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i made the blog! i thought of a name randomly a couple of nights ago - something i used to tell A often in regards to our paintings and which i've kept in my analogy box all these years - and rushed to check if the URL is available, and i already wrote some posts! and i have a huge list of future post ideas to type up.

... and because it's about depression, it's understandable when i lack motivation to update it. ha!

and shit, like, this is my area of expertise. i wanted to think literature was (but as evidenced by the last comment i received on that blog, it clearly is not), but maybe this is it.

"pain is an old friend."

plus i can just copy-paste several of my entries from here, once i have the energy and emotional stability to comb through them. (the latter may be hard to find, lol.)

i feel so accomplished.
for about five minutes, then the crying and loneliness and desolation spikes its way back in.
i was told, once again, that we WILL go to my Happiest Place in the World again next summer.
the thought made me smile in advance, in expectation of the happiness i'll feel there.

and then i made a deep cut and sat squeezing it shut for half an hour feeling really funny, like hot and lightheaded and questioning myself.

and even that didn't make me feel relief, make me sigh in a blissful way as i exhale slowly. it's a little similar to an orgasm, less violent but a bit similar. it made the muscles in my neck and shoulders relax for a moment. i miss that.
my neck hasn't relaxed in months. (insert a joke about my head being too heavy to hold upright.)
that girl i used to fancy when i had scales on my eyes posted a photo of her using a mug i gave her a long long time ago, and it just... made me livid.

i keep wanting to tell her she doesn't deserve that mug; recycle it or give it to someone else but don't use it yourself (nor sell it forward; don't benefit from my stupidity any more!)!!!

i spent so much on her, money and time and effort, and i never even received a thank you. not once that one little word in exchange for my paying her groceries or giving her and her inane pal presents to make them like me.
that's my mistake, ohh, i've learnt my lesson now.

i don't want to be the person who asks for their gifts back once a relationship is done and dusted, but i really also don't want her to continue using and enjoying the products of my fallacies.

you were rude to me, you were a terrible and twisted friend - you don't deserve presents i gave out of love!
(i am not saying i'm blameless - it just isn't the point of this specific topic right now.)

i just stew in my own dislike and hope for karma to come.

i don't like this part of me, but suppressing her isn't good for me at all. thankfully there's LJ - no one in my new current life reads it and the ones who knew of it have long moved on.

my head hurts.
i was going to write a post about how to fail embarrassingly at killing yourself (trust me, i'm an expert on this!)

but i don't want to give anyone (else apart from myself) tips on how to succeed.

i (used to?) think we all have a purpose here, to be fellow humans to one another, sources of comfort and companionship and solidarity of handholding and laughter and light and love.
i don't want to give someone tips on how to stop fulfilling their purpose abruptly (but then there's the part of me that knows the excruciating pain existence can be and wants to spare people from that, too... ugh. why are these issues never simple and clear‽).
and maybe the reason that they're still here is because their "mission"/purpose/whatever hasn't been fulfilled. if you fail at killing yourself it's not a failure, it's your guardian angel / the Universe yanking you back up like "hold on, you still have so much light and love to give and to receive!"

i think i kind of maybe want to have a purpose too or at least believe i have one. that maybe i'm just flailing right now and failing to find my own.

like i wrote so many years and lifetimes ago, Death really is the ultimate get-away car.

someone please help me
i spend my nights watching Friends on Netflix and the theme song really feels like a jab right now

i sing along up until the chorus, because hey;

so no one told you life was gonna be this way
(clap here!)
your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's d-o-A
it's like you're always stuck in second gear
oh, when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year...

(i particularly like how DOA can mean several things because of A.)

i think i'all just go cry some more now
for the past week and a half i haven't been able to stop crying and literally shaking

i keep bursting into tears all of a sudden and with surprising gusto, given the lethargic state sadness renders my being into otherwise

i don't know which is worse

the shaking feels worrisome, like something big is about to break for good with huge consequences

like i'm going to be floored
and drown.

Jun. 21st, 2014

oh, it's not so bad, it only hurts when I breathe.

love scars

people keep touching my left arm a lot when they're being affectionate.

I don't mind, not most of the time, because the touches are light and well-meaning, but I find it funny in a slightly weird manner. I don't mean that people think "oh I'll touch her in THAT place" at all, but I'm pretty sure all these people are aware of my little habit.

my favourite instructor made me sit on her lap some weeks ago and hugged me, and places one of her hands on my left arm. I let it be - I only fretted about being too heavy and too old, and then too emotional. hers was a light, soft, protective touch.

or the other day when my world came crashing down and I had to call a friend to pick me up or I'd die, she petted me on my arms a lot. the same thing as above: a soft caress never did me any (physical) harm.

and once, many many weeks ago, my shitty "friend" (who was my fiend at the time, though) suddenly grabbed my left arm to say something empathetic to me, but it hurt and I winced and tore my hand free and she got all condescending on me, "what have you DONE?"

maybe her reaction is the reason I'm so aware of people touching my arm a lot when they touch me. I even hug people with my left hand in main position sometimes.
I know it's a disgusting, bad thing to do but I've chosen to do it anyway - I don't need any more judgment from anyone. my body, my

like every criticising comment aimed at me, that one made me very self-aware of the part of me in question.

I've come a long way from the spiteful days of DON'T TOUCH ME, though.

I don't know why this is such a big deal. maybe I miss it more than I thought - today will mark four weeks without what used to be a daily habit.
I await tomorrow; things are shitty even if I don't do it, so I might as well.

I keep fucking things up anyway.
you know what I realised the other day?

we live in Finland in the year 2014 and I couldn't marry the girl of my dreams even if she felt the same way for me.

I've known that for years, that the legislation is incredibly discriminating against all minority groups, but it never struck me so forcefully because I didn't know a single person it applied to. I lived a very sheltered, privileged life.

and now that it applies to me too I found myself choking on tears because it's a crime against humanity to discriminate consensual love.

we live in Finland in 2014 - LET PEOPLE LOVE. for fuck's sake, let people love.

May. 10th, 2014

love is that every pretty song is suddenly about her.

tragedy is that it makes me cry.


she's unresponsive and i'm not dealing well with it. it makes me feel like i've done something wrong.
it's just her avoidance, i know, particularly since i have a suicidal urge to push things in front of her face all the time, but it just triggers my rejection fears.

but last night she posted a drunken selfie on tumblr, and goddammit she is too beautiful to look at. i speedclicked myself out of tumblr so fast because i couldn't bear to look at the picture for long that when i went back it opened to her picture again and i flipped and pushed a button and then realised i need another page and it went back to her and gaahhh

i feel weird.

anxious both in good and bad ways.

i don't fucking know.
i'd feel so much better if she just responded, but it's not her motus operandum under the circumstances.

but it was a beautiful picture.

so happily...

i feel like things are, AGAIN, progressing quite swiftly towards "[my crush's name] meidän pitäis varmaan puhua."

i never got to that point last time, she asked me about my feelings before i got to my implosion point - which was about a week away anyway. it took three weeks and a day from my realising my feelings to her asking me if i have a crush on her.
must be some sort of record.

but things are accumulating. maybe they're just in my mind! but i operate based on that mind and if they keep accumulating, they need to faced and defused somehow.

but there are borderline-flirtatious things thrown around, she keeps bringing up her sexual orientation, and last night oh God last night she liked my Facebook status in which i said "jos joku ois puoli vuotta sitten kertonut mitä mulla pyörii tänään päässä, oisin nauranut tosi räkäsesti ja sanonut et ei vitussa. (... lol sanat)
voi kevät. tarvitsen oman Peggyn."
AND THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND MY ALLUSIONS. this is exactly the type of status she always refused to like - she'd like every fucking thing i posted BUT things like this.
she knows i meant i'm drooling after ladies. she knows i mentioned spring because she's done that. she knows Peggy is also a hightlight term for her - not exactly code but a term i know she'd notice.
and she knows i still like her.
and she's still very sparing with her likes for me (and if i'm noticing a trend, in general as well since depression came and swept her off her feet) - apart from that, she's only liked things i've specifically tagged her in, and not even all of those.

SO WHY DID SHE LIKE THAT STATUS ARGH she knows i overanalyse things.

she knows how the air feels between us. she was there on Friday, dammit.

she's about one step away from realising how dirty i'd want to get with her. i think she knows it's a possibility, but i'm not sure if she'd manage her current nonchalantness towards me if she really knew. maybe she'd be the same. maybe she is.
goodness knows i've thrown around more hints by accident and purse than i'd care to think about, and she's not stupid at all.

if anyone wants proof about my feelings, all they need to do is have a look at my thoughts. i spent all yesterday simmering in my own steamy thoughts.
i keep getting really vivid images in my head of us doing things i never once ever dreamt of doing even with any of my previous, decidedly male crushes. and with her it suddenly seems... plausible, you know.
i can see her being my Peggy. i wonder if she ever thinks of me as her Steve. (she sees herself as Steve, though, so maybe i'd be Peggy. but she has bravado and leadership i don't. and Steve and Peggy didn't have a happy ending anyway... but we could give them that, couldn't we? we could.)

exhibit B would be how i sat quiet for five minutes just staring at her tags on tumblr, tags where she opened up a bit about how bad she feels and how she's broken. they made me cry.
i want to hug her and kiss her (with her consent, duh) and make her see how beautiful she is in every way. how the stars shine for her. how my genuinely very pure heart feels companionship with hers.

i KNOW it's all in my head. i know. but she does things that don't make sense.
she KNOWS my coda, she knows what i mean with roundabout referencing.

everything is all weird and kaleidoscopic and the air is heavy with pheromones and sometimes our eyes meet and it's like they speak and neither of us really knows what they're saying.

i don't know.

all i know is i'd be good to her.

i really would be. i know it in my very core.
i'd be good to her.

Apr. 6th, 2014

i just remembered that yesterday i was on the phone with my crush, sitting on my bed, just as somepne was in the bathroom on the other side of the thin wall. i bet my voice was super-audible.

and we were talking of naps and i said to her how i put my divet on my bed and it's so slippery i keep sliding around on it - how i don't have a water-filled mattress but people can slip around on my duvet.
we laughed, but even as i was saying it i suddenly realised how innuendo'd it could sound, and my crush sounded a tiny weeny teeny bit weird when she laughed her response,

and i'm sure my side of the conversation sounded waaay too little like an innocent friendship talk to whomever was in the bathroom.

oh, well.
i don't care. whatever.

i just suddenly understand things a little better again.

we're on fire now

she's posting porn again, and reblogging in particular characters and people and things i've very recently expressed interest in.
she just reposted her HC-tagged SebStan set, and wrote a whole smutlet about Peggy and pre-serum Steve after i told her she should write more.

it was pretty damn hot.

she talked about it to me yesterday and laughed at my flushed face as she described some stuff in detail, but i hadn't been to tumblr after i flipped over the SebStan tags and whined to her about it on WhatsApp, so i hadn't seen her post about it.

it was... it was intense.

i don't even know how she packs so much description, action and feeling into such a short package of words. she actually wrote a quality porn smutlet in her tags, seriously. and Peggy and Steve was a two-paragraph text in which she managed multiple orgasms and the whole shebang, complete with heavy imagery.
i'm a snob when it comes to both porn and writing so i'm not praising her just because i like her.

so i'm like wow porn, wow porn from her, wow great writing, wow great writing from her.

and i know she's really posting them just because it's Captain America season and whatnot, but it makes me happy to think it has something to do with me. it's like our whole deal with my feelings for her.
and it makes me happy to wish upon a star that she'd respond to my "haluun olla tunne-elämän Steve Rogers!" with a quip about being my Peggy. ... grr, girl.

and she's not even my friend anymore in this house, apparently. she's been referred to as "... it" all day. i got really cranky and defensive.
i know her name is a little weird, it took me a few days to learn it, too, and that's the reason i can't call her by her name here - she'd find this instantly if she googled herself, and i don't want all the potential drama and awkwardness that might ensue. but she still has a name and if you can't use her name then call her by some title that fits - she's my friend, she can even be that girl, she can be anything nice, but she's not an "... it"!
and what the fuck is with the ellipsis? are you now suddenly snapping to attention that her name is practically the only name that comes out of my mouth, that i talk of her in a special voice and with special feeling, that i mention her in contexts where no one else gets mentioned?
i appreciate the gesture of trying to be polite by not saying thiings that remain unsure, but it irks me so fucking much to hear such an angel be referred to as "... it". and that comment about her not having come over because she didn't wake up, what the fuck was that? obviously she didn't come over, would i be slouchung on the couch in ugly PJ's watching Criminal Minds reruns if she had? and as if she's a bad person for having slept all day THAT'S CALLED DEPRESSION and if i never held it against her then no one else is allowed to do so either.

yes, she hurts, sometimes on purpose. yes, she disappoints, because i have such lofty expectations she'd wear herself out if she tried to fulfill them all at once or so soon. yes, she tells me to practise getting angry at her and i do that, i was genuinely upset today because i felt unimportant for a while.
but i will fucking bite heads off of anyone who so much as lays a finger on her image. except for her herself because then i'd be crushless, but i do not tolerate any sort of reproval of her.
it's my choice to let her hurt me, it's my choice to hang out with her, it's my choice to be friends with and have a crush on someone who has difficulties in life. it's an unfortunate fact that our difficulties don't often match and thus her pain ends up hurting me in several ways and vice versa, but we both suck it up because we love each other enough to see past it, to see all the good in each other. our loves are different in nature but that's a minor issue. the main thing is that there is an abundance of love.

until she stops loving me, i won't stop defending her with every cell in my being.

i don't care what your opinion is. she's good to me and makes me feel loved and important - it's my own issues that create the negative feelings, and we've been working on them very well and a lot lately. she's a beautiful person both inside and outside and deserves high praise, not to be a nameless, pronounless "... it" with fucking ellipsis.

asdfghjklöä i'm cranky. (NO SHIT SHERLOCK.)

i don't care what people say when we're together
you know i want to be the one to hold you when you sleep
i just want it to be you and i forever
i know you want to leave
so come on, baby, be with me
so happily


no cleaning for us.

depression strikes again.

i managed to make it all about me, of course. i cried for hours. until i remembered how she said to me back in November how she hopes i won't be disappointed in her when her going inevitably falls into a slump, and how vehemently i swore i'd carry her like she's carried me.
recalling that - i actually wrote it here, at the end of November - put everything into proper perspective and i stopped feeling sorry for myself and disappointed in her. now i'm just sad for her.

i thought she felt alright yesterday, in the evening. we laughed and she sangand we had fun and she was prodding me in an amused way to make sure i wake up early enough today.
i wish she'd have come here, if i might have the power to dispel her blah-ness for a while. she really wanted to feed Viljami.
but i guess the hard part was getting out of bed, dressed and out. (notice how curiously enough i don't think of myself as the hard part.)

but maybe it was for the best right now that we spent today apart. her feeling wasn't too good, and after our 90-minute porn talk yesterday i would perhaps have said things that would have made our relationship awkward. (not that i didn't already do it by posting my cover photo on Facebook - mentioning self-injury and love and that i was hurt was probably a bad move from me but i can't undo it anymore. and i hope she'll see that even though i still have feelings for her, i've acted way better than before.)

i just feel so impatient, like some sort of time is running out for me. like this is a bad, irregular thing and that our normal relatioinship was closer than ever. in some ways it is, and this week has been great for our friendship from my point of view at least, but it's only been two months since the intervention and i shouldn't expect everything to be patched up by now. but i do expect!
and this was the third weekend we've planned that's been cancelled.

i guess it's an improvement that this time she actually meant to come over.

i'm sad but it'll pass. i just got upset over the "lost time" and my disappointment from eagerly awaiting a lovely weekend with her. and because i feel bad for her.

but she actually said "mä oon pahoillani", which i'm not sure if i've ever heard from her before. i think it's really hard for her to admit she "screwed up" - which she didn't, not really, she's just really unwell and i totally understand that.

and we will do fun things together and spend time together like we've talked, we're going to go to Myllypuro for a weekend of One Direction blu-rays and everything and she'll come feed snakes and pet kitties and we have our Korkeasaari trip soon and she said we'll go see Cap 2 next week (i told her we need seats from the row with bigger leg area so i can writhe around in my seat better) and i'm still determined to sell the Scotland trip to her.
and there are plenty of good "signs" about, too, so i must hold on to them and not sink into self-created darkness. she needs me, she needs me to be strong for her.

and i will carry her over fire and water for her love
and i will hold her closer, hope her heart is strong enough
we will find our way through the dark. together.

because she's carried me so many times i've lost count. she's not heavy, she's my friend.

my love must be stronger, bigger, brighter than her illness. i will cast it aside by any means necessary. AS SOON AS SHE LETS HER GUARD DOWN SO PEOPLE CAN COME CLOSE AND HELP.
i'll break down the walls, dammit.

last night when she played the piano and sang (about one-sided and/or shy loves...), i lay on the floor in the corridoor adjacent to hers and cried because angels can't sound better than she did.

