of Bad Romance. all those parts i can relate to. [and yes i know she probably says "i want it bad, bad romance" but i like my version better so stfd.]
and like i've said before, the sream-singing at the end is so RAW and so THERE, ugh. gagagasm. i see myself and a gazillion other GaGa stans screaming the words at the concert.
i can also sort of see myself screaming them at a certain someone.
je veus ton amour et je veux ta revanche.
i've been stressed out, which is kind of awesome considering i'm not in school nor have a job - mostly i stay inside my room and read, literally -, but i realised that maybe it's just more of that post-traumatic stress disorder shit. like, is it ever going to go away like this? haha na-uhh.
i'm going to malmi on tuesday and i want to make my damnedest to make them DO SOMETHING. anything that gets this stuff forward.
i heard i might get my own apartment in the not-so-distant future (of course i'd pay something/somehow for it, but not official rent money?), and it got me all shell-shocked and excited and scared and...
and i was upset about being reminded of a huge loss not so long ago, which i still don't talk about with anyone, never think about it because i don't want to, and which still manages to bring tears into my eyes just with a casual mentioning.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT AND HAVE SOMEONE TO DEAL IT WITH.
before my heart goes thump-thump-thump-thurrrrrrrrmp-pa-pam-pam. because it seriously does a jig every time i lie down and try to relax.
Aki PLEASE. i miss you. i want your love and i want your revenge. (preferably the latter first. and by love i mean caring.)
every move you make is poetry this always reminds me of when Aki did that cobra move and i lol'd forever at it
they all fake what you do naturally and this makes me think of how he always cared, when the doctors were all "hi laura" [I HAVE A REAL NAME EVEN IF I DON'T EMBODY IT.] or "haha u little bitch got what you deserved haha"
if not for you, i wouldn't come at all i always said i'd quit when he and i were through. and i still maintain it. the malmi stuff is just to get my therapy back.
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Every day we are forced to make difficult decisions: "Should I cross the street?" "Am I thirsty?" "Do I wear pants today?"
-the Magic Cheezburger.
my point is that those are some of the things i ponder daily. (i wish i was 100% joking.)
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Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
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i miss talking with Katri.
i went through some old e-mails and there was a LOAD of comments and other stuff from her that i'd saved. i won't delete them, but i can't read them either because they make me cry.
i miss you, gurl.
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Well.
I chickened out. I didn't tell about my cutting. I had this paper I was supposed to fill, and to one of the questions ("What makes you feel you need help?") I replied, "I have an addiction to sharp objects." This morning, however, I messed it up and wrote some boring thing there instead. I just couldn't bear to go there and say I self-injure.
from here.
and then on my very first meeting with Aki, having known him for about 25 minutes, i SHOW him my arm.
makes you think.
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sitting here, on the actual place where my computer belongs (on the desk) for the first time in YEARS, i find myself feeling like... like late 2006, i guess.
no school.
dressed in the 'no school' wardrobe (dirty pj's and a college shirt, dirty hair on ponytail).
still up at three a.m.
listening to iPod (iTouch now, but it's still an iPod), listening to meaningful songs (np - James Blunt's Same Mistake).
playing Bejeweled 2.
reading LJ and ONTD.
thinking of hospital and therapy and Aki.
trying hard not to think of everything that's wrong and should really be dealt with.
... seriously, all that's changed is that
things are worse;
my hair is shorter and my glasses are newer;
i feel about a thousand times worse;
i don't have a text editor open with this or another novel in the middle of a six-hour writing process.
technically i was supposed to write P-potilas tonight, i had this awesome new "chapter" in mind, but now i've lost the stamina to. so i'm eating alcohol-flavoured jelly beans (BON BONS :DDD) and thinking instead.
nutmeg is the plant/spice/whatever the hell it is of loyalty, i remember reading not too long ago.
so isn't it funny that our little muskottisoturit is all but disbanded? and WHO the FUCK of us remained loyal? HAH.
np - Chris Cornell - You Know My Name
OMGaGa i listened to this song while writing in my diary here two and a half years ago! february 2007, i remember. i had that pink vinyl-covered journal. and then i doodled some lyrics in there with a cool picture of a mutilated angel.
i recently read The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx, which i found a riveting read, even if i've never (so far :D) dabbled with illegal drugs.
and now i sometimes get iTouch playing songs from the same-name CD, and... THESE SONGS ARE GOOD. Xmas was awesome. it had the first diary entry read aloud by Nikki (Sikki?) with these awesome melodies intertwined in. and Intermission just played - "How the hell am i still alive?!"