'cause that's where i belong

Monday was really, really bad.
i could write a lot but i want to focus on good things and my meds are making me tired and unfocused.
but anyway, my crush and i and our friend were hanging out after work at an art supply store, and i wandered off to look at their plentiful supply of knives and blades while they were busy looking for new colour pencils. just as i was about to leave the sharp loves and go see if they were ready, my crush vame up behind me and snapped, "miks sä katot veitsiä?! IHAN OIKEESTI...!" her low voice made it sound twice as bad.
i twirled around a little, not knowing what to say or how to feel, and then just made my way towards our friend while my crush followed in a huff.
later that night at home we had a three-hour WhatsApp chat during which she called me off for looking at blades while in company of friends, that that's the last thing you do with friends, that i complain about knives lying around at work as triggering and then go straight to the knife section myself. i snapped back that if i'd wanted attention i'd have bought the damn surgical knife. her anger was, apart from worry which also comes out as anger in her, caused by a miscommunication between us, and she mellowed out after we straightened it out. she said she was sad for me, because i have a contradiction in my head that hurts me.
we talked about my hopelessness and when i asked if she think it's better that i stayed alive in January she replied with an emphasized "on."

on Tuesday morning i sent her a message about how i woke up at six because of my own anxiety and how i'd cried my eyes out at some point during the night (of which i have no memory, i was all drugged up at that point and just comatosed for six hours), and then pondered why i'd felt the need to tell her that. "on vaikea olla kun ei oo mitään syytä olla."
i worried she'd be cranky as usual - talking to her before she's had coffee is potentially self-destructive - but she replied with "kaikki syyt olla."
i love the periods. she rarely uses them so when she does, you know she's really serious.

i had an out-patient clinic meeting with my favourite instructor coming along to help me tell my nurse how much worse i'm doing than she thinks (and i hated every minute of it, i hated hated hated it, but my crush has been harping on me for months to do it and i want to get better for her sake if not my own, so i went along with it). before getting there i messaged her pondering if she'd like to come over during the weekend to help me clean, just to keep me company and maybe paint her nails or whatever. i added i feel it's a stupid question but that maybe it's because of my general state of being so i won't apologise. i heard my phone beep a response but i didn't dare look at it. the fear of rejection is strong in this one.
when i got to work she came to me for a tight hug and asked me how it went, and i moaned "kamalaa! piti taas puhua siitä isosta keskustelusta." and she said aww and hugged some more.
and she was happy for me when i told her i've finally told the truth to my nurse and that Anis can vouch for me, and at that point Anis came to us all enthusiastically and said yes, yes she can! my crush said that's really good.
i then braved to look at her response on my phone, whilst she sat next to me, and her saying yeah she'll come made me really happy. i sent her a squeeful response even though she sat next to me, and when she saw it she smiled to me, "ihan pöhkö viesti!"
we also had a really amazing, laughter-filled discussion about painting with one's genitals. she desgined a whole art course around the idea and we all roared with laughter.

in the afternoon i thought i was going home so i went to hug her (lol, we have "aamuhali!" and "kotiinlähtöhali!") and thanked her for asking about my appointment, it was nice that someone cares, and also thank you for yesterday (for sticking by me when i wanted to go kill myself and when i made her really upset by accident). i mumbled these into her shoulder and she nodded her response to mine. and she added we'll see tomorrow and on the internet tonight, and she kind of laughed in a good way at that.
i hung out with the remaining people a bit more and moaned about wanting to buy an ice cream but not having any money, and my crush piped up that she can buy me an ice cream. i looked at her with raised eyebrows and hopeful eyes and asked if she's serious, and she said yeah. (on Monday she bought me a hot chocolate after watching me wallow in my misery for half an hour, and brought it back with whipped cream, and when she hugged me i almost burst into tears. she's broke as hell, too, and she bought me hot chocolate after complaining i'm not fun to hang out with because i just sit there silently with my sunglasses on. i felt loved. and hot chocolate has always been my mental health improvement drink.) i was excited about the ice cream, but on a subconscious level also about the fact that i didn't have to go home alone and could instead hang out with her!
we ended up hanging out at the workshop and then idling along on our twosome to the nearest shopping centre, where we wound up at Tarjoustalo.
she was looking for garden tools and a saw and everything, so we browsed the shelves containing tools. or, she browsed and i followed her like a puppy, not even focusing on the shelves but her. i glimpsed a big carpet knife briefly but it didn't really register in my mind, apart from my recognizing it because my own knives are the same but smaller, but then suddenly my crush kind of snapped out of a trance to brisk attention and said woth soft edge to her beautiful voice, "mennään pois, tässä on veitsiä." i stumbled after her and saw her look back at me with kind concern to see that i'm okay, but i was so moved, SO MOVED i couldn't even look at her. my entire stomach did a somersault and my eyes were burning a bit and i kept my gaze on the low shelf i was passing.
i am so fucking addicted to being cared about. so fucking addicted, seriously.
she bought the most epic jeans ever from Seppälä kids' section, they're lilac pink! when she came out of the fitting room i couldn't even look at her upper body anymore (and i do love looking at it), her lower body was so en pointe with the skinny jeans licking her gorgeous legs and the bright colour just drew my gaze to it even though i tried to look at her face for even just a second (because it's one thing that she's okay with my crush on her, i don't think she'd like me to drool her divine legs at a clothes store). i told her she HAS to buy them, and then asked her not to leave me alone for too long because i'd already found three nail polishes to buy. she laughed and said she's sorry. i made her buy another pair of jeans as well.
goddammit those legs...! ugh.
if i could get an accurate marble or wax statue of her i'd never leave my room again.
i bought her a nail polish she wanted to repay for the hot chocolate and she got all thankful and i was baffled and felt good.
we went to eat at Chico's even though it meant she'd be late for her shopping date, and we had fun and she said i'm pretty cute. and she laughed when i laughed at her stupid April Fool's, "tää ei oo pöytä!" as she stuck her finger on the table. "haha, nauroit!"
and when i praised her, several times throughout the day about several different things, she always seemed really touched and said thank you in a moved voice.
i would date the fuck out of her. why is she so cute and so unattainable?! Universe, you test me truly.

we didn't see yesterday, but on the bus there was a woman whose profile was just like hers was from my favourite hair phase of hers (we've dubbed it "mäyräkoiratukka" but it was gorgeous and she was sexy as fuckkk with it - not that she isn't now...), so i stared without shame through my sunglasses.
//sunglasses, ah, cover up my green eyes...//

today when i attacked her with a demand for morning hug, she held me tight and said i have nice perfume. she said the same last Friday when we were hugging and i was crying about my bunny and the fact that she was comforting me, "sä haiset hyvälle."
i love that we have discussions while we're hugging. i love that she gives me long, tight hugs and sways along as i do and pets my back like i do, and puts her face/chin on my shoulder like i burrow my cheek to hers. even this afternoon when she was in a really bad hurry to leave, i ran to her and she let me hug her.
and she wore her pink jeans - "PINKIT FARKUT!" i shouted when i noticed them - and a Jaws shirt and ghetto hoop earrings with latina-style slicked-back hair and she'd painted her nails with the polish i bought and made them The Winter Soldier -styled. i wish i'd got a photo of her but she rushed off before i could ask. she would have let me, though. i love that. i love that she lets me take photos even though she knows how much i adore her.
and we had good discussions today, particularly about Captain America, which i spent all evening yesterday with and which we fawned over on Facebook (i had over thirty notifications in total from her, lol), and i enthused about her coming over on Saturday and her face got all deviously amused, "muistatsä mitä viimeks tapahtu? mä laitan sut oikeesti siivoamaan sit!", and we'll go see The Winter Soldier tomorrow probably and we'll go have a VIP tour at Korkeasaari in a few weeks and ohhh...

i just wrote a post on tumblr about how i still feel hopeless after Monday but this text implies otherwise. maybe it's in a state of fluctuation right now.

this afternoon our boss was musing what to make the remaining little posse of us do, and then she said cheerfully, "pelastetaan maailma!"
it ended up meaning that i glued some clippings on cardboard before sliding over to my crush's side to colour colouring pictures with her. i love Thursdays. ... WHOA HOLD THE FUCK WHATTT did i just say that? after all these weeks of anguish and tears and emotional pain over Thursdays. yesss.
my crush saves my world.

aaand she just reblogged a photo set of Sebastian Stan on tumblr with tags that ended up being hardcore porn and i feel weird now. all flushed.
i sent her an asdfghjklöä-ish message about how she should write more and is there nothing she's not good at dammit woman.

i swear she's going to make me spontaneously combust one of these days.

cause of death: tumblr, tapeworm feelingsss and pink jeans.

i love that One Direction's Diana, which i've been jamming to lately, can also be sung with her name.

"it,s only been four months but
you've fallen down so far"
how could someone mislead you at all
i want to reach out for you
i want to break these walls
i speak a different language but i still hear your call

let me be the one to light a fire inside those eyes
you've been lonely, you don,t even know me
but i can feel you crying
let me be the one to lift your heart up and save your life
i don't think you even realise
baby, you'd be saving mine

we all need something
this can't be over now
if i could hold you
swear i'd never put you down

baby, you'd be saving mine.
a good thing about BPD (oh, yes, there are some!) is that the tiniest positive things feel great.

i got up in the middle of the night to check on my phone and went on Facebook for no good reason, and saw i had two new notifications. because two is a low number, i figured they'd just be something random - if it's twelve new notifications, then you can bet your arse it's been my crush. i always say "[crush's name] was here" when i see that.
i said that last night, too, mostly out of stupid hope.

and they were from her!

she'd liked a stupid infatuated puppy love comment of mine from two days ago, the lack of whose liking i'd felt bad about because of course i see how everyone else's comment has been liked. it feels like an intentional slight, which it often is - a sort of an "I refuse to like this because I know the feelings behind it".

but now she liked it!
plus a status update of mine where i spoke of my new meds, which were a hot topic last week and even caused that drama and hassle on Tuesday last week.
a minute apart, too, so she's liked my praise of her face and then gone to my page.

and yes, i know these are infinitely small things. she probably doesn't even remember it anymore. (although i should probably stop being so quick to dismiss my things as too tiny to remember, based on last Friday and how she remembered all those small things i've spoken of aaaages ago.)

but we had a very long period of her not liking ANYTHING of mine on Facebook after months of her liking a dozen things at once, which she knew made me feel good, so every like and comment from her feels amazing.

... i just missed her so much while she was "away". i missed her scratches and tight hugs and sporadic e-thumbing.
i missed her loud, infectuous laughter that makes me bubble inside with joy and smile at her like everything in the world is brilliant.

she makes it brilliant.

i'm sorry if i say i need you
but i don't care
i'm not scared of love
'cause when i'm not with you i'm weaker
is that so wrong?
is it so wrong?
that you make me strong?
ohhh God so much everything. asdfghjklöä.

i already started typing this on Saturday but then my crush and i had a minor spat and it put me off. and when we got over it i felt too good to focus on one thing; i preferred spazzing all over.

we went to check out the Tove Jansson exhibition on Friday with the workshop. i loved the Moomin parts, my childhood. there were a few other art pieces i really enjoyed, too, and i have all thhis newly found respect for openly gay people because i haven't got that far just yet. I WOULD IF MY CRUSH WOULD GET ON WITH THE PROGRAMME DAMN IT. krhm.

then we had kässäkerho, and it was just us four. i like it. the less people around, the more i like it.
one of our friends got bored at one point and went home, so we dwindled down to three and a slight lapse in fun was recovered when i asked my crush whether she'd be with Chris Evans or Sebastian Stan if she could, and our friend suhgested we play Kumman kaa olisit mieluummin...?

it got quite randy quite fast. i loved it.

you don't know what electricity is until you've had your crush stare at you straight in the eyes from a metre away and ask in a steady voice whether you'd be with James McAvoy or Keira Knightley from Atonement.
i rubbed my feet on the chair i'd propped them up on and squealed she did it on purpose, and she laughed yes.
we also had brilliant discussions about picking Charles Xavier or Erik Lensherr - you'd get awesome kicks from Charles's psychic abilities, but then Erik controls bloodflow through his iron powers and thus he creates a nice buzz in areas that need it.
i flipped my feet apart as i was pondering whether to pick Erik or Charles, and then we laughed "molemmat mahtuu, on tilaa!" oh God i just want herrr damn it. i kept waiting in fear when our friend would pick my crush as one of the options in a question for me.

at one point our friend laughed we'll soon have a threesome orgy in there, and my crush and i just sat quiet, and the awkwardness was tangible in the air.

then i had to go ask about our not going to see Captain America together like my crush enthhused once long ago, and she said she wants to go alone with our friend.
you could see the mood plummet. we tried carrying the game on, but then i just got up and walked away to have a cry in the empty dark dining hall. i heard her call out at one point, "Noora mitä teet?" but i couldn't respond. i was busy trying not to cry; the situation we're in, my irrational and insane jealousy towards our friend for getting to spend more time with her, everything... the fact that i couldn't radically accept the situation like i'm supposed to.

after some time she called out she wants to go home. it was like ten o'clock at night already, and she was supposed to go to some party at six or seven, and she had an early rise the next morning.
i slumped back and started gathering my things, and she asked why i'd got upset and if i want to talk about it.
i tried, but it was so hard to voice all the things that she got frustrated and walked off banging things, as she is wont. thafully our friend was there and kept us talking, told me not to let her walk away and tried voicing my emotions and thoughts to my crush. thank God for a friend with BPD too!
we touched upon topics like my Thursday angst, the intervention and how i've been left feeling bad, how i miss her...
it was choppy and tense; my crush was frustrated as usual and i was crying on the floor. it hurt. well, duh; i rarely let people see i'm crying.
i kept wanting to reach out towards her and ask her to come hug me. she kept wanting to walk out with doors slamming. i love her so much for staying anyway.

a minor thing that surprised me a lot: she remembered the book necklace i enthused about a long long time ago. she asked me to use 'the chain analysis we've been talking of putting in the book necklace for you' to analyse the situation and what really happened and why i'm upset.
i last spoke of it in December, and she only ever liked a comment or two about it on Facebook. and she remembered! and said we've talked about it.
if you saw me now you'd see me smiling giddily, almost hugging myself.

somehow the situation thawed and i started managing mirth again, and our friend made me yell and cuss at them, and then we threw a ball at each other 'til we laughed. we took turns ranting about things we're angry about, although i didn't do a good job at it, and my crush tried to get me to express anger towards her by claiming she's better in English than i am, and likes Elsa and Ariel more. i just laughed.

it all defused and we were talking with me standing by her side and i just stepped into her arms and hugged her tightly for a long time. i'll never forget how her rib cage felt inside my arms, so tiny and so compact and so strong. and how she held me tighter too when i squeezed her tighter.
a fifteen-euro hug; i gave her money for food. she half joked it makes her feel like a prostitute, and i told her to shut up.
we then talked of her difficulties, how her finances are fucked up and why it's so fucking hard for her to deal with. i tried to hug her because her eyes were moist, and she told me not to, she's feeling too proud.
she said she doesn't like to ask for my help because she knows i'll say yes, and then she feels like she's using me because she knows i say yes and she worries it's because of my infatuation towards her. i told her no fucking way, i'll say no if i don't want to or can't. then she said another reason is that she fears the response will be a condescending laughter, "help YOU?! why would we do that?!" i replied to that with an incredulous gape and said i'd never fucking do that, that's not even a realistic option from me.
we also talked about how she's scared something she says, something negative (annoyed, angry, frustrated, etc.), will make me go hurt myself or even kill myself. i frowned and said it doesn't work that way. she asked how it works, then - i still haven't managed to get rid of it and have knives in my bag and...
i just felt really sorry.
i tried to remind her of all the times she's said something bad to me and i've been really upset and the i always come back an hour later anyway. i told her her saying something bad feels "this bad" (i showed her an inch or so), but her not talking to me for weeks because she's wary of talking to me feels THISBAD (i threw my other hand high in the air to indicate something larger than me). she looked at me with a thoughtful sad face.

we made our way homeward at 23.40, me and my crush all drained from being upset and crying. but we hugged and laughed and everything was okay, and when our friend asked me, after my crush got off the bus, if i felt the chat was better than the intervention one, i said yes. because i felt we actually talked about things and resolved issues and i got to hear from my crush directly how she has her issues and it's not my fault, and i felt like she listened to my feelings too.