Andy McCoy makes a random cameo in the book. and Sikki's drug escapes are as sad as they are comical.
i read it as a continuation to Nancy (about Nancy Spungen, DUH) and now that The Heroin Diaries is done, i have a book about suicide waiting.
they joyful things i read :D
i guess it gives me "help" with P-potilas. mostly it's based on things that have happened really, to me or other hospital-made pals, and the characters are based like...
crazy people on the ward: Christopher (like toffe but more neurotic and off rockers), Elspeth (essi&elina), P(narrator), Tuulia (Maria&Tyy), Niina (riina)
you can see i've clearly been SOOOO creative with the names :DD i have a distinct feeling Tuulia was going to be changed, but i don't remember :DD
who cares, really? so far the only featured people are nurses, Psychologist (capital P oh yes hello rawr~), P (... DUH.) and Christopher.
i love Toffe's name so fucking much. hence i stole it for the story.
awws. Robbie just sang perfect lyrics for a lot of the things i'm feeling.
"I love you but I don't like you
right now"
was all she had to say
it's from Deceptacon.
the Aki(ra) rose will turn 4 on sunday.
it's still on my white desk, all mummified and rattling like brittle bones (which of course makes it heaven-sent for Misu).
i remember being all fire and spitting out how i'll BURN the motherfucker when i get home FIRST THING arrrrgh, and Aki was all okaaaay.
and then the next meeting i was all sweet smiles and said i didn't burn it, i'd meant to but then i couldn't... so i didn't. and Aki was all no niin, sillä lailla! and i was all omg ILUSFM.
AND IT WAS SYMBOLICCCCC~~~
and it's pathetic as hell that i have a malmi meeting on the 24th, which is the no niin sillä lailla date.
trufax: i have NEVER ever allowed anyone book me a meeting for august 11th (apart from Aki obviously). it's our day and i like to keep it so.
another trufax: i have no idea what to do but i will do something. come hell or high water. or GaGa. I WOULD TAKE AKI OVER GAGA. u-huh. that's how srs bzness i mean.
third trufax: i listened to this song (see current music box) in Hesperia and cut the fuck out of my arm and no one was none the wiser although my sleeve was suddenly about twice as large as normally because i padded paper in it to suck the blood :D oh the memories. ♥ (no, seriously. i loved that first time. Aki was sympathetic and i had leisurely time to read books - James Joyce's Dubliners and Näkymätön Elina, among others - and i listened to Frou Frou's Breathe In and journalled like hell. and it was so funny that Rosa didn't know it was a mental ward :DD)
let's get lost, you can take me home
somewhere nice we can be alone
bikini tops
comin' o-o-off
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i wish animal abuse stories were required legally to be put behind cuts on the internet.
i just choked up because of a story i've seen like three times now. it never stop being so horrible.
there was this "celebrity" who got pissed off at his girlfriend or something and proceeded to KICK and BATTER her cat Norman. the poor cat then crawled into his hiding place where he died of internal damages and broken ribs, among other things.
HOW CAN YOU DO THAT TO AN ANIMAL?!
poor little Norman. rest in peace, furry little darling. ♥
Karma will get that son of a bitch sooner or later. >:(
i want to go huggle my kitties and cry.
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... i just updated my iTunes and i swear the first thing i saw was OOH SHINY.
:D
no matter how many times i listen to Bad Romance, chills literally go up my spine. (i know they usually go down, but apparently my chills want to stand out of the crowd.)
♥
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Monday, November 16th, 2009
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For a shirtless guy in red hotpants, you'd think Mickey Mouse would be a little friendlier to the gay community.
lololol.
(the news was about miley cyrus' birthday bash forcing gays to excavate Disneyland.)
(i still await the day when miley cyrus will be obsolete history.)
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lol :D it must be because it's past three in the morning and i'm tired as a nut house, but i just lol'd so hard at this blind item post in ONTD.
normally blind item posts are painful to read - the unrevealed gossip, the horrible structuring of the clues - but this one was so good.
it had a picture of Stevie Wonder being all cool and stuff, and went on with the three blind items.
i read them, moved on with the posts at ONTD - and rewound. none of the items WERE about Stevie Wonder :DD
he was one of the blind items :DDDD
lol.
yea like i said it's because i'm tired :DDD
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In the film Tantrums And Tiaras, Elton is seen having a fit when a member of the public waves at him while he is playing tennis.
lol what WHY :DD
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Sunday, November 15th, 2009
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MEGA-AWWS.
♥
Cameron, come back soon. House isn't House without you.
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lolololol xD
Hauskat kotivideot is on right now and there was this kid walking whilst swirling a hoola hoop around her waist WITH a ball attached to her right foot (so that she had to step over the string with the left one on every step). IMAGINE a kid walking along coolly with all these solar system-like swirls and hoops around her. Sampo's comment for the video, in his ever-cool voice:
"Lady GaGa lähti kiertueelle."
haha :DD
GaGa i love you, you're so crazy.
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Saturday, November 14th, 2009
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someone else hates gwyneth too :D
is it possible to mail this to her? is it possible that someone out there can scream this into her face as she enters/leaves her house. every single time.
in fact, i just want to scream at her, fullstop, as a career. she's so oblivious and smug and pretentious it makes me want to turn the world into obese warmongers. THIS IS HOW MUCH I HATE YOU GWYNETH.
i want the sidejob that consists of looking at her like she's stone cold tofu, raising my eyebrows sarcastically and all that and never responding to her in a coherent-enough-for-her-way. i don't like screaming at people, but i do like making some people upset :D
this made me lol, too. :D
... i used to not KNOW her or her antics. i only knew her name vaguely and that she was married to Chris Martin. (he gets capital letters again because i read he's about to divorce her.) then i started therapy and all sorts of shit went up into places and now i don't have my therapy but i haven't yet managed to over-work my hatred for her off.
i'll throw a cake-and-soft-drinks party when they divorce. come join the fun!
lots of GaGalupe playing in the background.
our hair is perfect while we're all getting shitwrecked
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It says the film will tell "the untold story of Zelda and F Scott Fitzgerald, who became Jazz Age icons known for living large, soaring high, and crashing hard."</p> Their turbulent relationship inspired a short-lived West End musical in 2004, starring Michael Praed as the Tender is the Night author.
(sourcey is ONTD, 23.9.2008.)
!!!!!
FOR ONCE THEY MENTION TITN AND NOT THE EVER-PRESENT GREAT GATSBY! ahhh. seriously, Gatsby is hella fly - i read it like three times in 2006 alone - but Tender is the Night is THE Fitzgerald book for me. and it never gets mentioned anywhere :/
i wish they'd do a remake of the film. Anna Paquin as Rosemary, and... PAUL BETTANY as Dick. (this is because Bettany sometimes looks like Aki, who totally rocks the Dick Diver look.) and Nicole Kidman would be so purty as Nicole Diver.
and Lady GaGa should do the soundtrack :D
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Lady GaGa's Speechless will be SO AWESOME I HAVE NO WORDS.
i'll probably cry like a howler when she sings it live.
Dance in the Dark is so pretty, too, although more beat-sy. i love how she mentions Marilyn and Sylvia and Diana and everybody.
♥
she's a mess
she's a mess
she's a mess
now the girl is stressed
she's a mess
she's a mess
she's a mess.
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Friday, November 13th, 2009
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oh my GaGa :DDD
i lol'd aloud.
jhfkjghfjghkj
TICKETMASTER IS GIVING ME ***NOTHING**** FOR NYC ON 1/21
IS ANYONE GETTING ANYTHING?
BRB SUICIDE
BRB SUICIDE will be my new favourite phrase!
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PostnaTal. Postnadal depression is what Roger Federer suffers from occasionally.
-mah sourcey.
haha i lol'd.
my arm keeps hurting like a mofo. Anniina said her arm stopped hurting about 48 hrs after the swine flu shot. i'm still waiting. incidentally the seasonal flu shot only hurts when Misu is grabbing my shoulder arm. (they shots are on different arms.)
i was muchly amused by the fact that i got an official pandemia virus vaccination document of proof for having been vaccinated against a hysteria-inducing influenza with a vaccination made out of chicken eggs. (which, incidentally, i'm allergic to. YAY.)
lol someone with a Bad Romance icon is saying "lady gaga kind of sucks tbh" at ONTD. :DDD
hereeee.
i still love Poker Face the most. it's so damn catchy. Bad Romance has this more... emotional disturbia-ishness to it. Bad Romance is so serious. and when she screams at the end "want your bad romance" again and again, it's so... almost heart-breaking, if you listen to it that way.
Poker Face is more flirtatious and only half-serious. and the beat, oh God the beat.
and it's my therapy song :D
Dance in the Dark is sounding beautiful, too. i can't wait for the official release.
she's a mess
she's a mess
she's a mess
and when he's looking she falls apart.