My Crush: -- mä oon luvannu monta kertaa että mä en lähe.
Our Friend: Mieti kuinka monta kertaa mäki oon sanonu sulle ettei MC lähe, ja nyt se sano iteki.
N shedding tears on the floor in a heap: Mut missä välissä ihmisiltä sit palaa pinna?
MC: Multa palaa pinna koko ajan! Mut se on mun ongelma, mua ärsyttää kaikki.
N: Nii mut silleen... tulee mitta kokonaan täyteen... silleen... *gestures wildly and vaguely away from self*
MC: Mut niin ei käy.
N: ...
MC and OF: ...
N: ... Mut se on mun pelko.
MC: Niin on! Mut ei niin käy.
N: ... ( ;____; ♥ ! )

an act of love can thaw a frozen heart.

my internalised lack of trust in people is a big defect and a continuous burn wound, so to have balm for it is beautiful and important.
i love her.

so then on Saturday i sent her a message asking her to trust me and i try trusting her. she replied with a tired 'didn't we talk about this yesterday already', and my mood fell several storeys and i replied with a curt 'i guess we did then'. i remember so well how i felt when my iPad notified me of her response while i was here typing this; my immediate thought was that this is what i get for trying, why do i even bother, ugh, so much for our good relationship again, wow she lasted long...
it then veered into a chat about how she tires of constantly hearing how she's important and how i care, yeah yeah, and i snapped back that i worry i'll die without telling people how much i love them. she said if i'm trying to say i've thought of killing myself often then i need to say so and not hint around, and i said yeah i've thought of it a lot and i had that episode with really low blood glucose at night, and she wrote a pissed-off response about how i'm the only type 1 diabetic in her life that has problems with blood glucose because i can't be arsed at all to take care of myself and that i don't eat. she said several times how she doesn't care, she's no interested, whatever, i can do what i want, she doesn't care.
i said "toi sattuu" and she replied "tiiän." with a periiod and all. i said "pöhkö" and she said she can't be bothered to carry on talking, whatever. i blew a fuse and cussed at her for just wanting to make sure we were on the same page, have a nice weekend.
she came back a little later to say she was mean because she's tired, but yeah. i replied i know, that's why i said she's pöhkö and not that i'll go cut then since it's all the same. "halataan kun tavataan."
i got back a special heart emoji (it's important because i haven't got any sort of hearts lately, and because she actually had to bother searching for it to send it to me, instead of just typing lessthanthree).
it made me feel good.
and she wouldn't hang around to rebuff my efforts or keep retorting again and again huffily how she doesn't care if she really didn't. the lady doth protest too much.
i think i rub her the wrong way by talking of things that upset her and make her worry, and she retaliates by getting pissed off, and then she says things she knows will hurt me (she said so herself, that she does that on purpose when she's upset).
i know she loves me really. if she really didn't give a fuck she wouldn't sit with me for twenty minutes repeating it over and over again and get upset over everything bad i say. she's just go, doors slamming.

and today i bought tickets to the One Direction concert i was so upset over missing last November! yesss. the one where we were meant to go with my crush and where she searched tickets for me for weeks after i told her to give up.
the one thing BPD is good for: i had no qualms about purchasing tickets to a concert in another country and plane tickets there and back in twenty minutes. lol.
it didn't hurt that my crush liked a gazillion things on my Facebook again, mostly relating to the concert trip but some other stuff as well. like, i posted three pictures of Curry and apparently Facebook posted them as one status, but she still went and liked all of them separately. SHE HASN'T LIKED MY THINGS IN AAAGES. she's been really unresponsive. i presumed she'd hidden me, but she got angry when i said so much to her in a nonchalant manner. "miks sun eka oletus on heti et mä oon blokannu sut?!"

i then reached a new low point in my obsession over her when her friend posted a pic of her smiling lovingly at a dog in her lap, cuddling close to it, and it took me a moment to realise the anger i was feeling was jealousy over not being the one to be smiled at like that. i was upset over a fucking dog getting her affection.
i want to sit in her lap and have her cuddle close and look at me like i'm magic!

at least it was a beautiful picture. just like all the others are. i got to take several new ones on Friday, and i've been gazing at them admiringly all weekend.
she looked like a Grecian goddess bust statue with her braided hair and that ridiculously gorgeous nose. i asked to take some pictures of her pretty hair but in reality i just wanted her profile to gaze adoringly at home.

sometimes i feel like if we were characters in a book or a movie or television series, we'd be an OTP. we'd be the couple you see building up and rooting for and leading towards, but without being a tired trope and cliched as fuck. the one with humane reactions and slow building and everything.
the pair you spend several seasons angsting over; "WHEN will they be allowed to be together and be happy?!"
kind of like Bones and Booth. damn it how i cried when she was telling him she can't love him like he loves her, she's a scientist, she just can't... but she wants them to be friends.
that's like we are now. and now Booth and Bones are married with a kid.

sometimes i think (or wish) she's in denial, the way i was about my non-heterosexuality.
in reality i guess i'm the one denying facts. but i want to keep the dream alive, and i'd never disrespect her by actually uttering such thoughts to her.

but oh, how i wish we were characters in a book.
books have happy endings, though - i don't want a happy ending, i want a happy life. i don't want to be happy finally only when things end.

but she loves me, albeit not romantically, and we'll go see X-Men on our lovely twosome, and good things are abundant (WE ARE COMMUNICATING HA THAT IS A BIG THING FOR US), so no crying.

i said, hey, it's alright
if it makes you feel alive

oh, boy

aww, i was discussing a BPD book with a workshop fellow on Facebook, since GoodReads posted my progress with it on my newsfeed, and i'd commented on how BPD is a really demanding and hard disorder, particularly towards relationships, so it's lovely to hear someone wants to expand their understanding so they can be a better friend to BPD pals, and he said "sinäkin olet niin hurmaava ettei siinä mielenterveysongelmat paljon paina."

THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFULLY SAID. i have a lump in my throat.

people don't even know how much i despise myself so very easily, so it's heartbreakingly kind to say positive things about me.

my crush said today that she feels like everything i do is somehow a form of self-destruction. we were talking about my list of issues to take up with a supervisor and i asked for her input since she was the one to list my bad habits at the intervention, and she said that.
and she sounded dejected. sad.
i kept browsing the tool shelf and mused aloud nonchalantly that maybe i have such negative feelings towards myself that i'm subconsciously trying to get rid of the bad thing - in this case, myself.
she also said, as she was listing things she feels i should bring up in my discussion and all of them were already on my list, "ja must tuntuu et jotenki..." she paused and i twirled to look at her as i was walking to the tool shelf, my euebrows raised in a question. "ulkonäköongelmia kans", she continued in a neutral voice, with a concerned look on her face. i shrugged almost imperceptively and didn't know what to say because my mind was flooded with warring thoughts: "well, duh, look at my body, look at my burning red and pimple-filled face!" and a vivid photographic memory of how she called me beautiful.
she continued then, as i was silent, with "ku must jotenki tuntuu et kaikki mitä sä teet on jollain tavalla itsetuhosta."

but i'm getting help. so maybe she soon won't have to frown in worry over everything i do or say, not fret for my safety when i go to the toilet.

...i wanted to write more but i'm in tears over the compliment and the KNOWLEDGE, the feeling that's so strong it's almost physical, that i matter a lot to my crush. someone cares about me and wants me to be happy and safe and shows it so often to me. aww. ♥

hello, hello
my, my, my, what have we here
what a surprise, what a surprise
hello, hello
i'm not alone
it's good to know
someone's out there
to say hello

♥ x n

oh i will hold you closer

suddenly i understand very well why our friend was upset at me for ranting about my crush's behaviour to her continously.

today i got to sit on the phone for thirty minutes, listening to her rant and actually YELL at me because my crush was "annoying" to her today.
and it all started because our friend gave me a note telling me i shouldn't talk about my disorder and meds in front of my crush because it's annoying to her!
i got a little upset about it because i'd just been so happy about my new meds and the other efforts i've made to get better, and because my crush and i had an easy conversation not marred by miscommunications or my lousy feelings, so i just folded the note back up and headed to the toilet with it, where i was going just when she intercepted me with the note. i heard my crush say something about notes and secrets not being cool, but then i shut myself into the toilet and was too upset to overhear anything apart from loudly yelled byes. just when i'd started feeling things were improving and i was better at being sociable and nice to hang around with...!
apparently they'd had words while i was gone, and i also get that seeing me go to the toilet with my head hung low, all clammed up again, evokes memories of worrying situations in my crush's mind. i got over the upsetness pretty fast, but i totally understand that she probably thought otherwise.
when i came back my crush was the only one left, and she asked me in a voice tinged with a shade of tiredness/anxiety what the note had said. i read it to her and she ranted to me for a few minutes how our friend shouldn't presume to know how my crush thinks, or to speak for her, that she'll say herself if something annoys her...! i laughed, half incredulous, that if even I, I! of all people, have started learning and trusting her to say if something's actually wrong (instead of my just thinking so), then why can't our friend? and later i added that it annoyed me that our friend had butted into my relationship with her, something that's between us (and therefore something my crush and i ought to handle ourselves, like we have done for the most part, and i also feel like it's a special relationship to me so i felt threatened by someone, who just two months ago blew things up so horribly between us, butting into it again. she meant well, yes, but so she did last time as well.), and my crush agreed.
i remember last year when this same over-concerned friend told me off for spending time with my crush, that she's bad for me and keeps hurting me, and i took this up with my crush directly, and my lovely object of adoration said that if problems arise then we'll take care of them, that we can't allow my illness to dictate my social life and shut me out of all friend contact. i still remember it so well, and i still believe in it - i do panic quite often that THIS TIME i blew her fuse for the last time, that this was the straw that broke her ever-enduring back, but every time we work things out, or better yet get past it without mentioning it again, i remember her words and how they made me feel SAFE. that we will take care of any problems that arise. and come on, after all the shit this winter and she still kept reminding me she still wants to be my friend...!

i tried to explain to our friend on the phone that my crush just is that way, you get used to it, and her rant was probably triggered partially by her feeling she was helped with something she didn't need help with, which she HATES, and partly because she was being protective of me, knowing i've had a hard time lately, but nooo, our friend just kept raising her voice at me, saying the same thing over and over again and actually asking me several times why i put up with my crush's shit.

i tried saying that my crush is ill, just as we are, and that this is her way of manifesting it, and that we need to be understanding, just like she has been towards us. towards me. i said there have been shitty moments between her and me that our friend doesn't even have a clue of, and still my crush is there for me, so i'm "forced" to be lenient towards her acting out.
i tried saying my crush is doing really badly, she's in really bad shape.
i tried saying that i'm learning to deal with the bad moments, and that when she's good, she's really good.
i tried saying that that's the way she is - one moment she's saying something sucks or that she hates it, and next week it's okay. (literally; last week she told me not to scratch her shoulder blades when we hug, it's annoying, and today when i did it once again and said i'm sorry, i keep forgetting, she said no, it's all right.)

no, no, no. our friend is pissed off and when i told her to take this up with my crush (you know, instead of me, because what can i do - except inform my crush of all this, and i don't want to do it because then everyone'll be pissed off and my crush will feel like i interfered), she said no, she wants to wait and bottle her annoyance 'til it's so big it just explodes and she can have a real screaming match with my crush. i said i can see them at it - and that i don't want to be present for it. it's one thing to have a BPD person blow up, but my crush... when she gets REALLY riled up, she's lethal with her tongue.
plus i don't want her to blow her fuse like that, because she's exhausted enough as it is. it'd take such a toll on her.

but a part of me is still really pissed off at our friend for all things she did wrong (and i'm trying to forgive! but it takes me time because i'm still hurting a lot from it all) and i really don't get her blowing up like she did on the phone - DON'T YELL AT ME WHEN I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU FEEL BETTER - except from a purely BPD point of view, and it was quite offensive of her to say i put up with shit with the implication that i'm too smitten and daft to put my foot down (i do put it down! but i do it privately with my crush, not with our friends present because it'd feel awkward), and i resent her saying such mean things about a person i love more than anyone else, who has been there for me even when i've been so out of order i was landfill material, who has only ever got upset at me because she hates to see me destroy myself. i resent our friend not even trying to understand my crush's situation and subconscious behaviour motives and just simmering in her own annoyance stew. AND IT TURNED OUT IT WASN'T EVEN WHOLLY ABOUT MY CRUSH'S BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS HER TODAY - she was angry at people having told her to stop doing stuff like bring up meds and disorders all the time, and now that she tried to warn me not to do the same and my crush DIDN'T react the way our friend's family and others had done, she's pissed off at everyone "involved". i'm guessing she feels slighted, or that i got better treatment from my crush than i deserve.
look, if you want to ruin your friendship with her, and decline all my help, then i have to say you're free to ruin it. i'll be following the events' unfolding from my crush's back.

i really am thankful for our friend listening to me for several hours on the phone, crying out of worry and fear and exhaustion, and trying to help like last Friday by sorting out our miscommunications with my crush - but i never yelled at her and i always listened to other people's input and was readily admitting i may have been wholly wrong with whatever was upsetting me.
after what she's done to me, our relationship isn't strong enough to take shit like she yelled at me today. i like her but i like my crush a lot more, and on top of everything else my crush has treated me with dignity the whole fucking time, even when i deserved her venom and hatred.
i wouldn't test my endurance (nor my crush's) if i was our friend. it's not strong enough yet to take such a strain.

something's about to snap,and i don't want to be the one getting hit by the recoil because i'm not even directly and actively involved this time! and i will be pissed off if my crush gets hurt. i will be so, so pissed off.