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Monday, November 9th, 2009
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singing Poker Face with a live, full-set orchestra is now one of my dreams.
... thanks a lot, youtube.
WHERE IS MY BAD ROMANCE.
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j'adore l'amour
et je veux ton revenge
j'adore l'amour
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Saturday, October 31st, 2009
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| Time: | 5:52 am. |
| Music: | Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars. |
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vodka is my friend. ♥
You never liked to get The letters that I sent. But now you've got the gist Of what my letters meant.
You're reading them again, The ones you didn't burn. You press them to your lips, My pages of concern.
I said there'd been a flood. I said there's nothing left. I hoped that you would come. I gave you my address.
Your story was so long, The plot was so intense, It took you years to cross The lines of self-defence.
The wounded forms appear: the loss, the full extent; and simple kindness here, the solitude of strength.
one of the idiot doctors asked what i'd do if Aki said no.
i've been pondering what i'd do before he even had a chance to say anything.
i think i'd be awfully quiet and awkward and then just... you know how dams break from those little cracks?
i'd be like that.
i would HOWL out in pain. cry cry cry without a breath.
i'd be all red and blue and purple and oxygenless. like my insides are.
i haven't cried like that since very early june 2007. i always burst into tears in the middle of my prayers and it just... wouldn't stop. every time i thought it'd subdued, it came back full-force. i literally bawled the night away into my pillow, biting it and beating my temples and choking on my own knuckles.
it turns exhausting after the first hour or two. and then you have to get up at eight anyway, to face another day of mean, clueless people telling you OH IT WILL ALL BE BETTER TOMORROW.
i'm still waiting for that tomorrow. will it come soon? will it come soon and take this hurt away?
maybe i wouldn't be here sobbing if i'd actually drink my vodka friend instead of calculating how out of my head i'll be in an hour. ... did i just write how out of my head i will be? hahaha, joke of the year. it should say how much MORE out of my head i'll be.
the downside of wearing my precious mask is that when it cracks (badly), i'm in no state to fix it up. and then the soft inside is revealed to the cruel cruel world and there's no shell to clamp shut over it. no refuge where to hide. no one to ask to cover up.
the yearning for a simple tight hug and a few reassuring words is killing.
lies. i would like nothing more than Aki right now. but after that, the second most needed thing is lies. i wish someone would say "it wasn't your fault" in a way that i could believe. and "i love you and i want to see you happy". and "i will help you".
and "you're worth it".
at least when i had Noora and Nooris, there was always someone to give a tight, if not "real", hug.
now there's no one and i freak out in the bathroom really hard because i'm so alone and i feel like there's someone in there.
there is no one. no one.
cooperation - because life is a team sport.
i don't want to lay blame - who broke what and who's fault is this and who damaged this. i just want to fix things. repair me. bring back Noora and Nooris.
heal my heart and drown my woes let my arm scar and fade.
the last time i was in the hospital / ER, the nurse who's often on duty said i'ma have to get a regular customer card or something. i don't even want to know how many hundreds i've spent on paying the ER visit bills.
but he also said that by all means, my heart should have given out a long time ago. it's probably stubborn. although my neck veins have started acting all weird, and the aorta hurts sometimes.
they want me to stop being sad.
they want me to stop wanting / trying to kill myself.
but no one helps me.
and if i want either help or death, whichever comes easier - why can't i have either? to die, to sleep; perchance to dream.
i guess i'm trying to articulate the fact that while death is a wooable companion, he's not much help with this Situation.
it'd be much better to have someone else. but he'll do, of course. he'll do.
"mutta etkö sä usko että olisi ihan kamalaa jatkaa Akin kanssa?"
"... tää on vaan hyvin pitkä tauko. ehkä aluksi on kipeää mutta siihen saa balsamia. balsamia sydänhaavaan polttavaan, haha. kirjaimellisesti."
"mutta etkö sä olisi tosi tosi vihaine sille?"
"... en. miksi olisin? ... itseäni mä tässä vihaan. ja sitä helvetin lääkäriä."
"miksi sä jankutat tätä samaa asiaa koko ajan? mikset vaan luovuta ja mene eteenpäin?"
"koska MÄ EN PYSTY. ja jos mä en tee tätä itselleni ni mä en ikinä anna sitä anteeksi kenellekään. koska vaikka on ns. HULLU, on silti jotain ihmisarvoa."
-parts of conversation from malmi.
remember august 8, 2007? "mulla ei oo mitään jos mulla ei oo toivoa."
la tristesse durera toujours?