TL;DR : make friends with mentally ill people, await for the drama to unfold.
i'm just thankful i wasn't directly involved this time.

i want to live while we're young

making friends with people who also have an array of mental illnesses is amazing, opens up whole new worlds and lets you connect on wholly new, better levels - but it's also damn tasking.

it's quite obvious what a burden i am to my friends - i think my crush stayed up all night because i was having a meltdown on tumblr and i know i drive her up the walls with worry (and i would do anything not to do that, not to be a cause of distress) - but they also weigh heavily on my shoulders and heart.

a mutual friend was pondering aloud on the phone what she needs to do with my crush to get my crush's things in order, and i cried out of worry and exhaustion and because i was thankful there's someone who has the energy to start fixing things AND isn't afraid of making my crush angry, which she will be because she hates admitting she needs help. i told our friend i'll be there the whole time, i'll do whatever i can to help, i just don't want to be the one to take up the issue and thus be the one to deal with my crush's lashing out in turn.

and during another phone call the same mutual friend was musing aloud that she wants to take my crush to her cabin in the neck of woods by a lake, away from everything, all the hustle and bustle, just to chill in the woods and play boardgames and spend relaxing quiet time with as little social (media) contact as possible. phones are allowed to be on but they need to remain on the mantle, she said.
she said we need to do this because my crush is heading down the same path she once walked, and it ended in involuntary hospital admittance and a lot of mental damage. i started crying when she said this because i know that if things go that far then it's really bad. i'd die of worry if she ever ended up in a hospital again.

and i know she keeps saying she's okay, but i can see everything's not fine and dandy and when i try to ask her about it she gets all locked up and upset at me for worrying.
so there's real danger there, and it upsets me a great deal.

i'm so happy i could cry that our friend finally came back to Helsinki - she's going to start fixing things and glueing us back together. (she literally was an interpreter between me and my crush on Friday when we had a miscommunication that made me cry and lose hope.)

and i'm also happy i have friends who are willing to go through that trouble and bother to help each other (i just recalled how my crush said, a long time ago, that i'm worth the hassle and bother and it made me cry because i worry i'm not anymore - and that i once was). and it doesn't hurt that one of the friends has a rich family with a fancy modern "cabin" (more like a mini-mansion) that we can take over for a week of private rehab.

after the worst waves had crashed over last night and i lay gasping for air in my bed, i started feeling remorse about the whole thing, and it hit me that given the right circumstances my relapsing could trigger my crush to relapse as well, and it could end very badly. people dying kind of badly. the thought hurt physically, it was so painful.

i find it hard to see any point of getting better for myself, which both my crush and our friend told me to do, but i guess i just have to use them, use her as a motivation.
i keep saying i love her, despite everything, but i need to show that to her as well.

we all need a break from the things that are eating us.

mine is loneliness.

cabin trip calling the four mouseketeers!

but i just sent a small message to my crush about a text (from here!) i'd like her to read, and she responded kindly and it made me feel better.
so we're not at the point where she reaches out to me, okay.
that hurts. that hurts a lot. okay.
but we can get there. i just need to be patient and push my constant fears aside and make more effort.
things feel a lot worse than they really are, and it really is very hard for a BPD person because it's such an emotion-based disorder to begin with, but i need to survive those feelings because they really are a lot worse than things are in reality.

like on Friday; she said something about my needing to stop wishing for things to get better and that i can't keep wishing to get back to where we were. obviously it distressed me a whole lot because i was already emotional and she worded it so that it sounded like she meant we'll never have what we once had. so i texted her quote to our mutual friend and added my worry about her possibly meaning we won't ever get back. at first our friend responded to my choppy texts but then she went silent. after a few minutes of worrying if i upset her now by using her as a crutch again i realised what was probably happening and started fretting even more: she was talking about this with my crush.
half an hour later my crush sent a "chillausta nyt kaikille" to our chat and our friend called me minutes later to tell me they'd spoken and that we've just had miscommunications again. she straightened out a lot of things, like why my messages go unanswered and whatnot.
things were a lot better than i'd thought. and i'd feared my crush would be angry to hear i've been crying to our friend, but everything's cool.

but i do so wish there was a medication for this disorder. i hate it. if i could pick which one to lose, depression, diabetes or this, i'd pick this without a doubt. the other two i can live with. i can medicate myself to treat them.
this shitty little thing just turns everything to poison and drives people away while constant,y worrying people will leave.

i have a crisis time for my doctor on Tuesday, i have to last 'til then. maybe i'll get a really good antipsychotic med prescription to help my escalating dysphoria. and my friend said to test a med that helps her sleep and erases her anxiety to totally manageable levels.

there is hope! there is a lot of hope.
i just keep not feeling it and then losing my way.


but thank you, girls, for loving me through thick and thin.
oh you fucked me up so damn good

so, so damn well

there is a special circle in hell for the likes of you. i hope you think of me then.
sometimes it's hard to exist.

that was good, to feel pain. to feel love.

i dreamt of her. i do that a lot. almost every night in some capacity (if i sleep, which mostly isn't during the night - the daylight is much safer to sleep in, if i sleep at all). sometimes she's just there as a random sidekick or does a brief cameo, or i just think of her. and sometimes she's my leading lady.

this time i was spending the night somewhere where she was as well, kind of like our workshop but not quite, a mixture of old school buildings and nightschools and whatnot. i fumbled on tumblr - "i lasted long, didn't i?" as i broke my just-imposed posting ban. she fluttered around like she does in real life, flitting to and fro with vivacity and energy, her loud laughter reverberating in my chest, my heart belting out a tattoo of a memorandum to it.

i felt anxious to be in contact with her, like i would in real life if she saw i came back to tumblr so soon. and i am anxious to hear from her, because things have been strained and i sent her a thank you at five in the morning without an explanation and if she's cranky when she wakes up she'll bitch about my lack of direction and lacklustre repetitiveness. (but i asked her last night while we were WhatsApping if my saying our relationship is doing "okei, ei hyvin mut okei" was alright, and she said yea it was.)

i had some sort of very interesting children's trivia book bit of information about a space object (Saturn, i guess, because of the rings, although i think we were talking of Neptune and Uranus - lol - more), and she seemed uninterested as she flitted by several times, although she cocked her head in my direction and gave signs of recognition. all night passed thus, i cocooned in my corner with my phone and tumblr and a wavering yearning to have her attention, her going past, busy with other things and people. quite like real life, actually.

at eleven in the morning she was finally done with everything else and came to me as i was laying myself down on a big mattress on the floor. it was ascetic to a fault: no sheet, one pillow per person, pyjamas consisting of underwear and t-shirts. i lay on my stomach, upper body and head propped up by my forearms, she was half-sitting, half-lying a metre to my side, lounging on her hip and thigh with my space stuff in her hands.
she flipped through the space object magazine, objecting to my information loudly. i felt sheepish as i told her i'd been trying to say the same thing she was saying now, and the air felt constricted as we looked at each other, her face on the verge of annoyance and disbelief. i tried to expel the mood by waving it all aside and laughing a little, awkwardly.

she put the magazine aside and settled down more, on her side facing me, propped up on an elbow with her hand on her temple (i can't remember how i dreamt her hair was, which is bothering me quite a bit now; i have three images of her in my head, one with her Spock hair, the one i love the most with that pale orange skunk stripe in her bangs that are pulled back with pins, and the semi-current pastel explosion of pink with random purple and blue stripe-y spots).

this sounds ridiculous, i know, but i keep smelling her scent as i write this. oh, olfactory memories. i never was good at fending you off. my heart is swelling in my chest.

anyway, in the dream we were looking at each other silently, i with my hands in front of me, my face on my forearms and she in her artsy pose. then she put her hand on my shoulder blade and scuttled closer by lifting and moving forth her hip and following it. i rose back into my sphinxy position, baffled. she almost smiled - her face remained sort of expressionless, but it was benevolent and her eyes say so much all the time. magical, fantastic orbs of light. they never miss anything, even if she doesn't let on at the time.

i became acutely aware of my short sleeves and her proximity to my arm, the fresh scabs and scars black and deep red and so attention-whoring on my pale skin and i furtively moved my other hand to cover the worst bit. she never even looked at them, she kept her eyes on my face unwaveringly.

i felt touched. and i woke up to find my right hand covering my left forearm, even though i wear a long-sleeved pyjama top exactly for this purpose.

i don't even know why i'm writing this down in such detail. maybe i'm just joyful i had such a lovely dream, a realistic one at that, and that i remember it still.

it's been hurting a lot to realise how big of a mess i've made of things between her and me. so any consolation available, i'll take it with wide open grabby arms.

and i know i'm stupid not to have realised the depth of our gulf before, when at the same time i'm achingly grateful that she's still there. she still speaks with me, even falls back into trying to help me way too often, she hugs me hello and goodbye - yesterday when we were hugging she told me to stop scratching her back because it's "ärsyttävän levotonta", but then added before i'd even had time to pull my hands away that i can hold on, and so we hugged like that for a moment (and how i love that she gives me long hugs, how she's noticed i'm never the one to let go first and gives in to my wish for a while every time) - ...
she said yesternight more than once "mä en jaksa", the phrase i've been dreading... and yet there she stayed. we kept talking for an hour after that and have spoken amiably since.

she said "mä en jaksa", she said at least thrice "mä en jaksa" in those exact words.
she cried at my intervention, she who never cries except at movies.
we've had words that keep stinging me at every opportune moment, washing despair over me and keeling me over in anxiety. i can't sleep at night because i get so upset and my heart hammers away, labouring for my oxygen-depleted body.
she isn't comfortable with me and my method of clearing the air.
she's tired and anxious about her own issues and has a short fuse that i keep blowing up involuntarily.

and she is still there.
she is still there.

she said "mä pysyn" and she's done exactly that.

i'm going to wrap this up now because i'm getting choked up. and when i'm not dying of my sadness and anxiety i try to remain optimistic and resilient and determined to fix things and close that gap between us.

she is still there and she's always been there and she is worth the fight and the effort. i need to become the same for her.

i don't always like her behaviour and her temper (or lack of it), but i do love her, regardless.

take me where she is

i happened to glance at the door just as she came in, and our eyes met, and i swear my heart jumped into my throat and missed a beat.

i was prepared for disappointment, except i really wasn't, so it struck me to hear we won't go have coffee. it was our thing, my thing with her, just us. my valid excuse to spend time with her alone.

i finished laminating, collected my knife bag and other stuff into my arms and walked briskly to the bathroom, head hung low. mostly because i ran into her on the way and knew what it looked like.
but no cuts at the workshop! they have a zero tolerance and i won't risk losing my only place of happiness for a moment of misery. i cut at night; the promise of cuts in the evening gets me through the bad things during the day.
but we've had similar situations before, and it doesn't help that i've carried my bag around like a teddy for the last two weeks, hugging it to my chest in times of need. anxiety relief, just to know diazepam tablets and a knife are inches away.

i cried for a while. it sounded horrible. i'm better at crying without noise, even though the full-out bawling is more cathartic.
then my phone buzzed.
"mitä teet"

i replied i'm crying, and she asked why. i said i'm sad, she asked why. i wanted to tell her but didn't want to burden her because it's been a stress point for us, and she got frustrated and said she won't pry if i don't tell.

i moved into the backroom to crawl inside the big red fleece snuggie. i always sit on the place where she sat when we had our big talk. after a while i sent her a message, a hug would be nice if you have time for it
i could hear her laughing on the other side of the wall, and shrugged it off - i'll get a hug later on, no big deal. but she hadn't seen my message and buzzed back Joo, and came to find me.

asdfghjklöä forst she perched on the armrest, but i pushed my things to the side and told her to sit next to me. and she wrapped her arms around me and i pressed my face to her shoulder and sobbed. and she kept rubbing my arm and back and saying soothing little things (after spitting my hair put of her mouth), and when i moved my head, she put her hand on the back of my head and petted it. "voi Noora."

the food bell rang before too long and she was hungry, but said it's okay if i don't want to eat. she told me to take a nap, since i haven't slept. said our workshop is a safe place, it,s okay to nap in there. i'll feel better after it.

before she left i whispered i feel like i'm ruining everything, and i could peripherally see her shake her head for a long moment before saying "pyh, ja pah".

but that hug...! ohh, man. i haven't felt that acutely loved in a long time. i know i am, i see it all the time in her actions (and others', too) - but right then i could feel it so strikingly vividly. you could practically see it in the air, in the nooks between our contorted bodies.

Anis hugged me too, after we'd talked once again about my anxiety and feeling bad. she said i have nothing to be ashamed of, and that i am a nice person, and rubbed my arm as well and then hugged me.
i know i'm almost 25 and she's just a decade older, but she's so kind and motherly, i just want to nestle under her caring wing. i feel cared about. i feel like i can't be a total fuck-up if she and my crush care about me so much, so voluntarily.

then my crush and i had a miscommunication that ended in tears again, but we talked it through - and i persevered, i sat tight next to her all the time except for the first time the tears sprung into my eyes, when i walked into the bathroom for a moment. i sat there with tears in my eyes, hard to swallow, and saw peripherally her look at me (at one point i almost said it's unnerving to be stared at like that, but it really wasn't, because it shows she cares and i yearn for that), and we had words. and then that was over.
i'm trying to learn that her annoyance isn't the end of everything anf that she forgives as quickly as she flares up.

and ugh at the way i could see people looking towards me when my crush and our friend were talking about their relationship - she added specifically that it's platonic. i kept my eyes on the floor and the same expression locked on my face and waited for the topic to pass.

and that friend who blew things up a month ago - i called her and we talked for an hour about how i've felt it was badly dealt and i've been left with hurt and upsetness. she acknowledged she hadn't been in the right, although she meant well and i know that - and what struck me was that they'd all thought i knew we were going to have a discussion. she'd thought i had time to prepare for it.
she said she'll talk with my crush and our friend about the whole thing. i know it's already in the past and everything, but i still feel really bad really often, and my own image of me is so flawed right now that i can't fathom my crush having a better image (she must have! but it doesn't fit into my head and thus i feel bad about it all).

but hugs and communication ♥
especially hugs.

i felt loved.

Feb. 26th, 2014

she said, if you haven't had cutting impulses it's good but if you have then you need to go to Aurora

i replied, impulses

she responded, a want
why are you playing stupid

i said, no but
does it have to be an impulse

she replied, if you want to fucking cut then it's all the same what it is go fucking get help

it was just that i didn't have the heart to tell her it's hardly an impulse anymore, when it's a daily habit.

... what a stupid phrase, "didn't have the heart". that's exactly what i had! i cared about her enough not to tell her what's really going on, because i know it hurts her. i feel fucking bad about a tumblr post that had blades and "party hard" on it; i went to post more cheerful reblogs just to sandwich the bad between better things so she won't despise me as much when she scrolls through my tumblr.
i know heart is a poetic way of saying courage in that phrase, and no, i didn't have the courage to face her wrath and hurt and risk damaging our relationship further. but heart, oh, i had heart.

i could easily have retaliated her forgetting about our meeting by telling her i cut every fucking day, several lines, ha, how about that, thank you for making me feel like shit for waiting for you all day long like a stupid puppy - but i love her more than that. did it hurt to be forgotten? yes. still does.
did she do it on purpose? no. and she was sick, on top of everything. and i think it hurt her too.


it was a discussion difficult enough as it was.

i have heart. i have plenty of heart for her.

i wanted to fucking quit cutting for her sake. i have heart.

let the storm rage on

... i wanted to say "everything's coming up roses" but i don't want to jinx it. but things are looking up, in a sudden flood of slight, semi-wary optimism.

i hope they aren't mistaken.

I'D FORGOTTEN HOW WONDERFUL A NEW PHONE IS. (well, duh, it's been over three years.)
i keep fiddling it and opening apps and just swiping back and forth and it's so prettyyyy and wittyyy and gaaaay!
it's so sleek and shiny and BRIGHT.
IT LOADS ALL OF MY MILLION TUMBLR DRAFTS WITHOUT A HITCH. both my old phone and iPad always shut the app down at some point, after ceasing to load the pictures.
and all my data and apps and in-app data and settings and whatnot, everything was put on the new phone so smoothly. it's like my old phone suddenly just turned all-around better and shinier.

and i finally get to update my ringtones, lol. the old one was synced incorrectly so i couldn't change the tones without losing all my other media.
i already went on a raid for Frozen songs, but then i love my One Direction ringtones so much...! and there's no way i'm changing my crush's ringtone, Through the Dark, as long as we remain a non-couple (which is forever, so...).

in a way it's really delightful that my crush doesn't dwell on the bad things. i've been moping all day because our brief conversation yesterday ended badly, and yet when i braved to send a message to our group chat she responded just like ever before.
i'm lost at sea with her mood changes in general, but i like that she gets over her anger in five minutes. it helps me feel more at ease.
like, on Tuesday when she snapped at me and i went all weird and had to blink tears away... i still sat with my head on her shoulder and after a moment she joked about something and we got the conversation going again.
and when i said i'm sorry the only thing that bothered her was that i was still thinking of the incident.

haha, my daily journal asked what today's buzzword is, and i replied with "phone" and my crush's name - "always [name]". lolll.

say goodbyyyyye
to the pain of the past
we don't have to feel it anymore
love is an open door
life could be so much more
with you
with you
love is an open door
it's a constant, never-endingly surprising struggle for me to keep realizing over and over again that the idea of love i've been imbued with is just that - an idea.

that real love includes fights, disagreements, tears over big things as well as nothings.

it includes the other person not being perfect, not a prince charming who magically shines sparklingly and is dashing at everything - the other person may be a princess sleeping beauty in flower pattern pants and have a severe mood disorder and need help for herself and not want it because she wants to be wholly independent.

it includes interventions - "no one was laughing at you, we're all worried about you!".

real-life love is multi-dimensional. and enduring. it has hiccups. it has meltdowns. but it's still there, it's still kind and forgiving and ready to be there for you after everything, after all this time and all this shit and all the subconscious self-sabotage.

on theory level this is all basic stuff to me. obviously it's like that!
but then on practical level i'm in tears over a stupid little mistake i made, and when i mention it moments later the other one gets all flustered over the fact that i'm still even thinking of it. (she actually said to me on Tuesday evening that "kukaan muu ei jääny miettimään sitä, ku sinä" - we were the only two there, lol.)
on practical level i'm panicking myself into a hyperventilation attack that makes me consider a DIY tracheostomy because i feel bad over something that happened weeks ago and has been dealt with, from her perspective, and forgiven and we've had plenty of good times since that. i'm actually losing my breath right now right here just thinking of it again. argh.

i spent an hour in the back room with my favourite instructor on Thursday - my favourite love-hate day! (i love the fact that we're so underpopulated on Thursdays, especially in the afternoon when almost everyone's at the ceramics class and just a handful of us remain at workshop, and my crush and i have our tsufetorstai, but my intervention was on a Thursday and in the back room and just going past the room makes me nauseated and i'm seriously not able to breathe well, just thinking of it... so Thursdays create a lot of emotions in me all at once) - discussing the intervention in a round-about way and why it's still bothering me and why it makes me so anxious and everything.

but another thing i'm starting to learn is that you survive.
you survive the pitfalls and the slights and the cruel words. you survive the tears and the shame and the blame. you survive the miscommunications, the clashes of disorders, the mismatched temperaments.
you survive to see her laugh again, you survive to experience a fantastic day driving around, you survive to be hugged tightly because you are perfectly fine in your drastic imperfection.

she said so prettily when she told me not to say i'm sorry, because it implies i want forgiveness for something, which in turn suggests that "sä et luota ollenkaan siihen että mä pysyn vaikka et oo täydellinen."

maybe it was the late night, our fumbling conversation connecting us via glowing screens in the dark, ten kilometres apart... but "mä pysyn" makes me weep because it's so beautiful.

and for the first time since foreeeeveeeer...
i actually almost kind of trust her to do so. to stay.
to stay through all my silent tears and sullenness, all my frantic need for love and affection and acceptance, all my inadept sociability.

it mean the world to me. i know it doesn't show because i can't even handle it myself, i can't process it enough to be able to express how amazing it is, but it is.

she is.

let's go crazy crazy crazy 'til we see the sun
i know we only met but let's pretend it's love
and never never never stop for anyone
tonight let's get some
and live while we're young

story of my life

Heureka's crazy exhibition was a big let-down. i do this every time: i work up a big expectation to be as thrilled as i was when i was a kid, and come away disappointed every single time.
nothing will ever top the dinosaur exhibition i saw when i was four.

about the only thing i did like was the eating disorder mirror - you could slide it back and forth to show you much thinner and much fatter than your real image.

and even that lost its shine the moment i realised i'm happy my crush wasn't there. i fret enough as it is about her thinness, i don't need her getting any subconscious triggers.
i gave her forty euro cash on Thursday for emergency needs, like FOOD. she was listing aloud things she has in her freezer to remind herself if she has food. i stared at the whipped cream on her coffee and hated the fact that we don't share a flat.

and for her birthday i'm seriously considering getting her a gift card to grocery store.

and a DIY gift card to the Harry Potter train for our fairy lights trip. (i love the code name it's got, all on its own. fairy lights is so symbolic and fitting and ah.)

and the most brilliant idea ever: my packet of blades with a heart-shaped post-it saying "not used in six months!"
which means i have Monday a week to cut my heart's desires for the next half a year (and the idea is, i guess, to learn to be without it for good).

i have great anxiety and doubt over this working. on top of all, i need a lot of help and support to manage without my daily fix, but i can't say a word to her because then it'll not be a surprise anymore.

my new phone came home today. it looks so weird. it's all sleek and white and shiny and slim. that'll change once i get the cases i ordered - ELSA! i've never got around to acquiring myself an Ariel case, and now i immediately got Elsa, haha - because every time i change the case on my current phone i'm struck anew by its thinness. the case adds a metre to it in every direction, although it's just millimetres thick.
IT HAS A FINGERPRINT SCANNER. and a shitload of apps like Garage Band and the whole shebang of office applications - I CAN DO EXCEL STUFF ON THE GO LOL - and aaaagh.
AND A WORKING SLEEP BUTTON. oh, it feels like such a luxury now.
and i'm very pleasantly surprised by the headphones that came along. they actually stay in my weirdly shaped ears and have great volume and the quality actually seems bafflingly good.
jamming to my One Direction playlist as we write. i named it "how many directions did it take to ruin my life", lol.

oh, God, the chills at DFWYB. brr.

the story of my life
i take her home
i drive all night
to keep her warm
and time is frozen
the story of my life
i give her hope
i spend her love until she's broke inside
the story of my life
i'm reaching the point where i don't want to cut, but i feel i have to because it keeps my head clear and i worry things will unravel again if i skip it.

i don't know if depression is pushing its way back and thus balancing out BPD. if only i could get them to be nicely equal; they'd negate each other out! depression is no emotions and BPD is ALL THE EMOTIONS. ugh.

i want to think i'm getting better but i fear it's just that the tidal eaves haven't been as forceful lately.

but i had an amazing, lovely day with the woman of my dreams and we'll hang out on Thursdays in particular from now on because we spend the afternoon on our own at the workshop, so it'll be convenient to slip to Arabia for coffee afterwards.
because she's been gushing about Putous all day, i sent her a meme with Antsku and Jäbä Leisson and the text "hitokseen mie romahan ko meil on huikee idis hei tsufetorstai". i got back a volumes-speaking "omg", haha.

it felt so... so good, so right, so absolutely meant-to-go-this-way to sit across from her, just half a metre away from her gorgeous emerald eyes and close enough to finger her pink-purple bangs and to admire her nail polish by taking her fingers in my own. and how we talked and laughed and bonded, oh, i loved it.

and right before that, we'd had a very interesting and important end-of-the-day discussion/question that got me quite anxious and upset, so when others were leaving she asked me, as i was staring at the ceiling and trying to breathe, if i was left thinking of something, and i said anxiety came rushing in really badly. and we talked about it and she was so comforting without veering away from being realistic and truthful. we talked about how easy it is to fall victim to years-old shame and blame and to judge oneself so harshly even though no one else does.
and she said she's really lucky to have such great friends now, that she can be herself without faking anything, amd that she means exactly me, and our other two friends.
i think a part of why she hung around to talk to me so easily (apart from, you know, our being friends and having had a good day together) was that i got so anxious during the group discussion that i had to hug my Hello Kitty toilette bag to my chest - the same bag she calls my knife bag because she knows it's where i keep my carry-on blade.
when i was getting up i couldn't, and i laughed the gravity is strong, and she came to pull me up and then said, "halataan" and we hugged so tightly and i loved it, and i pressed my cheek against her shoulder and whispered "kiitos", and all she did was nod her head several times against my shoulder in response and pet my back a little.
i could easily have felt self-conscious, because apart from her and me the only person present was our boss, who was present at my intervention as well and whom i really didn't need knowing about my infatuation with my wonderful friend. but our boss walked by us as we were hugging and i really didn't even care; all that mattered was that i was being held close to someone who loves me just as i am.
nothing was said of my bag after that, even though i took it to the toilet with me, and i had a coughing fit while in there and managed to sound like i was throwing up, which was awkward because she was in the other toilet on the other side of the wall.
i wanted to tell her nothing bad happened, but i didn't know how to bring it up.

but yay coffee tsufetorstait and lots of fun and we're going to Heureka today and she's going to come see my snakes some day soon and we'll go to our coworker like planned (my original plan, which she was informed of, entailed her getting a ride home with me, so she could come stay over at my place) and we'll go to Linnanmäki and Korkeasaari and we even briefly talked again of our Scottish trip (it involves fairy lights worn around our heads, haha, the best ever)... lots of good things!

i felt a little bad when i noticed i was left to sit on my own at lunch, and after it i sat on my own for a while to play my Frozen game, and then i just told myself, "you're being ridiculous, you're actualising your isolation all on your own right here right now, go and sit there with the others and participate in socialising!" and lo and behold it worked.

i'm a little proud. i've managed, several times now, to talk myself out of an emotion with good results.

oh, my beautiful wonderful little feminist with gems for eyes and drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey...
she acts like summer and walks like rain ♥

more random infatuation outpourings

i was moaning about my really sore wrist to Her, saying she can keep our mutual journal because i can't write in it anyway because of the sheer pain, i can't even hold a pen well, and her response was an immediate "miks sun ranteeseen sattuu" followed by "oonko missannu jos oot kertonu". not even punctuation, although she rarely misses using the question mark.

AND a little later in our group chat i said it REALLY feels nice to slice your finger with a knife covered in lemon juice, and she replied "öö" before i explained i was being sarcastic.

both moments felt awkward. i can see her worry in her text, and i agree that a normal friendship shouldn't have the regular assumption with such talks be that i've hurt myself. AND that i'm telling everyone about it gleefully.
i kind of wanted to ask if she thinks that lowly of me, that she thinks i'd do that, but i guess her assumption was that i have such a wish to share my hurt that i tried sliding it into the conversation casually but not overtly furtively.

we were talking today at the end of the day at the workshop about addictions; we went round the circle and people listed their addictions. i mentioned "terävät asiat" in between nicer things, and then i realised i have never said aloud, not even implied, that i'm addicted to the rush.
that quivering exhale that follows the sharp sting of the flesh, the cold stiffness in my neck, all the excuses and why-nots and pre-emptive cuts and how it's my immediate go-to method when i'm faced with any sort of upsetness...
i've been aware of the addiction for quite some time, but today was the first time that i said it. in a chopped, ambiguous, euphemistic manner. but i said it.

hi, i'm noora and i'm a hurtholic.

i wish she'd been there to hear me say that. she'd have been upset, and felt awkward and bad and worried, but also proud of me. maybe she'd have felt i'm progressing. (i don't know if i am; all my self-searching ends up with my getting depressed because the girl in the mirror feels like a separate person i don't even know, and my personality, my fundamental me-ness, feels like it's shifting to and fro like a jello treat on a stormy sea cruise liner's buffet table. but i'd love for her to have hope in my getting better. and i know she does, she said i'm not a hopeless case at all, but i want to show it to her, i want her to feel it. i want me to feel it, damn it.)
but a part of me felt slightly elated when she moaned she'd had four alarms ringing "ja noora oli soittanu enkä mä silti heränny".

... yeah, go figure.

but you know that smile people want you to have in portraits, the one where they tell you think of a person you love dearly and to imagine smiling at them instead of the camera?
i was walking home and for some irrational reason pictured her standing at the end of the road, smiling at me excitedly and waving at me in her random cute way - like we'd be meeting after missing each other. and it brought exactly that smile on my face, so freely, so easily, on its own before i even realized what was happening.
i've never been able to do that smile. i perfected fake smiling in general years ago, when i felt the need to hide my pain, i smized and everything - but that happy loving smile towards a PERSON, not my cats or anything but towards a person i love, that one i've never had on my face.

she brings out things in me i've never done before. suddenly i'm talking to people, or at least her, about my issues, i want to get better, I HAVE A CRUSH ON A GIRL for fuck's sake i love it and i'm happily bi i just never realized it until she came along, i can actually see her in my head and hear her voice when i've never pulled off any other crushes i honestly couldn't remember their faces or voices and here she is easy as sunshine even with her ever-changing hair style and colour(s) BECAUSE I CAN LOOK AT HER IN THE FACE AND NOT FEEL IMMENSELY INFERIOR IN EVERY WAY. she called me beautiful when she hated me, for fuck's sake.

and i wondered if this is because subconsciously i'm painfully aware of this being a safe crush. it will never actualise, we will never date, i'll never get to kiss those smiling lips or hold that bony but strong hand knowing she's "mine". so there's no fear of what to do if she responds to my feelings and i suddenly have to be half of a functioning couple, there's no worry of rejection.
she's okay with my feelings and lets me have them, lets me take pictures and talk to her at odd hours of the night and send a million tumblr notes to her.
i can have my crush, which makes me happy most of the time because she's so lovely and infatuation is a wonderful feeling like she said, AND i can have my amazing friend.

that's not to say i wouldn't do dirty things for (or to!) her lovely legs to be "mine" to admire freely (not that she seemed to mind it when she was ealking around in a top and panties, but i was too embarrassed to gaze openly, and anyway...).

and oh, girl, dat ass.

and her voice! she laughed on Saturday evening that she's singing so loud, she hopes no one's disturbed, and i replied with an indignified 'if someone's disturbed by your voice then they have a hearing issue!'.
choirs of angels seem to sing through her throat.

but like i told her: "oot tosi kaunis, mutta sun aivot ja sydän on ne mihin mä tykästyin :)"
now that she's back in the atmosphere
with drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey
she acts like summer and walks like rain
reminds me that there's a time to change, hey
since the return from her stay on the moon
she listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

but tell me, did you sail across the sun?
did you make it to the Milky Way
to see the lights all faded
and that heaven is overrated?

tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
one without a permanent scar
and did you miss me
while you were looking for yourself out there?

now that she's back from that soul vacation
tracing her way through the constellation, hey
she checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo
reminds me that there's room to grow, hey

now that she's back in the atmosphere
i'm afraid that she might think of me as
plain ol' Jane told a story about a man
who was too afraid to fly so he never did land

but tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
did you finally get the chance
to dance along the light of day
and head back to the Milky Way?

and tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
was it everything you wanted to find?
and then you missed me
while you were looking for yourself out there

can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
your best friend always sticking up for you
even when i know you're wrong?

can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
five-hour phone conversation
the best soy latte that you ever had, and me?

but tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
did you finally get the chance
to dance along the light of day
and head back toward the Milky Way?

but tell me, did you sail across the sun?
did you make it to the Milky Way
to see the lights all faded
and that heaven is overrated?

and tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
one without a permanent scar
and then you missed me
while you were looking for yourself?

and did you finally get the chance
to dance along the light of day?
and did you fall for a shooting star?
fall for a shooting star?
and now you're lonely looking for yourself out there

... i can't bold the parts i relate to because the entire song would be bolded.

damn, girl.
every time i dig out my blade packet i'm struck with the memory of how she sounded when she asked "tiedätsä miltä tuntuu lukea sellasta?!"

it's not very good because the guilt and shame just add to the already existing reasons to do it in the first place, but maybe one day i'll feel guilty enough not to be able to do it anymore.

... this same package of blades that she weighed in her hands when she was cleaning my room, the one that made her make sad faces and say in a heavy voice, "they're no' good for you, mon".

this same person who, during that three-hour phone call when we veered for a moment into talking of cutting and not doing it and (not) counting how long it's been, asked me when the last time was, and fell silent when i told her it'd been the morning of the day we'd last seen. oh, girl, i wore a fresh white shirt and everything. (i seem to be wearing the same shirt every time i go to her place. we joked i don't really change clothes. but it's a cute shirt!)

this same person who told me last November that it's better to cut than go kill myself; that if hurting myself keeps me alive, then she'd rather have me do that.