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?
i need your grace
to remind me
to find my own.
i listened to this song a lot that summer. 2007. it didn't work; the world forgot me, though. the cowards get the easy way out.
sä jätit vain rauniot jälkeesi
(toivoni häviää.)
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Friday, October 30th, 2009
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Noora | "Mä en saa tätä auki."(Aki sai~) sanoo: I could maybe get over this much more easily if it weren't for the factt hat I KNOW I'll never find anyone else who'd be so understanding of all my annoying habits and all Noora | "Mä en saa tätä auki."(Aki sai~) sanoo: we just... click. Noora | "Mä en saa tätä auki."(Aki sai~) sanoo: we belong together like TV and remote!
-from Katri's and my messenger conversation. held early december 2006 :P
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i was going through my received files folder, and found a lot of old treasures. texts and pictures and songs... and something Katri sent me a long time ago.
based on the looks of this, this file is our first messenger conversation in text.
... i just can't stop crying and/or feeling choked up, looking at it.
i miss her.
yea, things got ugly towards the "end" (how ominous-sounding!), but before, when things were cool(er)... i thought we got along great. i miss that. and i miss reading her fanfiction and stuffs and everything.
i wanted to write "i've forgiven her" but i don't know if there even was anything to forgive. sure some things i wish she hadn't said / done, but i'd probably done the same in her shoes. i can't blame her for that.
and i might be a bit resentful but i'm not angry. and i understand.
kind of like with Aki. i will NEVER be ANGRY with him for this.
Kat -
i don't know where you are (probably going to school in a few hours, but one never knows) or what sort of things you're into now. but i wish i did. and i might not always agree or understand but i'd try, and i'd be happy if you were happy. (the only thing i'm not happy about is your being happier without me, but eh.)
i wish i could still read your awesome writings and be able and allowed to leave my random little comments to you - never understanding the fandom but always, always loving the texts.
and i miss our conversations. you were always so smart and so knowledgeable about such a variety of topics - i was always in awe and a bit jealous.
i miss having a friend like you, because when we got on, we got on so well it's not even ... something. i don't have the words. you always had. (i'm still jealous!)
i know i messed up absolutely horribly and trust me, i do beat myself up over it. and i would undo it even if it meant horrible pain and misery (to me). my only excuse is that things were too rough for my head to handle, beginning spring 2007 and culminating in early summer 2008. it's not a good reason, no no no, but it's the only explanation i have. i don't know - i wasn't myself at the time at all.
i know sorry isn't good enough, but i am really, very, truly sorry.
i miss you. i've never had a friend like you and i probably never will. and you got me through so many rough patches, it's incredible. thank you for those. and thank you for being my friend when i needed you (before all the shit went up, you know). thank you for being there every time.
i'm sorry. i miss you a lot.
like i apparently said on this messenger conversation,
oh, you *huggles* it's good to talk with you
i have half a mind to do something drastic. i want my Aki back so missing my friends won't be this painful - these hurts will not diminish, but he will be there to comfort.
and if one happens to die, then... why, every problem has been solved! most likely permanently, too.
Katri i misses you badly.
AKI I MISS YOU JUST AS BADLY.
i want your loving
i want your revenge.
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i don't think the pain ever goes away.
it doesn't just wear off.
it won't be bandaged, nor will it be covered.
it's a monster and it wants to come out.
i wish people would understand that. even one person.
anyone.
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Monday, October 26th, 2009
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"Sometimes I don't know if he really cares or if he just pretends to."
"If he's pretending, he cares."
♥
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--or to take arms against the sea of troubles and by opposing
end them.
The ITCH 5x07
Cameron: I just tried your house. Where are you?
House: Clubbing. Good or bad?
Cameron: Bad. Vitals are dropping. The abdominal pain keeps getting worse.
House: Means we were too late with the treatment. Tell the lawyer he’s off the clock. We're done.
Cameron: You're giving up?
House: Call Taub. Tell him to pick up some morphine. There's no need for the patient to be in pain.
Cameron: He's on morphine.
House: No. He's on saline.
Cameron: I figured you put him on saline so I switched him back to morphine.
House: I love you.
haha :D i love them. i can't believe they're kicking JMo off the show. House sucks already with all the Foreteens and Huddys around and Chase and Cameron getting married - why are they now getting rid of her for good? argh.
i had a long and tearful chat today about The Thing That Happened Two Years Ago (as it's now been dubbed in my head) - a chat in which nothing got talked through or anything, but... i don't know.
i'm thinking of asking something about something relating to this on tuesday at malmi. i'm contemplating thinking about thinking / it's overrated, just get another drink in / and watch me come undone
i drank a vodka today and then said it tastes foul. after drinking it. my brain cells, they be lacking in action.