... fuck. i made myself so sad i need another round.

this same wonderful lovely amazing exquisite person i love more than anyone else and whom i keep hurting more than anyone else. i don,t deserve her love and still she loves me, still.

i hope she comes over for a night soon, or i go there. i have some serious hugging and tearful apologizing and heartfelt thanking to do.
i'm going to hug her so tight, so tight, and never ever let go.

when i'm feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
i look above
and i know i'll always be blessed with love
and as the feeling grows
she breathes flesh to my bones
and when love is dead
i'm loving angels instead

and through it all she offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether i'm right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
i know that life won't break me
when i come to call she won't forsake me


one more reason (among the thousands upon thousands) why my sleeping beauty princess in flower-pattern pants is the best ever:

she's in charge of all the design/layout/photoshop work and such at the workshop, and on Thursday she was putting together the label for our cat toys. she drew a sleeping cat on it, and looked at Google search images of cats for models.

she got so emotional about all the lovely cats that her own drawing of a sleeping cat made her whimper overwhelmedly.

i get (glucose-)high because of her.
I asked her if she believed in love, and she smiled and said it was her most elaborate form of self-harm.

goddammit that is so poignant and beautiful.

i keep going "yoooooooooooo!" and wondering where the fuck i've picked it up from, and then remembering it's one of her favourite tags on tumblr.
her tags give me life. there's more feeling in them than the actual post. often with capslock and a lot of swearing.

God, i love her.

one way or another

things i wanted to say yesterday but didn't:

how She never lets me buy egg-rice pastries at the store. we have the same debate/wheedling every time we're at a store together; i want them so badly exactly because i haven't had them in yeeears, and she keeps pulling me away from the bakery shelf or pointing out all the alternatives. it doesn't even matter when i say i won't get sick from one or two - they have egg in them so she says no.
she listed in the intervention as my self-destructive methods: "--et sä meet viiltelemään tai oksentamaan tai sä et syö mitään viiteen päivään tai syöt jotain mille sä oot allerginen--" and then she got upset when no one else seemed to think the allergy as a real threat.

how she said "sä oot kaunis tyttö" in her epic WHAT THE FUCK NOORA message. she was fucking pissed off, i've never seen her so royally upset and i've seen her angry plenty of times for plenty of more or less legitimate reasons, and she still said i'm beautiful. not cute or pretty or whatever. beautiful. granted, it was followed by less flattering words - given the context, i'm more surprised about the compliment than the other things -, but she still made the effort to say that.
it's kept me afloat a lot. the fact that at my worst, at my lowest, at the point she despised me more than ever, she still was on my side. just like at the intervention, where she spat words at me out of anger and frustration and worry and where she still complimented my efforts to get better.

how much love i get from her even when i least deserve it. even when i don't deserve it at all.
it's enough that i think of her, of her voice and her face, and i feel overwhelmed with love, both from me towards her and from all the things she's said to and done for me.

how immensely grateful i am to have her in my life. after all this time and after all this shit. always.
she is a light in the dark, she is a match, she is the spark.

the Universe was on an epic roll when she was made. ♥

Feb. 7th, 2014

because i want to write this somewhere and my journal is not up-to-date and all my other writing places are banned because She reads them and gets so upset about my cutting:


... on my level of experience, i mean. i'm sure a real razor blade would do thrice the slicing but i'm fine with what i have. i don't seek permanent damage, i seek an outlet for my upsetness.

i don't remember the last time before these blades that i'd have had to staunch the blood flow for minutes, or worry about the amount i seem to bleed out of me.

these are going to scar well. and by well i mean i'll never wear short sleeves again.

what a bargain deal these blades were, a twelve-pack for four euros or whatever it was. and they're so shiny, too!

... i can see why she got upset over my tumblr things. if i cared about me i would be upset, too. if these were her writings i'd be on my way over, tears choking me.
but this is me, these are my words and my feelings and my wounds so no.
but i can see why she was upset. she likes me more than i do.

"tiedätsä miltä tuntuu lukea sellasta?!"
i can imagine, now.
which is exactly why i wrote this here so you won't have to see it.

i like you so much i want to hide my pain from you. because it hurts you.

and if it's hurting you
you know that it's hurting me

(and i've hurt myself
by hurting you.)

"hurt" is such a strange word. look at it, for fuck's sake,

defying gravity

you know what?

thigh gaps aren't sexy.
seeing the vertebrae stick out from someone's back isn't sexy.

it's worrying as hell and makes me sick to think of it.

i just stared at them and thought "... no. please, please, no."

it's not sexy, it's not cute, it's not fun. it doesn't detract from her over-all awesomeness and amazingness but it makes me want to keep a keen eye on her wellbeing for now.

i guess this is how she felt when our friend was massaging my hand and rolled my sleeve up a bit and i jumped and pulled it back down, quick as lightning. no one said anytng but i could sense her stare at me, and our friend just sweetly rolled the sleeve back an inch and asked if that's okay, no farther.

and do i know how it feels to read about someone i love having accidents with dull and sharp blades? no. no, i don't.
but i know how it feels to see fucking vertebrae stick out of her back. i remember how it felt to worry about her health after she so casually mentioned arrhythmia.
i fucking lay on the floor and cried for two days. i had a meltdown and didn't recognize its cause back then. i literally lay on the floor at the workshop and cried, and when she finally came back to work i burrowed into her lap for an hour and spent the rest of the day within an arm's reach or stcuk to her legs.

she never cries at real-life things and she was crying for half of the intervention last week. the thickness of her voice when she barked out "tiedätsä miltä tuntuu lukea sellasta?!" is a blunt weapon that keeps pummeling me into bruises.

i feel good right now because i feel loved and things are going well, but if - or to be more precise, WHEN - i fall back into despair i want to remember her words, how she felt, the pain i caused her so i won't ever repeat it. i want to remember to reach out somehow.

i don't want to be a cause, even a partial one, for those vertebrae. i'd make a lewd joke about the thigh gap but this isn't the place or the topic for it.

i want to be a reason for her smiles and laughter, oh God that tinkling robust laughter, not tears and resentment.

it's time to try defying gravity.

love will thaw the frozen heart

aaaa Frozen why is it so good?! i just saw it again and it was even more amazing! the quality of the animation alone - you can see the textures of different cloths, like satin and velvet, and Anna's frizzy hair, and the fucking snowflakes and all the ice and aaaaaah.
and that soundtrack is, like, the best Disney soundtrack ever. ever. i love all the songs. i had to swallow tears at Do You Wanna Build a Snowman.
but this time Let It Go made me smile a whole lot! yay.
and goddammit the characters are amazing. the only one i haven't got into yet is Hans, because his change from prince charming is so sudden and hasn't even been hinted at, but otherwise aaaaaaaagh perfect cast. THEY EVEN HAVE A GAY FAMILY IN THERE AND OLAF IS SO SWEET I CAN'T TAKE IT AGH. some people are worth melting for. love is putting someone else's needs first.

love is an open dooooooooooooor!

i was smiling happily and almost singing aloud DYWBaS as i got off the bus, and then suddenly just slumped down into a hunch as it sank in that i have to clean my room, i promised, i said i'd have a motivation to clean it if my crush came to stay the night with me and she tentatively agreed. argh. plus we have a radiator remodelling coming up so i have to clean anyway. but i've been putting it off for forever - or, since my crush last stayed over and threw half my possessions into trash.

my head's all a-reel from everything nice. like, just today we had many nice things going on:

i got to play around with an exercise ball right behind her in yoga, so because i wasn't focusing on the poses (my back ached like hell so i was trying to make it snap back into place and stop hurting), i had plenty of fine vistas ahead of me. dat ass, girl, dat ass...!
she has the finest legs i've ever seen. i thanked God she didn't change into those filthy spare track suit bottoms she was offered, but kept her skinny grey jeans on.
there were a few times she was bent over from the waist, and she said hi to me from between her knees, "moi Noora!" and laughed. (i love how she says my name. so often and with such a feeling.) i hope those were the only times she caught me staring. we haven't discussed my infatuation's physical side and i don't want her to feel objectified. it's not her fault she's so smoking!
i also love how my phone changed "dat ass" into fatass as i was praising her gorgeous body. gee, thanks.

and after the end-of-the-day round, whose question was "mikä tuntuis hyvältä nyt?" (phrased by her) and to which i replied i want someone to take my shoulder tightly into their hand and punch a fist into the shoulder blade with the other at the same time and i also want hugs because i've felt low on them lately and haven't had the courage to ask for them (and my favourite supervisor told me to roll my chair closer and then she rubbed my back a little - "lujempaa!" i ordered - and hugged me and everyone said aww, my crush the loudest), she came to me and first tried to show me how to get the kink out of my back and when i couldn't press hard enough on it with my own hand, she took over by squeezing my shoulder with one hand and rolling her bent fingers on my sore spot with the other.
and then it turned into torture chamber when she found the spot and started pressing on it in varying pressures and finger points and told me to roll my shoulder at the same time. i kept swearing and sucking breath in in audible inhales and i think i bit my sleeve at one point, and my feet were trying to walk away from her but she held onto my shoulder so tight i couldn't move my upper body, except for the shoulder she kept rolling.
and magically enough it worked! i feel so relieved from the absence of pain i might cry if i think about it too hard.
the back ache was one thing, but her fixing it is comparable only to my coccyx fracture from last summer - i have never been in more physical pain. of course this time it only lasted five minutes, thanknfully - the coccyx took two months to heal and it kept smarting every now and then for another two months.

and when we were going home (after i'd played them Let It Go - "se sen ilme ku se juoksee sitä siltaa...!" i squeed emotionally, and She said "aww!" - and she sang Defying Gravity in her heaven-on-earth voice), another worker from the workshop was musing which vehicle to take, and my crush said she's welcome to take a tram as well but "mä haluun mennä Nooran kanssa samalla ratikalla". and the way she said it, so simply and emphatically...! i've been so bitterly jealous of her saying such things about other friends, but i realised today that i may not have been around to hear her speak of me, or i haven't given her opportunities to speak so.
it doesn't change the fact that she likes me a lot, does it? no. so it doesn't matter if i don't hear her say so very often.
and we're going to Korkeasaari for a VIP tour (take your children to work day just got a whole lot more interesting since my mother started working there; i get to go feed a gigantic hairy tarantula again!) and to Linnanmäki once it opens (we get free wristbands yay!) and she's going to design, make and bind a book just for me yays, and there's the potential sleep-over looming in very near future, and oh...

oh and the photos i took yesterday! agh. she posed so prettily for me when i asked if i can take a photo of her. and when i moaned i want a picture of her tights, she said "sitten hän ottaa kuvan...!" and haha it's the best ever she has a mock coy face on and is staring shyly at the ceiling and flashing her tigh at me brazenly at the same time.

so many lovely things, i'm running out of emotions for them. haha. almost! (my depression medication works too well. depression used to come over every now and then to flatten everything into dull grey numbness, now i'm just rollercoaster-riding from peak to bottom to peak.)

but yay lovely things i am happy i keep catching myself by surprise and every time i find myself smiling at one thing or another.
little things make me happy. a smile and a hug from her are superb.
and lol every time she says "huh perse hikoo!" (which is at least once a day), i have to bite down the words that are on my tongue, "koska oot niin kuuma!" i think you can actually see me just stare at her for a fraction of time and swallow hard. lol.

"many people say your name, but only one person makes it sound special. the way they say your name is special; you know it is safe in their mouth."

it's time to try
defying gravity!

Feb. 3rd, 2014

some nights i stay up cashing in my bad luck
some nights i call it a draw
some nights i wish that my lips could build a castle
some nights i wish they'd just fall off

but i still wake up, i still see your ghost
oh, Lord, i'm still not sure what i stand for
whoa, oh, oh (what do i stand for?)
whoa, oh, oh (what do i stand for?)
most nights i don't know

this is it, girls, this is war - what are we waiting for?
why don't we break the rules already?
i was never one to believe the hype
save that for the black and white
i try twice as hard and i'm half as liked
but here they come again to jack my style

that's alright (that's alright)
i found a martyr in my bed tonight
she stops my bones from wondering just who i am, who i am, who i am
oh, who am i?

well, some nights i wish that this all would end
" 'cause i could use some friends for a change."
and some nights i'm scared you'll forget me again
some nights i always win
i always win.

we're together, we're so good

i just came back home from a short visit to my crush's. i left home yesterday afternoon, lol. it was so much fun aaaaa! i love how she's so cool with us just hanging out at her place and staying the night - she has two mattresses just for us. and she fixed me up delicious miso soup with noodles, yum yum.

and this morning at the store i bought myself a tooth brush and tooth paste and she took them to her place, so i won't have to scrub my teeth with my finger any more, and she said i also need to bring her a bag with my meds and a change of clothing and PJ's, like our other friend has done.
obviously this made me squee inside. yay, more sleepovers!
yes, i know, we're friends, she gets anxious when people have crushes on her and we tend not to talk of my feelings, i think we both mostly pretend they're not there because to discuss them is basically a moot point since i can't erase them and she can't respond to them, ... but i still like this a lot. squee.

and we hung out at work all day today, baking cakes for tomorrow's party and just hanging out and doing arts and crafts and singing and playing a trumpet and having fun.
at one point i got a bit upset and went to the other room for a moment to clear my head, and after a few minutes i heard her call out, "MISSÄ NOORAAA?" and when i slumped back to them she said "tuli ikävä ku sua ei näkyny."

and she said i looked cute when our friend did my hair in a messy French braid.

and when we were hanging out, she scratched my shoulder again in passing, meowing at me. she hasn't done that in ages, i've missed it so much...!

and a whole lot of other nice things, aww!

i'm so happy things worked out. or, they haven't worked out yet but they're headed there.

i'm so happy i have these people in my life. they make me smile.
i'm so happy i have her in my life. she kicks up a storm of butterflies in the pit of my stomach and i'm getting really addicted to it.

thank you, Universe. thank you for her. ♥

so, girl, why are you tearing me apart

at the tender age of 24 years, 6 months and 13 days and 12 hours, i had to sit through my first intervention.

it was hell.

it was like being in court and knowing you can't win, you can't appeal, the judge, the jury and the executioner are all already decided on the outcome and it's not in your favour.

it was embarrassing. it was humiliating. i couldn't even look at anyone.

too many people were present, too much was said that wasn't really necessary to air right then and there.
i should have turned on my heels when i came in through the door and saw them sitting squeezed up on the couch side by side. it tore me apart, really; the way they sat so tightly next to each other, a united front against me all alone scooped up on the creaking wicker chair.

the few times i was given a chance to speak, i was interrupted constantly and there was so much i wanted to say but didn't have the chance to. what's the point in defending yourself when everyone's already decided you suck, you fucked up, you fucked up good?
but even at trials the guilty ones get a chance to speak their side. i was given but half of one.

i was done wrong and i have told the friend who put this all in motion that i'm angry at her for the way things unravelled - not that they unravelled, but the way that they did it. she said she understands completely.
but i have done wrong as well and as hard as it is for me to believe it, everyone else is acting like everything's okay. they said no one's angry, this thing has been dealt with and we will not return to the topic, we'll start on a new slate and live in the present.
i'm the only one choking up on my shame and guilt and sadness. i'm angry. at myself. and at them for not listening to me.

but i do see that they did it out of love and caring. my crush was crying even when she spoke out her frustration and anxiety in clipped, bitter sentences.

and the thing that hurt the most, even though all of this has been reeling and i've hacked my arm to bits just to get some of the anguish out and it really was hell yesterday and i get choked up every time i even think of it, the thing that hurt me the most by far was when my crush was talking about how i write on tumblr how i had a dull blade and then got a new sharper one, "tiedätsä miltä tuntuu lukea sellasta?!"
her voice, oh, her voice. she was upset and it was thick with emotion.

and i know i deserve the pain i feel at her hurting, because i don't know what it feels like to read something like that. i've never had anyone i love so dearly be so cruel to me as i've been to her.

and still, still she said, while the other two were blabbing out everything furtive i've ever spoken to or about them and i was dying inside of utter embarrassment, still she said that she wants me to know she hasn't told anyone anything about the things i've told her, the things i've said i've never told anyone before and it's made her really anxious about it, she hasn't even hinted at those things to anyone.
i appreciate that a lot.
and how she pointed out more than once that they're all still there, she's still there trying to work things out because she wants us to be friends and she hasn't given up on me.
i appreciate that as well.

and everything else as well.

i guess i needed this running face-first into a STOP sign at lethal overspeed thing.
the pain will fade, the shame will fade. i will forget the bad words and cold actions, but i will remember the love and caring i've been shown when i least deserved it. ("kukaan ei nauranu sulle, KAIKKI ON HUOLISSAAN SUSTA". oh.)

"my mama yells at me because she loves me!", you know.

i wish this had gone down a little differently, but i can't help it anymore and i have to admit things have still gone pretty well in the end. i could have lost them all. instead now we're all working on communicating better with each other.

when i feel less inflamed, i'll be glad this happened. we even had a really nice, comfortable chat with my crush last night on Facebook, even though it started with her getting pissed off at me once again. it ended with my posting her that sticker of Snoopy holding a heart happily to his chest.

and yet this morning i really almost walked into the busy rush hour traffic without even thinking of it, i always think about it when i'm crossing that road but this morning i had to stop myself from stepping over.
and when i was asked if things are okay now i snapped i don't ever want to talk about it.

and even now half of me really wants to get better and half of me just wants to remember how to fake a perfect smile, how to keep the bad things under covers. i went years without anyone knowing about my cutting and now i can't even go to the bathroom without three people interrogating me if i cut, did i throw up, have i slept, have i eaten this week.
maybe too much frankness hurts, too. it hurt her a lot and that in turn hurt me a lot.

so won't it be better for us all if i fake 'til i make it - and fake it even if i don't make it?
she has her own stuff to deal with, she doesn't need to tear her hair out because of me and my inability to like myself at all.

i'm compromising with myself by saying i'll work on recovery and resort to faking in the meantime as much as i deem the current situation to need it.

but, oh, God, her voice when she asked if i have any idea how it feels.

it cut me to the bone.

i'm shaking like a leaf and it's hard to breathe because my heart is too busy hammering out its fright to pump oxygenated blood around.

i'm sure i'll one day be glad this all happened, but right now i just want to punch people in the solar plexus for being shitty friends. shittier than i've been! and that really says a lot.

fuck you, fuck you very very much
'cause your words don't translate and you're full of hate so please don't stay in touch

you're tearing up my heart

i just spent roughly three hours (a bit at 12.10, then starting in earnest at 12.30, finishing up at 15.05 and then adding one last bit at 15.45) explaining my messes to my crush on WhatsApp.


my thumbs hurt.

plus a whole lot of circling the drain yesterday, whining for a chance to explain myself because the things she'd been told weren't true, or weren't as bad as she'd understood.
but three hours in a row, argh.

and it took a great deal of honesty, which meant admitting character flaws and dirty things i've done and felt, and a lot of courage because people have left me for a lot less than this.

but she said in her original WHAT THE FUCK NOORA message twice that she still wants to be my friend despite everything, that we can still be friends and i need to understand that.
and before i began to explain i said i don't want her to have to repeat herself but i do really hope we can still be friends, and she replied of course we can, that that's why we're airing things out now so no one is left with festering bitterness.
and when i declared i've done really shitty things but i'm not a hopeless case, she said "aina on toivoa :)"
those were really important to me. the knowledge that okay, i've fucked up big time and it's going to take work to fix things, but still she's there and willing to meet me halfway.

i wouldn't have had the courage or will to write anything if i'd felt it was hopeless and i couldn't fix things.

yesterday i reminded her that not too long ago she cared about me enough to be concerned for my wellbeing; and i am still that person, i'm still that nice girl that's fun to hang out with, i've "just" done dreadful things and been lost in a spiral of mental illness.

it takes a lot of energy and courage i don't have to admit weakeness and shittiness and fundamental flaws in my actions, behaviour, thoughts and feelings.
to say yes i've been bitterly jealous of you, yes i have clung to you like a leech, yes i wished you'd spend more time with and less with her.

but i guess i can't get any better if i don't accept my mistakes and acknowledge them. i can't work on things i don't know i need to.

and it is a LOT from her to accept me even after all i've done and all she thinks/thought i've done.
i got angry at myself, i really got pissed off at myself for all i've felt and said and done, as i was writing things out to her. it'd take a lot more from me to accept and maybe forgive. she's so much the bigger person here, i get lost in the dust.

the three hours and a twisted thumb are so worth the effort of fixing things i shouldn't even mention them here.

i wanted to cry, i wanted to scream and shout and kick and throw things and maybe bite someone just for the sake of it, i wanted to punch myself, i wanted to throw in not-so-cryptic hints about train stations and cuts and argh.
and instead i sat on my bed and typed typed typed. my heart hammered for the while she was online, presumably reading what i'd sent her so far, but her words of our still being friends kept me going. if she was willing to be my friend when she thought the worse of me than i really deserved, bad as i have been, then i have to believe she'll still be my friend now that i've straightened things and told her the real level of my horribility.
and i kept it honest, i think i explained myself without excusing myself, i told her even the things i hate admitting even to myself, i admitted several huge flaws in my reasoning and behaviour and code of conduct. i even talked about my crush at length because things relating to it were one of the things she was really upset about - and i was, too, because that thing was NOT true at all and it hurt me because i knew it hurt her a lot to think i believed the things she'd been told i do.

so fuck you to all my past behaviour enablers, you fuckwits of cruelty that made me inflamed like this, and a very hearty fuck you today to my "friend" who disclosed all my dirty secrets to my crush and twisted them into worse things.
is it good the dirty landry got aired? probably. i hope so, in the long run. i mean to get better.
was the way she did it the way it should have been done? NO. fuck no.
interventions take place so that the interventee is present! to explain and to defend herself when necessary. and so that unwarranted feelings and thoughts about the people involved don't have the chance to take root and flourish before things get straightened.

i understand getting pissed off at me for the things i have done and said wrong. totally. i'm angry at myself for them too.
but i draw the line at getting pissed off at things someone else makes people think i've done and said.

and to tell HER of all people of all the things i've so many times asked to keep quiet, so many times asked for reassurance that no one else will ever hear about them...
to tell HER about them when this "friend" knew it'd damage my relationship with Her and i've told her it's probably the only thing i can't imagine myself forgiving her, for intentionally ruining my relationship with Her, when the "friend" had expressed worry over doing exactly that and thus losing my friendship...
i'm not going to do the whole silent treatment fuckery, although i dearly wish to.
i'm going to be polite and in contact as much as can be expected of us working in the same place and having the same friends. but not a whit more. i do not want to have conversations with her about anything, not personal and not global news. i don't want to spend time near her. i don't want to take the same bus home.
i don't even want to hear her loud, grating voice right now because i have an escalating urge to punch someone.

it'd be different, i suppose, if she'd meant well. if she'd meant for things to come out so we can all work on them and get past them and i can get better.

but when you do fucking stuff like this out of malice and anger then fuck you. you're no better than the hell-in-people-form from my past.

i'm going to make you pay exactly by making you see what you lost.

and again it'd probably be a bit different if this were someone else we were talking about, but my crush, my bestest wisest prettiest kindest strongest amazingest (yeah hi we don't do grammar here) friend, when you fucking know, when i have said so many times in clear words that i can't imagine myself forgiving any damage done to my relationship with Her because everyone knows how important she is to me...!

right now i don't even want to forgive.
i know i should, because i was given another chance as well, but i don't even see any remorse from her. if she admitted her mistake, her wrong-doing, if she explained and said she was sorry, then i might melt and bend enough. i really might, quite probably i would.
but high-and-mighty, holier-than-thou shit isn't flying with me.

but i'm going to let things cool down now. see what She has to say when she has the time and energy to get back to me.

there's been a shitload of texts written since yesterday, oh boy. like, enough for two or three short stories, haha.

but yeah.

1. FUCK YOU to all the bad people. Karma will come get you so i'll just sit back and chill and not mind you. and i'm going to take a higher road and be cool and polite if we need to interact, but not too high a road so i can't feel a sense of retribution when Karma delivers its package to you.

2. i am very very grateful and blessed and so thankful and happy to have mature friends who are willing to forgive me and to give me a new chance. even at her angriest towards me my crush has always been on my side.
words can't express my gratitude and appreciation.
i love her very very much as a friend.

thank you, Universe, for her.
i accidentally poem. me teh wordsmith of teh millennium.

"the fact
that she doesn't react
doesn't mean
she hasn't seen."

(because time and again i freak out over not getting any kind of response and then it turns out she read, she saw, she saw every little thing i wrote and posted.) (and obviously she cares because she had a meltdown over me.)

we wrote good poetry yesterday at work, though. Ninja gave us a word for inspiration, like "green", and then we had a maximum of 160 characters to write a poem about it.
she really liked our results, said they're definitely going on the cards. we've been puzzling about the poetry to write on the cards for two weeks, Ninja even loaned out books of aphorisms from the library and nothing worked, and we got ten fantastic poems done yesterday by ourselves!
they really were good, even if i say so myself.

i like it when my writing evokes an "aww...!"
i do have a massive ego, it's just very selective about the appearances it makes.

and of course reading masses of Nabokov late at night beats it back down into the hole it crawled from. how can anyone write so perfectly? asdfghjklöä.

baby, even if i wanted to

never promise when happy.
never reply when angry.
never decide when sad.

when i was happy, around November and December and some days after that, i seriously contemplated forgiving the hell that some people embodied in my past.
i felt good, i felt ready to let go of the anger and resentment and bitterness and wishing they'd die a slow painful death knowing they deserve it. i was happy. i really was happy.

but these past few weeks have reminded me why that'd have been a horrible decision.


i won't forgive myself, either, at least not until i upright myself, but i will never ever ever forgive the people that made me so wounded, insecure, twisted and torn and distrusting that i damaged the relationship i cherish the most in my entire life when damaging it was the very thing i was so afraid of.

i broke it like a child.
now i will fix it like an adult.

thank God she's not given up on me entirely just yet. i can still fix this.

but i will never ever ever forgive the people that made me this scared and vulnerable and lonely.


those fucktards brought out a PERSONALITY DISORDER do you understand how serious and crappy that is?! what a sick, sad little mind one must have to be able to draw out something so nasty and leave me so scarred in the process.

and yes i am to blame as well. i let them do it. i let them do it because i believed i deserved it.

i didn't. i don't.

Neil Gaiman said that he believes Hell isn't a place you go to, it's something you carry with you.
those fuckers are my demons with their pitchforks and screwdrivers and thumb-screws.

i am going to peck them off one by one, one atom at a time if that's all i can, but i fucking will and i will never ever ever forgive anything to any of them because that'd be too much kindness.

Karma has everyone's address! sometimes it takes a detour and is delayed but oh trust me it will find everyone and give them their due.

i deserve my anguish for the pain, worry, anxiety, fear and resentment i've caused to my dear friend. i deserve her bitter words and anger. i've been out of order.
but i am going to swallow it back down, wipe off my tears and fucking fix it. i'm going to make her laugh and smile and remember why it is that she cares about me so much.
if i have to fake it 'til i make it, then i will. i don't fucking care, i just want us to be us again instead of this her and me with a wedge between.

she could have said she never wants to see me again. she was at the point where others before have left. and she fucking said she's not pointing out my mistakes to say she hates me, she's pointing them out to say please fix these so we can see each other more.
SHE GAVE ME A CHANCE TO DO THINGS RIGHT. even after all i've done, and i've done a lot. oh boy i've done a lot.
AND SHE HAS HER OWN ILLNESS TO MIND AS WELL, and i really pushed the wrong buttons hard this time, and STILL SHE GIVES ME A CHANCE TO FIX THIS. asdfghjklöä do you understand she's sick in the head too and volatile and temperamental as fuck and stressed out doubly that and so worried about me it's making her climb the walls and sleep for days, and she STILL GIVES ME A CHANCE.

the amount of times i've said "i done fucked up good" is ridiculous.

and even after all the angry words and cussing and metaphorical doorslamming she's there. the first person that had every reason to leave and chose to stay anyway. just like when she said she knew our day would be full of my moping and being clammed up and that she still wanted me there and asked me to come. because she wants to spend time with me.
she's not given up. i won't let her down this time, i promise.

she's doing things the way adults do. she's being mature. even with all the pissed-off language.

i'm going to fix this because there's not a chance in hell i'd let those fucktards from my past ruin my present and my future anymore. they've indirectly taken so much from me, but not this one - this one you can't have! i love her too much to let you ruin her.

i'm going to be an adult too and fix this. i've been doing that from the start of this incident. it took me ten minutes to start fixing things. because that's what you do when you fuck up - you fix it as soon as possible.
you fix it when you feel like giving up.
you fix it when you're being yelled at and not listened to.
you fix it when you're crying so hard you can't breathe.
you fix it when it demands you do things you don't feel ready to do.
you fix it when it requires you to swallow your pride and fears and admit you've behaved very badly.


because when you allow it to fester on its own it becomes like me. a lot harder to repair.

and i'm going to do that, too, just because i can. just because none of those idiots in my past deserves to win even on this point.

you won't take her away from me and you won't take me away from me.

go fuck yourselves with rusted forks.

i got me some much-needed sleepy time and tomorrow a new batch of balm and redoubled efforts to right things.

and no, i don't feel bad. only for all the negativity i've caused her. a little sorry for myself for having foreseen this but not being able to stop myself from self-sabotaging things once again. but none for those other fuckers, bye. even pity is above their level.

did i do something stupid
yeah, girl, if i blew it
just tell me what i did
let's talk through it

no one ever makes me feel like you do

this is climbing to wholly new heights of ridiculous: my clothes smell like her(s). it's as if i soak up every ounce and whiff i possibly can when we hug or hang around.
or then we have similar body odour.

i'm not complaining. she smells like warm, cozy happiness.

today we were hanging around - she was putting on make-up ("war paint", she declared) and i just wanted some company so i sat next to her, and Ninja was waiting for her to get ready so they could go take KELA down (we've nicknamed her virastoninja because she can tackle any and every complicated form, fucked-up social benefit plan and any other bureaucratic issue with a phone call, and she actually loves doing it).
there was a lull in their conversation so i piped up with a worry about tomorrow's clinic appointment; what if my nurse says no to my moving on with my BPD plans?
Ninja tried to tell me to just explain why i want things and to think them through as well, but She started questioning me about how much i've told my nurse. "tietääks se sun syömisestä?" nope. "tietääks se että sä et nuku?" "... joo ja ei." "eli ei."
she got kind of angry - not at me, but at my situation - and told me to tell my nurse tomorrow everything, why i'm scared of therapy (and here i locked up and i think she saw it because she nudged me softly with her foot) and how bad i actually feel, not the kind-patient syndrome 'i'm just fine!' ... "koska sun aallonpohjat on tosi pohjalla."
Ninja chirped in with how it's really important i get help because BPD has a really high suicide risk percentage, and She and i just sat there, quiet, because of the whole Christmas break business.
Ninja even said, when we were talking about how hard it is to open up about difficult things and She said i should tell my nurse the same things i tell her because my nurse has the resources for help She doesn't, that if it's hard to talk to the nurse, i should imagine Her there, that i'd be talking to her! i groaned and shook my head with my palm on my temple, but She was all aboard the plan, and they half-jokingly told me to paste little pictures of her on my glass lenses. (i spend 87% of my time awake thinking about her and us and everything semi-related to these topics and picturing her in my mind; i don't need any damn photos on my lenses, haha.)
then she told me to abandon my current task and go print out my tumblr writings so i can show my nurse what's really going on, she told me to go right now and print out a collection, and that if i start getting doubtful thoughts about this all i need to ignore them and just press on.
when she was in the loo, Ninja assured me i don't qualify for involuntary admittance.