THE POSTMARKS – FOR BETTER … OR WORSE?
There has got to be a way.
It feels impossible.
And I don’t care what they say.
i want parrots that i could name Hamlet and Ophelia. (i just read this weird twist on the play and whilst it did not live up to the original, it made me once again fall in love with Hamlet and Ophelia. mad people have my heart. along with the Souslik Who Be Aki.) ... i love the part where Hamlet is rolling around with Yorick's skull and doing the To Be or Not To Be, That is The Question soliloquy.
nymph! in thy orisons
be all my sins remember'd.
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Saturday, October 17th, 2009
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<tr><td width="100%" bgcolor="#bbddff"></td></tr><tr><td>Heathus.
Now I'm voting for the guy I drove past under the bridge today who was screaming at his shopping cart.(Jätä kommentti) (Viestiketju)(Laajenna) </td></tr>
... i lol'd. aloud.
(if you go to the post you'll see a mccain interview clip. hence the voting.)
(and Heathus refers, obviously, to Heath Ledger and Jesus.)
EDIT: moar from the same post!
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omg molest my senses gaga!
haha :D
i love "omgaga".
THAT BITCH IS MY IDOL. (Britney's my hero, since she has bipolar and stuff, but j'adore GaGa.)
House: Got a patient with ITP. Need to hit her with radiation.
Cameron: I'm gonna have to call you back. [to House] Methotrexate.
House: Good point. On the other hand, if she bleeds in her brain, she's gonna need a Special Ed class of her own.
Cameron: Fine.
House: Really?
Cameron: Yeah, if you think it's right, do it.
House: Hmmm. Some people thought you were gonna be brutal, marking your territory.
Cameron: Who?
House: Nobody. Just because I call him nobody doesn't make me a racist.
Cameron: I'm not gonna play games. If you come to me with a request and it makes medical sense, I’ll say yes.
House: I need oral sex. I'm pretty sure biological imperative qualifies as medical sense.
Cameron: Can I return my phone call now?
House: I don't really see how that's gonna be possible.
-House, M.D. 5x13 Big Baby
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Thursday, October 15th, 2009
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if there will ever be a picture of Lady GaGa with her gorgeous new locks and make-up on WITH THE MOST GORGEOUS DRESS EVAR*,
...
i will probably eat my computer in my excitement.
i love that dress and her hair THAT MUCH.
... i'm beginning to suspect my love for GaGa is what my insane liking for House a year or two backwards was; a replacement for my therapy. (i used to watch insane amounts of House for the mere fact that he looked like Aki. and i saw myself in Cameron in seasons 1-3, before she got all married to Chase and stuff.)
GaGa keeps me... not sane, no. HELL NO. but instead of going on a shooting spree or something something, i bounce up walls in my room with the iPod on full volume with Just Dance on. or the version of Poker Face where she screams a lot.
i love when she goes in that weird-ass creepy spooky voice, "I WANT YOUR SOUL." ♥
i want my therapy. then she can gladly have my soul, or the five dollars in my pocket. either way. maybe she's changed her mind since the concert.
(i love how apparently i think my soul is equivalent to the worth of five dollars.)
i don't even have a bad romance with myself - we have no romance.
ra ra, ah ah aah
ra ra, ooh la la
want your bad romance.
*if it be unclear to ANYONE what her BEST DRESS EVAR is, it's the disco ball dress.
Oona calls it fondly her "Edward Cullen dress" courtesy of a macro where there's a disco ball with the words "Look, it's Edward Cullen! Wanna dance?".
in the The Fame Ball (july 28th at Kulttuuritalo), her dress literally sparkled like a giant dancing disco ball. i LOVED it. i wish i could find a picture of it. i'd make a shirt out of it. AND WEAR IT PANTLESS LIKE GAGA.
... Aki come on. before i do something we'll both regret insanely. ._.
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WELL SAID, DEAR OLD MAN.
Lady GaGa's Bad Romance is making me do spins. (inside my head. it's where i do everything.)
i'm too sad to think bad things.
i'm wearing bright red lipstick. i can't think of bad things when i'm wearing bright red lipstick.
so i think of nothing and jam to BR instead.
oh God i wish i looked like GaGa did at the SNL show. she was BEAUTIFUL.
(i lol'd when the rings kept hitting her head, though. but she was cool with them!)
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