i wanted to hug Her because we hadn't had a morning hug and she was leaving, presumably for the day, and when we hugged i got brave and cheerful enough to ask "millon mennään shoppailemaan?" and since she needed a 'me time' day today, "huomenna."
it makes me a little ashamed to say that after a morning of focused breathing, reasoning, writing into my BPD notebook, promising cuts if things don't improve in fifteen minutes... after all that, and the chat we'd just had, the promise of a nice day with her tomorrow was the thing that cheered me up. people commented on it later; how i seemed a lot lighter than in the morning. i smiled, .mä piristyin."

she came back just as i was leaving work, and we laughed about her boots, and i made for the door and she just came and hugged me. squee.
i'm never turning down hugs from her.
i shouted out a bye to everyone and waved, but my eyes were locked on her face, like hers was on mine.

things have been steadily improving. i feel almost good again. my uterus is doing acrobatics when i think of her and our "special moments".
and those include stupid things like her liking a random comment of mine on Facebook - it said " :D <3 ! ", haha.
it makes me happy, and it's nothing taken away from anyone else, so i don't see the point in not relishing it.
and it's been a fucking long time since she's last liked anything with a heart in it from me! ... no, wait, last week she did. haha, it's a long time!
(we just talked today with a friend that it hasn't even been two months since She and i started getting close. today was two months since i woke up with my infatuation fully in place. TWO FREAKING MONTHS. feels like two years. in a good way.)

and i wrote on tumblr a post that says, in its entirety: "i'm important."
she favourited it. (and posted more über-adorable selfies! ohh girl do you do this on purpose thank you and good night. seriously. i kept going back to look at the one where she smiles happily, and it made me smile widely too. and last night when i couldn't calm down i opened some of the previous selfies and just concentrated on them, the graceful cheekbone and the beautiful nose and the prettiest eyes i have ever seen. i told myself to memorise them by heart if it'd help with the anxiety. it didn't, really, and i didn't, but it made me feel a little better and i managed a few hours of sleep.
and it never hurts to bring a little more beauty into one's life. and the pyjama party photos actually made me laugh a little! you can SEE she's talking to Hely in a cooing voice in one of the photos, you can see the cooing and it's so adorable aaa. and the photos where Hely is sitting under the table looking pissed off and she's lying on the floor with a string toy and having the time of her life... how can you not feel a little happier looking at such?)

and it's okay we'll never be an item. she's too good for me. so pretty and wise and funny, aagh.
i'm happy and grateful to matter to her the way i do.

and i really need to fucking learn her silence does not change the fact that she reads and sees everything i post on Facebook and tumblr. and that a day or a few without anything special doesn,t change one whit of the fact that she loves me so much. i should compile an album of all the times i've been overwhelmed by the amount of her caring and love, because every time i feel bad my mind ignores all the previous times.
i spent an hour in the shower because i just stood there, thinking up all the past lovelies, and was so baffled by the sheer amount of them that i forgot where i was. but i also forgot my bad feeling.

... two months ago i woke up with a confusion, followed by a shrug. and it was one of the best things i ever did to myself.
celebration tomorrow, haha!

glitter all around.


haha i'll go dance a little now bye.

no one in the world could stop me from not moving on, baby, even if i wanted to
nobody compares to you

so tell me, girl

i got into my head last week to ask if there are photos from the workshop birthday party, and now that she's hooked me up on Nobody Compares, with its amazingly accurate chorus 'CAUSE NO ONE EVER LOOKED SO GOOD IN A DRESS AND IT HURTS 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU WON'T BE MINE TONIGHT NO ONE EVER MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YOU DO WHEN YOU SMILE, i really wanted to see if there are any because i neglected to take a photo of the lady in white that comes to mind every single time i hear that song. how she shimmied by the wall, singing and dancing to Time Warp quietly, and i looked at her and fell in really big like. and goddammit those legs.
i have a few photos of her singing in the choir, but the lighting is off and blaah. but there are photos from the party! taken with a real professional camera too. i just couldn't look at them today because the computer they were on, which is usually in a secluded corner in the back corridor, was in the middle of our dining hall for the afternoon disco. i'm sure it would have been fine to look at the photos in general, but i didn't want the inevitable audience it would have gathered round, and i know i won't be able to stop myself from lingering on the photos she's in. and that dress...! could i hide the sigh escaling my lips? i doubt it.
but there are photos! she has to be in one of them. i just want some photos of the girl that got me hooked lungs deep. it'd been a week since my realising i reallyreallyreally like her, i was all confused and basking in newfound sun and open to all influence. and somehow standing against the darkened sky of the window, dancing by herself in her lace dress and pink shoes and metallic shining green-and-yellow eye make-up, the way the light hit her... i'd have fallen even if i hadn't already been nursing a growing crush.

speaking of photos of her, a pal of mine i've been gushing my head off about her to said to me the other night that "se [crush's name] on muuten aika kuuma pakkaus, katoin sen kuvia :D ", and there was also praise for her sexy legs and magnificent nose.
i felt odd (and still do). do i agree with him? damn yes. do i want him saying those? nooot really. and i don't know if i feel i've violated her privacy somehow (but her photos are public and she's hardly the type to care, so...) or if this is just some really undercover way of being jealous of her... how dare someone other than i find her wonderful! yeah, i know, doesn't make any sense.
and i shouldn't let this bother me, because he lets me talk my head off about her every evening and my head would explode in squee if i didn't have any outlets for this crush - what a fitting word, it crushes me underneath it, flattens me entirely and makes me happy as ever.

i've been riding a wave of joyful gush since yesterday afternoon, so i sent her a message today, just saying thank you for the good mood - it's easy to ignore the bad thoughts when one feels good.
she sent me back "awwww" and a shiny heart emoji. and they make me feel even better!
all these little big things, they're accumulative.

i get now why she said infatuation is the best feeling in the world. it almost doesn't matter this won't go anywhere, because i feel so good just as we are. i love her and she loves me and it doesn't seem to matter that our loves are a little different.

she makes me happy.

and this must be the first entry ever where everything's cohesive and one part of text actually leads to the next.
(very text
much word

and i remember you laughing
so let's just laugh again

let the headlines wait

think of the little things. all the little things that brighten up the darkest moments.

how she made a happy little sound and face when i agreed to have toast for breakfast. and how she eagerly fixed me up a vitamin drink when i laughed i should have bought that orange juice after all.

how she checked Facebook before we went to sleep on Saturday and said, "aww sun päivitys...!"

how excited she was that i immediately fell in love with Community. how she squeed about it to her friend, "Noora tajus HETI! ihanaa et joku tajuu!"

how, when i said whenever i see Justin Bieber's face i want to punch somebody, she lit up excitedly and went, "niin just!"

how she bemoaned Grim Fandango's installation process not looking very good, and i piped up, "it's looking a bit... grim." and she laughed a little and then got the lame joke and turned to face me and pointed her index fingers at me like in a bad '70s musical movie, and made a sarcastically amused face with "ehehehehehheh!"

how she went past me to the kitchen to get something and carried on her conversation about money with her friend, and said "mut onneks on ihania ihmisiä jotka ostaa mulle ruokaa!" and scratched my head affectionately as she went.

how she worried i'll be disappointed about the trip plans. how her entire face fell and went ashen because she was upset about the trip and for me.

how she immediately said i can stay the night, when i was muttering aloud my misery at not having friends to have stay-overs with.

how i got there at a bit to twelve noon on Saturday (and how she sternly told me i should have just taken the earlier bus and called her, and i said i'll do that next time), and ended up taking the very last bus home on Sunday evening at minutes to eleven p.m. that's thirty-five fucking hours. and we didn't kill each other or fall out or anything. there were some misunderstandings and miscommunications but one of the things i love about her is how she straightens issues out as soon as she notices them.

how happy it made me to have her imply we'll spend lots of time together in the future, with all the games we want to play and the movies we want to watch. and happier still to say it to her and be understood. even with the crush factor involved.

how excited she got when i mentioned offhandedly how i'll soon have money to fix my eyes with laser surgery. she immediately Googled prices and squeed with me.

how she asked me if i'm changing buses at Kumpula, the way she said it like she was coercing me gently into doing that and not going to the railway station at all. because the last time i went there it almost ended up quite badly and i know she worries for me, she worries for me a lot.

how she could have, on January third when i had a meltdown and she came to take care of me in the toilet, said i'm doing the same thing once again, just like-- and she stopped there despite her growing frustration and just gave a me a Look, instead of continuing "just like when you thought I'd not be your friend because of your crush because someone else left you for that". how she read the situation and judged correctly that, given my crumbling self and the fact that our friend was in the other room and could hear us and she knew i'd hate that, it's better left unsaid and that it won't be ununderstood.

how she said time and again she'll say if something's wrong. maybe i'll one day actually remember that, too.

how she dragged my bad feeling out of me, asked me why she'd spend five minutes asking me to tell her what's wrong if she wouldn't want to talk about it. how i did feel better, ultimately, after talking with her. how it eased up inside to be able to say "i want to dive into you now, fully immerse myself right now" (not in those exact words, but pretty close and i think she got the point) and she just laughed softly, not in an unkind manner, and understood.

how she took webcam photos of us, "muistoksi".

how she spent ten minutes counseling me at the same time as washing dishes, making me say why cutting makes me such a bad person and then rebuffing all my points with glee. and how she knows the buttons to push! "pidätsä mua huonona ihmisenä ku mä oon viillelly? no ni!" and how i leaned against the wall behind her and she asked me to come stand next to her so she can see me, because she 'doesn't like it when she can't see me'.

how she offered, in a friendly manner, to come help me clean up again if i want to. (... DUH.)

how she offered me a t-shirt of hers for a pyjama top (noting if it fits me because i have bigger boobs), and i stared at it for a moment and then choked out how it's got short sleeves, amd how she said it's okay, she won't mind, she won't be looking at my cuts, but that she understands i don't feel comfortable with it.

how she just suddenly announced she's taking off her bra because she feels like her boobs are imprisoned, and did it right there, and i still look away bashfully every time this happens.

how she stood there, getting ready for bed, in panties and a sleeveless top and it was okay. and how it took her half an hour to get slacks on the following morning, and before that she just sat there fiddling with her legs, me blinking in a state of utter confusion and tiny happiness at her ease with me.

how completely at ease she is with me even though she and i are both aware of my major crush on her.

how she always gets back to me if i've started saying something and have been interrupted, or stopped myself.

how she said today that she feels awkward with audience when she's working (as i was sitting there hanging out while she was photoshopping our party flyer at work) - that she feels she can't focus. the way she said it...

how she picks up bits and pieces of my expressions and habits and uses them subconsciously. emulation has always been a big sign of hope for me. or if not hope, then at least affection and a kind of respect because her brain likes me enough to emulate me.

how she came to hug me this morning while i was wrapped up in a big heavy blanket on the sofa. "apua, mistä uskaltaa halata? hui!" (the last is for when i jumped up to hug her better.) but awws, the way she shuffled her feet to me, arms rising just a little bit, and i looked up expectantly... i'm so fucking obvious to everyone and i didn't care, i didn't even notice, there was only her and me in the room for me. if she doesn't mind then fuck the rest.

how amazing her book and film collection is! i kept making sharp inhales of excitement. (and she freaking had Frankenstein the play WITH JONNY LEE MILLER AS THE CREATURE aaaa.)
and how versatile and wonderful she is; i let out a joyous noise as i saw she had Jersey Shore marathons, and at the same time i more than know her to be absolutely capable and willing to have discussions about world economy, human rights, feminism, homo"phobia" (it's not a fear, you're just a narrow-minded jerk.), cute animals (oh God her cutesy voice, so soft and high) and nail polish. no matter how "dumb" or serious the topic is, she handles it.
... how many people do you know who are completely okay and nonchalant with talking about parasuicidal behaviour manifestations? i mean people who can jump from talking about making pasta to cutting without a flinch or change of tone. (and here i have an urge to go off on a tangent about her being so sweet and so okay with my crush, the late-night three-hour phone call and my sobbing while she listened quietly and tried to reassure me there's nothing wrong with an infatuation, nothing wrong with our friendship even though i feel the way i do... or about how she takes care of me in so many ways, from urging me to get help before the noose is tied to asking about my eating to telling me to sit down and relax, or about... but those are all things i've written about before, so...)

how i wrote a message to her when i got home in the wee hours of Monday, saying thank you for her wisdom and maturity in handling all of my messes, and how much i like spending time with her in the good and in the bad, i even referred to my crush vaguely by saying it's pretty obvious what i think of her, and a lot of babbling about my hopefully not having overstayed my welcome. i'd thought she'd gone to bed already but she responded quite quickly with "aww monta sanaa en jaksa vastaa kunnolla oot paras ja hyvä et sul on helppo olla mun seurassa" and "nyt petiin" and then hung around for several minutes, probably waiting for my response because i just sat there staring at the screen feeling fuzzy.

how she asked the end-of-the-day question today and it was "what's the last thing that made you laugh hard?". on my turn i smiled at her as i said i was shown autotuned news and other YouTube pearls last weekend and they just about killed me with laughter. on her turn, being the last as she was the one who asked, she said it's not that she laughed, but she really liked to see me laugh and have such a good time, that it made her feel really good. i interrupted her in the beginning, laughing about how i laughed at the videos and she laughed at me, and she said no, let me finish, don't diss yourself, and i said it was a joke, and she retorted my jokes are always the same, that i diss myself. and then she said the rest, and i beamed inside because she said a cute thing like that in public, and because i made her feel so good.
i jokingly asked later what this is about, her not saying the best laughter was derived from my Grim Fandango lame joke, and i added i should have done the *Horatio-Caine-with-sunglasses movement* with YEAAAHHH, and she mimicked me straight away excitedly.

and how she kept glancing at me as we were watching things on her bed. i was mostly attuned to the show on the screen but in my peripheral vision i saw her head turn towards me quite frequently.

... and many, many other things i can't think of right now but will probably come edit in later.

these are (some of) the reasons why i'm feeling good, floating just a tad above the ground, even though my thoughts are dragging me through mud and mire.

things are really well. she likes me a lot, obviously, even if the feelings are friendly more than my amorous kind, and she always lets me and even helps me say bad things aloud just to get them off my chest and my mind, and listens and responds kindly. she even lets me say i'm jealous and doesn't react negatively, even though she just told me last week she hates jealousy. she understands! it's not just that she tries, she actually understands! and she's been so kind and patient and caring towards me even through all the BPD shit... i just want to cry out of sheer enormous gratitude. she's the reason i'm trying to get to CBT even though i hate myself and get goosebumps at the very thought of all the work and energy it'll take (and i need to find a freaking therapist for myself argh). she's the reason i stay motivated enough.
she really fucking embodies Through the Dark's lyrics.
oh I will carry you over fire and water for your love
and I will hold you closer, hope your heart is strong enough
when the night is coming down on you
we will find a way through the dark

i do get really bitterly jealous and anxious at other people spending more time with her than i, but that's understandable, given that we've only been close for, like, two months now. and it's not like the "signs" are bad for the future, au contraire! - it's just that BPD wants everything right now, right fucking now.
and i still feel all floaty and happy-ish anyway because of reasons stated above and all the other gushings i've written here (and i actually have three fucking dates not written yet, too!), so ha.
maybe i'll learn to manage the negative feelings. i need to accept them and let them be and not act on them. or just talk with her for a while to soothe them.

but... what can i say? how can i express in words how much she means to me, how fucking absolutely amazing and wonderful and awesome and lovely she is, how lucky and blessed and happy and grateful i am to have her in my life, how utterly i cherish her even when she's pissed off at me and makes me feel like shit?
i can't. it's not possible. but i hope the Universe receives all my love and gratitude loud and clear!
jamming along to One Direction is a way to interpret it, though, meagerly.

'cause no one ever looked so good in a dress
and it hurts 'cause i know you won't be mine tonight
no one ever makes me feel like you do when you smile
baby, tell me how to make it right
now all of my friends say, it's not really worth it
but even if that's true
no one in the world could stop me from not moving on
baby, even if i wanted to
nobody compares to you

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